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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054080">Love Is A Polaroid</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine'>eternaleponine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(in that it takes a few chapters for Clexa to actually meet), Alternate Universe - Circus, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cirque du Soleil, Emotional Infidelity, F/F, Long-Distance Relationship, Phone Sex, Running away with the circus, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:28:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>50,272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054080</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What kid doesn't dream of running away with the circus?  But for Lexa, the dream never passed, and she has shaped her life around one day getting to achieve that dream.  When the opportunity unexpectedly presents itself to audition for Cirque du Soleil, she knows she can't pass it up... even if it means potentially years away from her long-time girlfriend, Costia.</p><p>They agree to try to keep things going long-distance, but it's harder than they expect, especially when Lexa meets a beautiful blue-eyed blonde that she can't get out of her head...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>316</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Clexaweek2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Check your email," Luna said before Lexa even said hello.  Or, more likely, "What's wrong?" because Luna almost never called her.  They were best friends – or at least Lexa considered Luna one of her best friends – but they only saw each other during the summer.  The rest of the year they limited themselves to occasional text messages.  Lexa wasn't sure <i>why</i> it was like that; it just was, and it always had been.  </p><p>"I can't right now," Lexa said.  "I'm on my way to—"</p><p>"I don't care," Luna said.  "This is more important.  I swear, whatever you're doing, this is more important."</p><p>Lexa frowned.  What could possibly be so important that Luna would be adamant that she drop everything to read an email?  "Luna, seriously, I—"</p><p>"Lexa, <i>please</i>," Luna said.  "Please.  It will only take a minute.  You just... before you do anything else, you <i>need</i> to read your email."</p><p>"I—" Lexa sighed, gave up.  "Fine.  Just give me a second."</p><p>"Put me on speaker."  </p><p>"I'm in public," Lexa said.  "That's rude."</p><p>"I don't care," Luna said.  "I'll be quiet."</p><p>"No," Lexa said.  "Just hold on, will you?"  </p><p>Luna heaved a sigh that Lexa took to be acquiescence, and she tapped out of the phone screen to access her email.  She forced herself to relax her jaw as the messages loaded, scanning the subject lines as they popped up.  It was all junk – advertisements, promotions, coupons... the usual crap.  She started to put the phone back to her ear when her eyes snagged on one of the messages.  When she'd seen Cirque du Soleil in the list of senders, she'd assumed it was from their mailing list.  Then she read the subject line: <b>Audition Dates – Please Respond ASAP</b></p><p>Her stomach lurched, a ball of ice forming just below her breastbone.  "What did you do?" she whispered.  It took three tries to get the right message open; her hands were shaking that badly.  She read it once, then a second time, then a third, and still she couldn't make it make sense.  She understood all of the words, but she didn't see why <i>she</i> would be getting a message about scheduling an audition for her dream job.  </p><p>"—exa? –ou there?"</p><p>Lexa lifted the phone to her ear.  "What did you do?" she asked. </p><p>"I sent them a video," Luna said.  "From last summer.  I didn't—I sent it for me.  I didn't know if anything would come of it, but I thought it was worth a shot.  Months later, they sent me a message saying that they'd watched the tape and they were interested in seeing more, so I went—"</p><p>"What does that have to do with <i>me</i>?" Lexa asked.  </p><p>"I'm getting there," Luna said, and Lexa could hear the amusement in her voice.  She thought this was funny?  None of this was funny.  It felt like some kind of cruel joke.  "Patience is a—"</p><p>"Patience my ass," Lexa growled, and Luna laughed.</p><p>"I went for an in-person audition, still not really thinking it would lead to anything, or maybe just not letting myself hope.  When I was there, they said that they'd watched the tape again, and while they liked my solo work, they were most impressed by our duet.  They asked for your name and contact information, and—"</p><p>"You gave it to them?!"  Lexa shook her head, hard.  "You didn't even ask me!  You can't just—"</p><p>"Lexa, this is what we've talked about our entire lives!" Luna said.  "This is the dream!  I wasn't going to tell them no!"</p><p>Lexa licked her lips, swallowed, trying in vain to bring moisture back to her mouth.  She stumbled over to a bench and sat down heavily, the phone still pressed hard against the side of her head as she hunched over, burying her face in her other hand.  "I can't believe..." she whispered.  "I can't..."</p><p>"I know," Luna said, her voice soft now, gentle.  She got it.  Of course she did.  Sometimes Lexa thought Luna might be the only person in her life who really <i>did</i> get it, get <i>her</i>, and not just because they'd known each other for basically the entirety of their remembered lives.  They'd dreamed the same dream in tandem since they were tiny little girls goofing around with juggling scarves and stilts one rainy day at camp.  </p><p>They dreamed of one day running away with the circus.  </p><p>Now there was a chance it might actually happen.</p>
<hr/><p>Lexa barely managed not to drop the knife she was holding when a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and a set of lips brushed against her neck.  She hadn't even heard the door open, hadn't heard footsteps... for all she knew, she'd missed Costia calling out a greeting to her.  She set the knife down carefully next to the pile of chopped veggies and turned, accepting the kiss that was offered.  </p><p>"How was the interview?" Costia asked.  </p><p>"The—"  <i>Shit.</i>  Shit shit shit shit shit shit <i>shit</i>.  "I, uh..."  </p><p>Costia frowned.  "It didn't go badly, did it?"  Her hands slid down the back of Lexa's arms to grip her elbows, squeezing maybe harder than she realized.  "What happened?"</p><p>"I didn't go," Lexa said.  It wasn't a lie.  She'd planned on going.  She'd been on her way there, even, but then Luna had called and she'd gotten the email and by the time she'd actually gotten on the train she was running late, and then she was so lost in her own world that she'd missed her stop.  She'd managed to make it back to the building a few minutes before the interview was scheduled to start, but she couldn't make herself walk through the door. </p><p>Costia's eyes were so wide Lexa could almost see white all the way around.  "What do you mean, you didn't go?"</p><p>"I didn't go," Lexa repeated.  "I called."  <i>From the park across the street, ten minutes after I was supposed to be there...</i>  "I told them something else came up, that I..."  </p><p>"That you <i>what</i>?" Costia demanded.  "Lexa, I called in a favor to—"</p><p>"I never asked you to," Lexa said.  "I never asked you to call in any favors, pull any strings.  I never asked you to, so you don't get to be mad if—"</p><p>"I'm not mad," Costia said.  "I'm—"  She shook her head, maybe realizing how much like a parent she sounded, or maybe words really did fail her.  Maybe she didn't know what she was.  </p><p>That made two of them.  Lexa knew she should leave it alone, let it go, but she couldn't.  "Disappointed?" she asked.  "You're not mad, you're just disappointed?"</p><p>"I just don't understand why you wouldn't go," Costia said.  "This is an amazing opportunity for you.  Graduation is coming up fast, and you need to have something lined up.  You need to get ahead of the curve.  If you don't, you could find yourself unemployed for—"</p><p>"I already <i>have</i> something lined up," Lexa said.  "At least for the summer."</p><p>Costia actually rolled her eyes.  "Lexa," she said.  "That was fine while you were still in college, but—"</p><p>"It's a job," Lexa said.  "It's a job I've been doing for years.  A job I'm good at.  A job I <i>love</i>.  I've already made a commitment to them.  I'm not going to break that without good reason."</p><p>Costia sighed, shook her head.  "I know that you love it," she said.  <i>'Even though I don't understand or approve,'</i> went unspoken, but Lexa knew she was thinking it.  It was the one area of their relationship where they'd never managed to see eye-to-eye.  Lexa's love of circus arts, and the camp that she'd attended as a kid, going through their counselor-in-training program as a teen and becoming a full-time counselor as soon as she turned eighteen, was silly, frivolous, a childish plaything that Lexa ought to have outgrown years ago.  </p><p>"But?" Lexa prompted.  Because there would be a 'but'.  </p><p>"You need to think about the future," Costia said.  "You need to think long-term.  You need to be practical."  </p><p>"No," Lexa said.  "You need me to be practical.  There's a difference."</p>
<hr/><p>Lexa didn't tell Costia when she went to her audition.  She just told her she was going away for a few days to see a friend, and since it didn't conflict with school or any other obligations, Costia didn't ask questions.  She didn't even ask which friend; their friend groups weren't completely entangled, and they'd never tried to know every aspect of each other's lives.  Maybe that was strange... Lexa didn't know.  Costia was her first serious relationship, so other than what she saw on TV and among their friends, she didn't actually know how a quote-unquote normal relationship worked.  What they had, what they did, worked for them, and that was all that mattered.  </p><p>But was it really working, she wondered, if they – or at least she – was keeping secrets?  A lie by omission was still a lie, wasn't it?  </p><p>Luna was waiting for her when she arrived in Montreal, hugging her so tight that for a few seconds there wasn't room for a breath between them.  </p><p>"I can't believe this is happening," Luna said, her dark eyes lighting up, her curls a wild frizz around her face.  She would tame them back when they performed, but for now, they were allowed to fly free.   </p><p>Lexa reached up and twined one around her finger, tugging the corkscrew gently and watching it bounce back into place.  It was something only she was allowed to do, had been doing since she was a child, and there was a strange sort of comfort in it.  "Yes you can," she said.  "You made it happen."</p><p>"I set it into motion," Luna said.  "I didn't know for sure anything would come of it."  </p><p>"But you hoped," Lexa said.  "You put that out into the universe, and the universe answered."  </p><p>Luna waved her hands dismissively, but she was still grinning.  "Come on.  We can stop at the hotel to drop off your things and then head over."  </p><p>Lexa's blood ran to ice.  Had she gotten the day wrong?  Had something changed.  "I thought—"</p><p>Luna looked at her and pressed her lips together.  Lexa suspected she was trying not to laugh.  "Your face," she said.  "You look like you've seen a ghost."  She reached up and traced her thumb along Lexa's jaw.  "Don't worry.  The audition isn't until tomorrow.  But they've given us, and everyone else, space to practice today.  Work out the kinks."  </p><p>"Oh."  The adrenaline that had flooded her ebbed slightly, but Lexa could still feel her heart knocking against her ribcage.  "Right."</p><p>"And we haven't practiced together in a while, so..."</p><p>Lexa nodded.  "Right," she said again.  "Let's go."</p>
<hr/><p>Falling into rhythm with Luna felt like coming home.  In a way, it was.  It was what she looked forward to all year long, and it was easy as breathing.  They were different people, with different approaches to the work, but they were in many ways the same, and they complemented each other, one's strengths feeding the other.  </p><p>It felt good to push herself, hard but not too hard, holding back just a little so she wasn't too tired or too sore for the audition tomorrow.  Every time she caught Luna's eye, her smile got a little brighter, and by the time they left the gym, her cheeks were aching.  They went back to the hotel to shower and change, then out to dinner.  </p><p>"This is really happening," Lexa said.  </p><p>"It really is," Luna agreed.  </p><p>Lexa looked down, poking at her salad.  "Does Derrick know?"</p><p>Derrick was Luna's boyfriend; they'd been together for as long as Lexa had been with Costia.  Sometimes Luna talked vaguely, in future terms, about marrying him.  Not settling down, though.  That wasn't something that Luna was likely to do any time soon.  Not until settling down didn't feel like settling, period, and maybe that would never happen, and maybe Derrick would be okay with that.  </p><p>"Of course," Luna said.  She set down her fork, leaning in.  "Costia doesn't?"</p><p>Lexa shook her head.  "She..."  Her shoulders slumped.  "I didn't see the point in telling her.  It's just an audition."  </p><p>Luna's eyebrows went up.  "<i>Just</i>" an audition?" she asked.  "This is your <i>dream</i>, Lexa."  Her forehead furrowed and her lips tipped down.  "Isn't it?"  </p><p>She was actually asking, like she didn't know the answer anymore, and Lexa felt her eyes sting as tears welled up.  She quickly dabbed her lower lids with the corner of her napkin, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat and drawing in a slow breath through her nose.  "Yes," she said, her voice a little ragged.  "Yes, this is my dream."</p><p>Barnum &amp; Bailey's claimed to be the greatest show on earth, but it had nothing, as far as Lexa was concerned, on Cirque du Soleil.  She'd seen her first Cirque show the summer she'd turned nine, a matinee performance on a field trip from camp, where they'd been playing around with different circus apparatus for the past week.  She'd watched wide-eyed and gape-mouthed, clutching Luna's hand the entire time (except when she had to let go to applaud).  When it was over, they'd looked at each other and said, "I want to do that."  And they'd thrown themselves into it, working every summer on circus arts specifically, and on dance and gymnastics and whatever else would help them get to their goal during the rest of the year when they didn't have access to silks and straps and trapeze and everything else.  </p><p>Hell, when she'd reached middle school and was allowed to pick a second language to take, she'd chosen French, because it would be the most useful to her if she eventually ended up moving to Montreal.  Luna had done the same, and Lexa still had some of the postcards and letters they'd written in stumbling, elementary French to each other as practice.  </p><p>Luna reached across the table, laying her hand over Lexa's.  "What's wrong?"</p><p>Lexa shook her head, swallowing again.  "Not here," she said.  "Not now."  </p><p>Luna nodded, squeezing her hand before letting go, and the meal was mostly quiet because there wasn't anything either of them could think of to say that wouldn't lead back to the topic that Lexa had asked to avoid, at least while they were in public.  </p><p>She suspected the silence wouldn't last once they were back at the hotel.  She didn't really want it to... did she?  As painful as talking about it would be, it was better than keeping it bottled up... right?  But was letting herself fall apart the night before what might be the first day of the rest of her life really the best idea?</p><p>Luna didn't push.  She didn't ask questions, demand answers.  She was just there, a quiet presence in the room with Lexa, giving her space to breathe, and think, and speak in her own time... which didn't come until the lights were out, hours before she would normally have turned in, but they needed their rest.  </p><p>"She doesn't understand," Lexa said into the darkness.  "She thinks I need to be 'practical'."  </p><p>A moment of silence, and Lexa wondered if somehow Luna had actually managed to fall asleep that quickly, but then she heard the sheets rustling as Luna got up, and then her own bed shifted with Luna's weight.  Lexa lifted the covers to let her crawl under, and their hands found each other between their bodies, their fingers lacing together so tightly it ached.  </p><p>"She doesn't understand," Lexa repeated, "that for me, this <i>could</i> be practical.  This could be a job, a career.  Maybe not something I'll be able to do until I'm old and gray, but... we need to live while we're young.  There's plenty of time for office jobs later."  </p><p>Luna laughed softly.  "Some of the coaches at camp are pretty gray," she pointed out.  "You might not need an office job even then."</p><p>Lexa smiled.  "Exactly."  She sighed.  "She means well," she said.  "I know she does.  She thinks she's looking out for my best interests.  I understand that, and I appreciate it."</p><p>"But," Luna said.  Not a question.  </p><p>"But," Lexa agreed.  "But it's hard to not be able to talk about something that means so much to me with her.  To know that if I do, she will roll her eyes, dismiss it as childish, try to talk me out of it, to tell me why it will never work.  Even if she didn't... I would know it's what she wanted to do.  This is happening, and she doesn't know, because I would want her to be happy for me, to be excited for me... and she wouldn't be."</p><p>"You know that for sure?" Luna asked.  </p><p>Lexa lifted a shoulder, let it fall.  "I know what she's said about my job at camp," she said.  "I don't have any reason to believe that this would be any different, only... more so.  Even if she <i>was</i> happy for me, even if she did share my enthusiasm... I don't know I could trust it.  That I would believe it was genuine.  Maybe that would be on me, not on her, but it wouldn't change how I felt.  How I feel."  </p><p>"What happens if this does become something?" Luna asked.  </p><p>"I'll tell her," Lexa said.  "I'll have to."  </p><p>"And then?"  </p><p>"I don't know," Lexa admitted.  "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it."</p>
<hr/><p>Lexa looked down at the phone she still held, unable to unclench her white-knuckled fingers.  The call had ended, but the words still rang in her head:  <i>We'd like to offer you a contract for our new production.</i></p><p>She'd done it.  </p><p>She'd actually done it.  </p><p>The papers weren't signed, and even once they were, there were no guarantees.  They could decide that she wasn't a good fit after all, that they had no place for her, and let her go.  But it was a chance, a glimmer – more than a glimmer – of hope that years and years of work, of unrelenting focus on a single goal, had finally paid off.</p><p>Her phone started buzzing in her hand – Luna – but before she could answer it the door crashed open and Costia came rushing in.  "Come on!" she said.  "We're going to celebrate!"</p><p>For a single second Lexa's mind was alight, thinking that somehow Costia had already heard her good news (from Luna? but Luna didn't have Costia's number...) and she was proving all of the times Lexa had doubted her girlfriend would support her in dreaming the impossible dream wrong.  </p><p>Then reality came crashing in and she forced a smile as she declined Luna's call.  She shoved her phone into her pocket and stood up.  "What are we celebrating?" she asked.</p><p>"I got it!" Costia said, darting into the apartment to grab her and drag her into a kiss.  "I got the job!  The internship, I should say, but it will turn into a job after the summer.  I'm sure of it."  </p><p>"Congratulations!" Lexa said, and hoped her enthusiasm didn't sound as fake to Costia as it did to her.  It wasn't that she wasn't happy for her girlfriend; she was.  Of course she was.  Even though Costia had (responsibly) applied for several positions, Lexa knew which one she'd wanted most, and which one she would be this excited about.  "I'm so proud of you."  </p><p>Costia beamed at her and kissed her again.  "Thank you," she said.  "I really didn't know if I was going to get it, and I would have been okay with some of the other jobs, but—"</p><p>"I know," Lexa said.  "This was the one that you really wanted.  This is your dream job."</p><p>"I don't know if I would go <i>that</i> far," Costia said.  "But it's my dream starting point."  </p><p>"Fair enough," Lexa said.  "Are we going out, or...?"</p><p>"Of course we're going out!" Costia said.  "This is my <i>dream job</i>.  There is no way we're celebrating with pizza and Netflix."  She winked, and Lexa couldn't help laughing.  </p><p>"Do I need to change?" Lexa asked.  She wasn't in workout gear or sweats, but she wasn't exactly dressed up, either.  Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun and she wasn't wearing any makeup.  </p><p>Costia looked her up and down, quickly and then more slowly, her lips quirking.  "You know what?" she said.  "Yes.  I'm going to see if I can get a reservation at that place we keep saying we're going to go someday, and then never do because we just can't justify the cost.  We deserve nice things.  We've earned them."  </p><p>Lexa felt a crack start at the edges of her happy façade and she quickly looked away.  "I'll go put on something nicer," she said.  </p><p><i>We</i>, Costia had said.  <i>We</i> deserve nice things.  <i>We've</i> earned it.  But she wasn't actually talking about both of them... or she didn't know she was.  She meant that <i>she</i> had earned the right to splash out a little, to indulge in something her carefully calculated budget didn't usually allow.  </p><p>Costia wasn't the impetuous type.  She liked order, and plans, and rules.  Each decision was carefully considered, the pros and cons weighed until she arrived at the best possible solution.  Sometimes it drove Lexa crazy.  They never went anywhere without a plan, an itinerary, a schedule, or at least it felt that way.  Not that Lexa didn't consider things, too, trying to think through the possible consequences to whatever action she wanted to take, but Costia took it to an extreme that felt, at times, suffocating.  </p><p>So this spur-of-the-moment decision probably wasn't as spontaneous as it seemed.  Lexa suspected that she'd decided somewhere along the line, maybe not fully consciously, but decided all the same that if she got the job, they would go out somewhere nice, somewhere they didn't usually go.  </p><p>Lexa slipped into the dress she knew was Costia's favorite, the blue lace sheath that hugged her figure in all the right places.  She had to dig in the back of the closet to find a pair of heels (she owned several and hated them all), but didn't put them on until she'd taken a few minutes to smooth her hair into something resembling order and put on some lip gloss and mascara.  She finally buckled on the heels and strode out, and was rewarded by Costia's jaw dropping.  </p><p>"God you're beautiful," Costia said.  </p><p>"So are you," Lexa told her, and she was.  Especially now, with her cheeks flushed and her eyes bright with excitement.  "Did they have anything?"</p><p>"Yes," Costia said, "but we need to hurry.  It was either right now, or not until late, and I know you get hangry."  </p><p>Lexa laughed and rolled her eyes, but she knew her girlfriend wasn't wrong.  "Let's go," she said.  She grabbed a light jacket and pulled it on, slipping her wallet into the little purse she rarely used.  It wasn't until they were already out of the apartment and downstairs that she realized she'd left her phone in her pants pocket.  She turned to ask Costia if she could run back and get it, but Costia was already halfway down the block, her purposeful stride eating up distance so that Lexa had to jog a few steps to catch up.  She slipped her hand into Costia's and decided it was for the best anyway.  It would only be a distraction.  </p><p>At the restaurant, Costia insisted it would be her treat, even when Lexa protested that she should be the one paying since they were celebrating Costia's triumph in the world of adulting.  (And art preservation and restoration, of course.)  "It was my idea," Costia said.  "I should pay."  </p><p>Lexa knew there was no point in arguing.  Once Costia had made up her mind, it was difficult – if not impossible – to change it.  Lexa could be equally stubborn, so it was a good thing they were usually on the same side of any given issue.  When they did find themselves on opposite sides, the arguments were epic.  Once they hadn't spoken for a day and a half.  Another time, Costia had actually gone to stay with a friend and hadn't come home for so long that Lexa had started to wonder if she ever would.  </p><p>They'd worked things out, though.  They always did.  </p><p> Always.</p>
<hr/><p>Dinner had included not just a glass but a shared bottle of wine, and when they got home they toppled into bed, pawing at each other's clothing until they managed to remove it.  Costia shoved Lexa's discarded clothing from earlier off the bed, and Lexa heard her phone hit the floor with a thunk.  She glanced down and saw the screen light up, her notifications all text messages from Luna.  She didn't have to read them to know that they were almost certainly all variations of 'CALL ME'.  </p><p>Her chest tightened and her face went stiff, and Costia pulled away slightly to look at her.  "What's wrong?" she asked.  </p><p>"Nothing," Lexa said quickly.  "I just need to get out of these damn heels."  </p><p>"I can help you with that," Costia said.  She worked her way down Lexa's legs and managed to unfasten the buckles without too much fumbling.  The shoes hit the floor (reminding Lexa again of her phone and the messages she hadn't read and the conversation she hadn't had) and when Costia tried to press her down into the sheets, she rolled to put herself on top, the maneuver quick and deft enough that Costia actually gasped, then grinned.  "I see how it is," she said.  </p><p>"You wouldn't let me pay for dinner," Lexa teased.  "I have to repay you <i>somehow</i>..."  </p><p>Costia pulled her down into a kiss, and once Lexa started, she didn't stop.  She kissed her all over, touching her in all the ways and places Lexa knew she liked best, not too fast and not too slow, listening as her gasps turned to moans, and then pushing her to the point where she didn't always want to go, the point where restraint was abandoned, discretion be damned, and who cared if the neighbors hated them in the morning?  </p><p>Lexa gathered her into her arms, hands still because she knew that any kind of touch right now would be too much.  She could see Costia's pulse beneath her skin, feel the rise and fall of her chest as she tried to bring her breathing back under control.  She tried to stay focused on her, on being in the moment, but she couldn't keep her thoughts from wandering to the fact that they could be celebrating two dreams coming true right now, but they weren't.  </p><p>They weren't now, and they wouldn't later, either.  </p><p>When Costia touched her, she tried to find pleasure in it, and when she couldn't, she tried to blame the alcohol for dulling her responses, for making her numb, but she knew she was lying to herself, because she'd had amazing orgasms while drunker than this.  So she faked what she couldn't feel and pulled Costia back against her after so that her head was on Lexa's shoulder and she couldn't see Lexa's face.  </p><p>Quiet descended, the only sounds their breathing and the faint sounds of traffic outside, which sometimes when she couldn't sleep Lexa tried to imagine was ocean waves but it wasn't regular enough.  After a few minutes of stillness, she thought maybe Costia had fallen asleep, but as soon as Lexa shifted, hoping maybe she could finally reach her phone, Costia lifted her head and smiled at her, sweet and sleepy, and Lexa settled back again.  </p><p>"Now we just need to find you a job," Costia said.  "Then everything will be—"</p><p>Lexa didn't wait to hear what Costia thought everything would be, because she suspected she was going to say "perfect" and things were anything but.  "I have a job," she said. </p><p>She couldn't see Costia's face, but she imagined that she rolled her eyes.  "Not just for the summer," Costia said.  "Something for after the summer."</p><p>"I have a job," Lexa repeated.  "I got it today."</p><p>Costia pushed herself up so that she could look Lexa in the face.  "What?"  She shook her head.  "Why didn't you tell me?"  Her face lit up.  "Lexa, this is amazing!  Which one did you get?"  </p><p>Because after the missed interview, Costia had found a few more possibilities for her, and she'd gone like the dutiful girlfriend she was, because it made sense to hedge her bets, to not get her hopes up too high and leave herself with all of her bridges burned, just in case.  </p><p>Some people could throw caution to the wind, put all of their eggs in one basket, and leave it all up to fate.  Luna could (and thank any and all higher powers for that), but Lexa had been taught to be more careful.  </p><p>"None of them," Lexa said.  "I got offered a place a Cirque du Soleil.  For their next production."</p><p>Costia just stared at her, searching her face like she wasn't sure whether to believe her, like she thought maybe this was some kind of joke, a prank Lexa was trying to pull and then laugh at her when she fell for it.  "What?"</p><p>"I start in August."</p><p>Costia sat up fully, pulling up the blankets to cover herself.  "Cirque du Soleil?"</p><p>"Yes," Lexa said.  "They—"</p><p>"I know who – what – Cirque du Soleil is, Lexa," Costia snapped.  "I'm not—"  She stopped, sucking in her cheeks and probably biting the insides, an old bad habit she had mostly shaken, but that came back when she was stressed.  Lexa started to reach out to touch her, to make her stop, but she let her hand fall, and then turned away completely, giving Costia a minute to compose herself as she leaned over and retrieved the t-shirt she'd been wearing earlier from the floor and tugged it on.  </p><p>"Doing what?" Costia asked.  </p><p>"Performing," Lexa said.  </p><p>Costia's eyes narrowed.  "But... don't you have to audition for things like that?  They wouldn't just..."  She trailed off, waiting for Lexa to fill in the blanks, now that she knew that there were blanks – big ones – that needed to be filled.  </p><p>"You do," Lexa said.  "I did."  She took breath, released it slowly.  "When I told you I went to visit a friend for the weekend, I went up to Montreal to audition."  </p><p>"You lied to me?" Costia asked.  </p><p>Lexa winced.  A lie of omission was still a lie.  "Not entirely," she said.  "Luna was there.  She was the one who sent in a tape originally, who got us the audition in the first place.  She was only trying for herself at first, but one of the things on the tape was of the two of us, and that's what caught their interest."  She shrugged.  </p><p>Costia was still staring at her.  Staring like she didn't know who Lexa was... or maybe staring like she was finally seeing her for the first time.  Lexa didn't know which was better... or worse.  "Why didn't you tell me?"</p><p>"I wanted – needed – to go in with as much confidence as I could.  I needed to go in feeling positive about it.  It's my dream – it's been my dream since I was a kid.  I couldn't—" Lexa pressed her lips together, damming the words behind them before she could make a bad situation worse.</p><p>But it was too late.  The floodgates had been opened.  This was happening whether either of them wanted it to or not.  </p><p>"Couldn't what, Lexa?" Costia ground out.  </p><p>"I couldn't go into it carrying your doubt," Lexa said softly, "Or worse, your derision."  </p><p>"I wouldn't have—" But she would have, and Lexa was grateful that Costia was at least aware enough to realize it before she lied, too.  It didn't mean she wasn't upset, though, and Lexa wasn't sure whether she had the right to be or not.  "Were you planning to tell me?" Costia finally asked.  "Or was I just going to wake up one morning to a note saying you <i>literally</i> ran away to join the circus?"</p><p>"Of course I was going to tell you," Lexa said.  "Do you really think so little of me?"</p><p>"When?" Costia demanded.  "When were you going to tell me?"</p><p>"I was going to tell you today, but then you came home with your own good news and I didn't want to rain on your parade."</p><p>Costia frowned.  "Rain on my parade?"</p><p>"Steal your thunder.  I don't know.  I didn't want you to think that I was trying to one-up you, or—"</p><p>"Why do you think I would think that?  We could have celebrated together!" Costia said.  </p><p>Lexa raised an eyebrow.  "Like we're celebrating now?"</p><p>Costia didn't say anything, just stared at her for a long time, and then shook her head.  Lexa watched as she uncurled her fingers from the fists they'd clenched into, and she had the impulse to reach out to flatten them further, to press them between her own, to try to make this better, make it right.  Costia didn't mean to hurt her, after all, probably didn't even know that she <i>did</i> hurt her by constantly dismissing the thing she was most passionate about as frivolous and not worthy of Lexa's time.  </p><p>But why should she have to be the one who shifted?  Why did she have to be the one to reach across the divide, to extend an olive branch, to placate and soothe?  </p><p>She untangled her legs from the sheets and stood, yanking open one of the drawers of their shared dresser.  It had seemed romantic at the time but now it just irritated her as she pawed through the stack of pajama bottoms until she found a pair that she knew was hers, had been hers since before she'd even met Costia, and would be hers even after...</p><p>The thought hit her so hard that she actually staggered slightly: <i>Even after they went their separate ways.</i></p><p>Lexa managed to get one foot into each of the leg holes and pulled them up, then grabbed her pillow, clutching it to her chest as she made for the door.  She hesitated for just a second with her hand on the knob, waiting for Costia to say something, to tell her not to go, to beg her to stay.  </p><p>She did neither, and Lexa knew that it was the beginning of the end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay so I know I'm posting this for Clexa Week and I know there's no actual Clexa content in this chapter but I promise it gets there soon!  I just ran out of time and I already had this (and several more chapters) written so... yeah.  I hope by now you all know I'm good for it.  lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Warning:</b> This chapter contains explicit sex between Lexa and Costia.  If you can't handle it, don't read it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You can't be serious," Costia said.  "You're <i>going</i> to graduation."</p>
<p>"I'm not," Lexa said.  "I'm not paying money for a stupid polyester cap and gown and sitting in the hot sun for hours, watching people march across stage to receive an empty folder that will eventually hold their diploma, just to say that I did it.  Maybe it means something to you, but it doesn't mean anything to me except wasted time that could be better spent on other things."</p>
<p>"One," Costia said, the index finger of her right hand bending back that of her left as she prepared to tick off a list of all the reasons that Lexa was wrong.  Lexa clenched her jaw and dug her nails so hard into her palms she wondered if the moisture she felt might be blood rather than sweat, but she didn't try to stop her.  "You can borrow a cap and gown if you need to.  You don't have to buy it."  </p>
<p><i>But they will make sure that you feel like a complete loser for doing it,</i> Lexa thought, and although she didn't much care what the average man about town thought of her, she still had her pride, and lack of funds was a convenient excuse to get out of doing what she didn't want to do in the first place.  </p>
<p>"Two," Costia continued, moving on to her middle finger, "the ceremony is early enough that the sun won't be that high.  It should be fine."  </p>
<p>
  <i>Should be.</i>
</p>
<p>"Three," ring finger now, which bore no ring, although there had been a few times when Lexa had – perhaps naively – considered putting one there.  Now she was grateful that she hadn't, that for all the plans they'd made, they'd never actually made any promises.  "Who cares if the diploma is in the folder or not?  That's not the point!"</p>
<p>"Then what is the point?" Lexa said.  "If I'd said that a diploma was just a piece of paper and didn't actually mean anything, you would have told me that it was a symbol of your accomplishment.  So what?  It's just a symbol.  The diploma itself means nothing.  It's not as if you're going to walk into a job interview and they're going to ask to see your diploma.  But I didn't say that, so now you're arguing that the diploma doesn't matter.  So tell me, Costia, what <i>is</i> the point?"</p>
<p>"The point is the <i>experience</i>," Costia said.  "The point is the ceremony, the symbolism, all of it.  You've worked hard for the last four years, and this is your moment to say to the world, 'Look.  Look at me.  I did it.'"</p>
<p>"That day is coming for me," Lexa said, "but not yet.  There's still a lot of hard work between me and that moment."</p>
<p>Costia growled in frustration.  "You're impossible," she said.  "I don't even remember what number I was on."  </p>
<p>"Four," Lexa supplied for her.  "You were on four.  Unless that was an unintentional number four, in which case you're on five."</p>
<p>"What do you have to do that's so important?" Costia asked, apparently giving up on counting, her rhythm broken.  "What do you have to do that can't wait?"</p>
<p>"You really need to ask that?" Lexa asked.  "Look around you."  She held out her hands, gesturing to the apartment where they had lived together for the past two years, since they'd been freed from the on-campus housing requirement for freshman and sophomores.  </p>
<p>"What about it?" Costia asked.  </p>
<p>"I need to <i>pack</i>," Lexa said.  "In a few weeks I'll be gone, and I'm not coming back."</p>
<p>They both froze.  It was the first time either of them had actually said it.  It was the elephant in the room they'd been pretending wasn't there since the morning after their argument when Costia had climbed onto the couch, wiggled herself between Lexa and the back and wrapped her arms around her before whispering, "Congratulations."  </p>
<p>They'd pretended that she meant it.  They'd acted as if nothing had changed.  They'd smiled and laughed and made dinner and made love and maybe even convinced themselves, for a few minutes, maybe even a few hours at a time, that things were going to be fine.  That they would be okay.  </p>
<p>They weren't fine.  They weren't okay.  </p>
<p>Costia sat down heavily on the couch, and after a second Lexa followed her, sitting at the other end with a cushion between them that might as well have been the Grand Canyon for all that they were able to bridge the gap.  "You're really leaving," Costia said.  Not a question, except maybe it was, just a little.  </p>
<p>"Yes," Lexa said.  "Camp, and then... Cirque."  She felt a smile forming as her lips shaped the word that had been a mantra or a prayer for so long, but she forced it back.  </p>
<p>"For how long?"</p>
<p>"As long as I can," Lexa said.  "As long as they'll have me.  Contracts are three years."  She shrugged.  </p>
<p>"Three years in Montreal?" Costia asked.</p>
<p>Lexa shook her head.  "No.  The development of the show takes about eight months; they always premier in April.  Then it's about six or eight weeks in Montreal, then on to another city, and another, and another."  </p>
<p>"For three years."  Costia's voice was flat, and she wasn't looking at Lexa.  "You just live like a nomad, never putting down roots, never calling anywhere home, for three years."</p>
<p>"Or longer," Lexa said.  "If they renew my contract."  </p>
<p>"But—"  Costia pressed her lips together.  She obviously wanted to say something, and just as obviously knew that she shouldn't say it.  </p>
<p>Before, Lexa would have asked.  She would have tried to pry it out of her.  Now... what was the point?  It would only drive the wedge between them deeper, and maybe it was wrong, probably it was unhealthy, but she wasn't ready to let this go quite yet.  They'd invested years into this relationship, their entire adult lives to date.  It had been – still was – Lexa's anchor, and with her life about to be turned on its head, she wanted that.  Needed that.  </p>
<p>"Okay," Lexa said. </p>
<p>Costia's forehead furrowed.  "Okay what?"</p>
<p>Lexa reached across the space between them and took Costia's hand, pressed her lips to her fingers, pressed her palm to her heart.  "Okay," she said again.  "I'll go to graduation."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa arched into Costia's touch, lifting her hips to meet her mouth, groaning as her tongue flicked between them, dipping inside of her and then dragging up to swirl over and around her clit.  She shuddered, her fingers clawing the fitted sheet until she managed to pull it loose at the corners and draw the worn cotton into her fists.  "Fuck fuck <i>fuck</i>," she hissed, her head rolling side to side and there was no longer a pillow under it, where had the pillow...? until she remembered it was wedged under her ass to give Costia a better angle to... </p>
<p>"Fuck!"  Her legs twitched, and she felt Costia's fingers digging into her thighs as she held them apart, not letting Lexa clamp down on her head as it bobbed, quick thrusts into her and then back up and Lexa bucked once, again, a third time as her orgasm exploded out through her, leaving her shivering and moaning in its wake.  </p>
<p>Her legs splayed to either side, even more loose-limbed than usual as every joint in her body seemed to forget how to function.  Costia let go of her, no longer in danger of being smothered, and Lexa felt her tracing her fingertips lightly over the creases and folds that were still swollen, throbbing with her pulse and slick with her arousal.  </p>
<p>"Cos..." she started to say, although she wasn't sure what she was going to say after that, whether she was going to encourage her or ask her to stop, or...  But then Costia was on top of her, her own wet heat meeting Lexa's as she angled her hips just so, rocking and rubbing against her.  Lexa slid her hands up Costia's thighs and let them rest there, her thumbs tracing the crests of bone that arched gracefully beneath her skin, until Costia's took them and pulled them up to her breasts, leaning into the touch.  </p>
<p>Lexa tweaked her nipples, watching as they came to stiff points, did it again when Costia moaned and ground down harder against her, her hips losing rhythm for a moment.  She slid her hand between her legs, rubbing her clit as she found the right position again and rocked faster, her breath quickening, catching in desperate little gasps until she peaked, collapsing forward against Lexa with a groan, the gush of her climax soaking Lexa and probably the sheets.  </p>
<p>Lexa let her hands slide from her breasts to her back, lowering her down so that Costia was laying on top of her, trying not to think about the ache of almost-but-not-quite, because she'd already had one orgasm; expecting more was just greedy.  But she'd been <i>so close</i>, was still...</p>
<p>Costia kissed her neck, sucking hard enough to redden the skin along her collarbone.  Marking her?  Did she think that someone else would try to stake a claim as soon as Lexa was out of her sight?  Lexa made a sound at the soft sting of it, and Costia lifted her head, looking down at her with mischief or... Lexa didn't even know what, really.  She didn't even know what she was feeling herself; how could she venture a guess at what Costia might be feeling?  </p>
<p>"Go on," Costia whispered, shrugging one of Lexa's hands from her back and guiding it between their bodies.  "I know you want to."  She didn't move away as Lexa fingered her swollen clit, instead pressing herself down to add pressure, and it didn't take long to finish herself off... or for Costia to come again, and if it wasn't as intense for either of them the second time around, at least they weren't left feeling frustrated or unfulfilled...</p>
<p>... sexually, anyway.  </p>
<p>Costia rolled off her but stayed close, tucking against Lexa's side, her head pillowed on her shoulder.  She traced the shape of a heart on Lexa's chest, and Lexa felt tears rush to her eyes, leaking from the corners and soaking into her hair at her temples.  If Costia noticed, she didn't say, but she was probably lost in her own thoughts.  </p>
<p>Neither of them slept that night.  They kissed and they cried and they comforted each other in every way that they could think of that didn't involve words, but they didn't sleep.  The sky was beginning to lighten when Costia broke the silence with something other than a gasp or a sigh.  </p>
<p>"What happens now?" she asked, her voice barely audible even though she was close enough for her lips to brush Lexa's skin.  </p>
<p>Lexa turned onto her side to face her, their foreheads resting together.  "What do you want to happen?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Costia laughed, an abrupt, bitter exhale.  She opened her mouth, then closed it again, reaching up to twist her fingers into Lexa's hair.  "I don't want you to go," she said, "but I know you have to.  I know that this is your dream and I know you have to chase it.  If you didn't... if you stayed... you would always wonder, and you would resent me for keeping you, so I know you have to go.  I just..."</p>
<p>"You could come with me," Lexa said.  "Not... not to camp, but after.  To Montreal.  You could come to Montreal, and—"</p>
<p>Costia shook her head.  "Even if I could, even if I did... what would happen when your time there was done?  What would happen when you went on tour?  That's... I couldn't follow you wherever you went."  </p>
<p>"You could," Lexa said.  "People do."  But she knew that although the latter was true, the former wasn't.  Not for Costia.  She had her own plans for the future, plans that she couldn't pursue if she was always on the move.  She wasn't going to give up the job that she'd fought so hard for to bounce from city to city, country to country, living out of a suitcase and in Lexa's shadow.  Lexa sighed.  "I know," she said.  "I shouldn't have even said it."</p>
<p>"I'm glad you did," Costia said.  "I've wondered, sometimes, if you even..."  She sniffed, and Lexa brushed away a tear from her cheek with the ball of her thumb.  "Even if I can't go with you, it helps to know that you would want me to if I could."</p>
<p><i>I've wondered, too,</i> Lexa thought, but she didn't say it.  "I love you," she said instead.  "I love that you have something that you're passionate about, something that you're not willing to sacrifice for... us.  I hate it, but I love it."</p>
<p>"Sometimes it's a very fine line between the two," Costia said.  "I love you too.  Even though it probably sometimes doesn't feel like it... I do.  I love you, and I want what's best for you, and I'm sorry that I can't see how this could possibly be that, but I want you to be happy and this will make you happy."</p>
<p>"It will," Lexa said.  "You'll see, Costia.  I swear you'll see.  You can come and visit and—"</p>
<p>"As a friend?" Costia asked.  "Or...?"</p>
<p>Lexa swallowed, sucking in a breath.  This was it.  This was the moment she'd been dreading more than any other because she didn't know.  She didn't know what was right.  She wasn't sure there <i>was</i> a right choice; when she tried to weigh the pros and cons, there was nothing in the pro column on either side.  "Is that what you want?" she asked.  It was weak, maybe, cowardly, to try to push the fate of their relationship off on Costia when whatever decision they made ought to be mutual, but she couldn't be the one to hold on to her when she would rather be let go, or to let her go when she would rather be held.  She couldn't.  </p>
<p>"No," Costia said.  "I want you."</p>
<p>"Even though I won't be here?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"We've spent every summer apart since we met," Costia pointed out.  "That much won't be any different, and... it'll give us time to think.  To figure things out."</p>
<p>"Okay," Lexa said, a little too quickly, a little too eager.  Costia had a point, though.  They'd done this much before.  They could worry about what would happen when she didn't come home again... when she didn't come home again.  She pressed her lips to Costia's, kissing her hard.  "Okay."</p>
<p>"Okay," Costia agreed, and pulled Lexa on top of her one last time...</p>
<hr/>
<p>The camp threw a party for Lexa and Luna on their last day, with all of the campers and counselors and other members of the staff putting on what amounted to an over-the-top dress rehearsal for their end-of-summer gala performance that would happen in a few weeks, which they wouldn't be present for because they would already be hard at work in Montreal.  </p>
<p>"Do you know what you're going to be doing?" one of the girls – Adria – asked, latching on to Luna and looking up at her.  "Are you going to do silks?  Or straps?  That's what I would want to do.  Something that would let me <i>fly</i>."  Her eyes were wide and far away as she drifted into her own fantasy of a possible future under the big top.  Maybe she would be one of the ones who stuck with it and made it into a career.  Maybe she would stick with it just for fun.  Who knew?  It wasn't their job to predict the future; their job, as Lexa saw it, was to keep the world from dousing the spark that lit her from within whenever she got to soar (even if, at her age, it was only a few feet off the ground).  </p>
<p>"We don't," Luna said.  "Not yet.  I'm sure we'll find out when we get there."  </p>
<p>"Will you tell us?" she asked.  "You could send us a postcard!"</p>
<p>"Of course," Luna said.  "Of course we'll tell you."</p>
<p>"And can we come see you?" Adria persisted.  "Please please please?"</p>
<p>"That will be up to your parents," Luna said.  "Do you have a passport?"</p>
<p>Adria frowned.  "No..."  Her face scrunched and her lip began to quiver.</p>
<p>"Hey," Lexa said, "don't worry about that yet!  The show won't open for months and months – plenty of time to get a passport if your parents decide that they are willing to trek up to Canada to see it, and even if they don't, we'll come tour in the United States, and it won't matter."</p>
<p>"But that could take <i>forever</i>," Adria said.  </p>
<p>"It could take a while," Lexa agreed.  "I'm sure that you'll figure something out, though.  You're a smart cookie."</p>
<p>"Ooh, cookies..." Adria said, finally letting go of Luna to go explore the refreshment table.  </p>
<p>Luna laughed.  "Nice save."</p>
<p>Lexa shrugged.  "I didn't want her to get upset over something that isn't actually an imminent problem."</p>
<p>"We'll have to see about getting tickets," Luna said, "when it gets to that point.  We can maybe get a few blocks of tickets and then the camp can arrange for campers and their families to use them, rather than them needing to do it all individually."  </p>
<p>"Maybe," Lexa said.  "We've got time to figure it out."  </p>
<p>"It probably won't feel that way once we get there," Luna said.  "I think time will fly."  </p>
<p>"Like we will, maybe."  Lexa bit her lower lip, letting it slide between her teeth.  "I can't believe that they didn't tell us what we're going to be doing."</p>
<p>"I don't think that's unusual for them," Luna pointed out.  "They may have an idea of the acts that they want, and they may hire specific people for specific things, but it's not like we really have a specialty.  Whatever they decide, we'll learn it.  We'll be fine."</p>
<p>Lexa nodded, wishing she felt the same confidence.  It wasn't even her ability to learn whatever skillset they asked her to master that had her worried; it was the whole experience.  It was being in a strange place with strange people (and Luna), away from the life that she'd built for herself, away from Costia...  </p>
<p>They'd decided to try long-distance.  The summer had felt almost normal, like every other summer they'd been through together with the two of them separated by several hundred miles, and why couldn't they just keep that up?  Costia had promised to come visit in the fall, after they'd both had a chance to settle into their new jobs and new routines, and they could talk and text and Skype in between, and they would be all right.</p>
<p>Lexa heard someone clear their throat and blinked back into the here and now to find one of the young teen campers standing in front of her.  Aden.  He'd been coming to camp for years, and although he was still small and thin, Lexa suspected that he would fill out as puberty really dug in its claws.  He was already one of the best, and although he didn't seek the spotlight, he was often in it, and seemed almost embarrassed by that fact.  </p>
<p>"I just, um."  His voice cracked and his cheeks turned crimson.  "I just wanted to say congratulations.  You... you deserve it."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa said.  She sat down on one of the benches that they'd used to create their makeshift audience area for the performance and patted the spot next to her.  He sat, his hands pressed between his knees.  "You did a great job tonight."</p>
<p>"Thanks," he said, ducking his head slightly.  "I kind of messed up a little bit in—"</p>
<p>Lexa held up her hand.  "What do we say?" she asked.</p>
<p>He grimaced.  "That if you don't tell the audience, the audience probably can't tell."  </p>
<p>"Exactly.  So shh."  She pressed her finger to her lips, and he smiled shyly.  "You know one of the things I liked best that you did tonight?"  Aden shook his head.  "You encouraged the other kids.  When they were nervous you helped boost their confidence, and when they made a mistake and got upset, you cheered them up.  You helped them shine, too, and that's something that will get you a lot farther than just being The Best."</p>
<p>Aden's shoulders crept up toward his ears, looking like a turtle trying to disappear into its shell.  "I just did what you always do," he said.  "That's all."</p>
<p>Lexa reached out and pushed his shoulders down, pressing them back until he was sitting up straight and lifting his chin.  "That's not something you should just shrug off, though.  You're what?  Thirteen?"  </p>
<p>"Fourteen," he squeaked.  </p>
<p>"Even better.  Next year you'll be eligible to be a counselor in training."  She pulled her phone out of the small string backpack she carried and opened up her contacts before handing it to him.  "Give me your email address," she said.  "You'll need a letter of recommendation, and I would be honored to write one for you."</p>
<p>"You don't—" he started, but Lexa just raised her eyebrows, and he typed in his information and handed the phone back.  "Thank you," he mumbled.  </p>
<p>"You're welcome," she said.  "Maybe someday we'll get to work together again."</p>
<p>"I'd like that," he said, spots of color lingering on his cheeks.  </p>
<p>"So would I.  Now you'd better go get some cake before everyone else eats it all."  She smiled at him, and he got up, but he didn't walk away, just shuffled his feet like he had something more he wanted to say or do but didn't know how to say or do it.  His fingers twitched and he moved his arms stiffly at his sides, and finally it clicked.</p>
<p>She got up and held out her arms, and Aden fell into them, wrapping her in a tight, wiry embrace.  She held him just as tight and rubbed his hair.  She didn't know his whole story, but she knew what it was like to admire someone, to care about them even if you didn't know them well (and after all these summers together, she felt like she knew him pretty well), and to want them to care about you too.  She also remembered the awkwardness of being a teenager and still wanting affection but feeling like you weren't allowed to ask for it.  So she hugged him until she felt him relax, and loosened her grip only slowly, until she felt him settle back on his own two feet.  "I'll send you pictures," she said.  "Give you the inside scoop."  </p>
<p>He grinned.  "Awesome."  And finally he went to get some cake and ice cream and whatever else they were offering that would keep the kids up way past their bedtimes.</p>
<hr/>
<p>After getting their pictures taken for their official IDs, the new artists were taken on a tour of the Cirque studios.  Obviously they would spend most of their time in the gym and various rehearsal rooms, but they were also shown the areas that were more 'behind the scenes': the space where sets were fabricated and where props were made... </p>
<p>Lexa tried to take it all in, but it was overwhelming.  She knew she wouldn't remember the names of half  the people they were introduced to.  It was in the costume shop where she really lost the ability to process anything... because a pretty girl smiled at her.  </p>
<p>She wasn't anyone important, or at least not important enough to warrant an introduction.  She was just sitting at one of the tables, doing something with a bit of tie-dyed cloth.  Sewing something on or removing it, Lexa wasn't sure.  Her bright blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun, with the strands that poked out tinged pink with faded dye.  When she looked up and caught Lexa's eye, she smiled, and it lit up her blue eyes, and Lexa was lost.  She wasn't even sure she managed to smile back, although whatever expression she did make obviously wasn't too alarming, because the girl just dipped her chin in a quick nod and went back to her work.  </p>
<p>Lexa was jerked back to reality by a hard nudge from Luna, who grabbed her elbow to tug her along with the rest of the group as they moved on.  Lexa shook her head and blinked hard, feeling like the blue of girl's eyes – autumn sky blue, the best shade of all – was permanently seared into her retinas.  "Sorry," she muttered, and Luna just rolled her eyes.  </p>
<p>Finally they went back to the gym for their first meeting, and to find out what they would be doing.  Some of the artists already knew, but when they got to Lexa and Luna, both of them straightened up slightly in anticipation.  </p>
<p>"Cyr wheel," the director announced.  "That will be your primary event.  You will perform also with trapeze artist in the act, which is Anya."</p>
<p>A young woman with the sharpest cheekbones Lexa had ever seen raised her hand and nodded to them.  Lexa nodded back, trying not to feel intimidated by the fact that Anya didn't look like the kind of person who tolerated fools gladly.  Not that Lexa was a fool, but... cyr wheel?  Over a decade of summers worth of training in various circus arts, and somehow they managed to pick an event for her – for them – that she had no experience in.  </p>
<p>She darted a quick look at Luna, who rolled her eyes.  <i>Fuck our lives,</i> she seemed to say, but with amusement more than anything.  Lexa couldn't help smiling.  </p>
<p>They would be fine.  They were working with the best, so they would be taught by the best, and they had each other.  They had known coming in that this wouldn't be easy, that they would be challenged, and they were up for it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Back in her room – really a sort of small studio apartment – in the artists' residence, Lexa wasn't nearly as convinced as she had been that they weren't in over their heads.  They'd been introduced to their new apparatus, and it had been... not a <i>complete</i> disaster, in that all of their extremities were still intact, but certainly not anything Lexa would consider a success, either.  But their coach didn't seem bothered by their lack of experience or how slowly Lexa felt like they – she – picked up the skills, so maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed.  But she knew tomorrow she was going to be sore, probably in places she didn't even know it was possible to be sore.  That tended to be how it went any time she learned something new.  </p>
<p>Her phone rang, and for a second she considered ignoring it because getting up to retrieve it from the table where she'd dropped it before getting into the shower and then collapsing in bed seemed like way too much work.  But the ringtone told her that it was Costia, which meant she'd (probably) remembered that today was Lexa's first day, and she was calling to find out how it had gone, because that's what girlfriends did.  </p>
<p>She forced herself upright and grabbed the phone right before it went to voicemail.  "Hey," she said.  </p>
<p>"Hey yourself," Costia said.  "How was it?"</p>
<p>Any doubts Lexa had about whether this could work melted.  It was the first time Costia had shown any real interest in what she did.  She felt sure that they'd reached some kind of turning point.  She launched into a recap of her day, trying to keep the jargon to a minimum so she wouldn't lose her.  </p>
<p>"I'm glad you're happy," Costia said when she finally wound down.  "I miss you."</p>
<p>"I miss you too," Lexa said.  "I wish you were here."</p>
<p>"Oh yeah?"  Costia's voice dropped a little, going husky, and Lexa imagined she could feel Costia's breath on her cheek, on her neck as she leaned in...  "What do you think I would be doing if I was there?"</p>
<p>The words slid down Lexa's spine and settled in her core, warmth flooding through her.  When she was at camp, Lexa lived in a cabin with campers, and she had to sleep there even on the evenings that she got off, so there was never really any opportunity to... relieve oneself, and certainly not with the aural assistance of someone else.  Here, though...</p>
<p>"I think you would..."  Lexa swallowed.  "You would kiss my hands first, the places that don't have the calluses they need yet, and... and..."</p>
<p>"And then I'd work my way up your wrists," Costia continued for her, "and your arms, massaging the places that are sore, and kissing it better, until I got to your neck..."</p>
<p>Lexa's breath caught and she slid down from where she'd propped herself against the wall so she was on her back, her feet still flat on the mattress and her knees jutted up.  "I just got out of the shower," she said, which was neither here nor there, and she wasn't sure why she said it.</p>
<p>"Are you wearing a robe, or just a towel?"</p>
<p>"Just a towel," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"You know I hate wet towels on the bed," Costia said.  "So I would have to do something about that..."</p>
<p>"I also know that you crank the AC in the bedroom because you can't sleep when it's too warm," Lexa said.  "So I would have to pull you closer to keep me warm..."</p>
<p>"I don't want you getting my work clothes wet," Costia said.  </p>
<p>"Then I would have to help you out of them, wouldn't I?" Lexa asked.  "Buttons?"</p>
<p>Lexa could hear the smile in Costia's voice.  "Lots of them."</p>
<p>"Hm... is the blouse expensive?"</p>
<p>Costia laughed.  "Don't you dare."</p>
<p>Lexa stuck out her lower lip even though Costia couldn't see it and laughed.  "Fiiiiine... I would very carefully unbutton <i>all</i> of the buttons, and then I would sulk at you while you hung everything up so it didn't get wrinkled."</p>
<p>"And I would thank you for your patience and understanding," Costia said, "but not with words..."</p>
<p>"Then how?" Lexa asked.  "How would you thank me?"</p>
<p>"I would kiss you," Costia said.  "I would kiss your mouth, and your nose, and your cheeks and temples... I would kiss your ears and down your neck and along your collarbone... I would kiss your breasts..."  Lexa swallowed, the hand not holding the phone unwinding the towel from around her, and she imagined her own thumb was Costia's tongue, tracing circles around her nipple.  She pinched it lightly, telling herself it was Costia sucking on the taut peak.  </p>
<p>"I would kiss down your stomach and over your hips," Costia whispered, "and then I would kiss you between your legs... letting the taste of you flood my mouth as you start to squirm..."</p>
<p>And Lexa was definitely squirming as she slid her palm down her body and traced the tip of one finger over her clit, the skin growing slick with her arousal.  </p>
<p>"I would run my tongue over your clit, trace around it..." Costia breathed, her own voice getting husky, and Lexa wondered if she was touching herself too, or if she would wait for Lexa to tell her what she would do to get her off.  "And then I would slide a finger into you..."  Her breathing stuttered and Lexa didn't wonder anymore...  </p>
<p>"Another," Lexa said back.  "Give me more..."  Not because it was what she would want, necessarily, but because she knew that it was what Costia wanted.  Even as she said it, though, she suited deed to word, pressing into herself with first one finger, then two, the heel of her palm pressing against her as she rolled her hips.  </p>
<p>"Mmm... yes..." Costia moaned.  "You're so hot, so wet... I love the way you taste... love the way you tighten around my fingers when I kiss you... lick you... suck you just the right way...  I love how you start to shake when you're getting close..."</p>
<p>Lexa moved her hand back to her clit as Costia kept talking, or trying to, the words becoming less clear, less coherent, as she pushed herself toward climax.  She went slow at first, but her movements got quicker and harder as her hips started to jerk, as the pitch of Costia's moans started to rise, a sure sign that she was almost there, and if they couldn't be together, at least—</p>
<p>Costia gasped, and then groaned, and Lexa thrust into herself again, grinding hard, her thighs clamping around her own hand as she peaked, her eyes squeezing shut and imagining blue eyes...</p>
<p>Her blood ran cold as she collapsed back against the mattress, but not cold enough to force back the waves of pleasure that rolled beneath her skin, not enough to slow the pounding of her pulse in her ears and in her core.</p>
<p>Not blue eyes.  <i>Brown</i>.  Costia's eyes were brown, and imagining...</p>
<p><i>What the fuck is wrong with you?</i>, she demanded silently.  <i>Why the hell – how the hell can you be imagining anyone but... you've met the girl <b>once</b> and not even really met her, just smiled at her.  You don't even know her <b>name</b>, you can't—</i></p>
<p>"When are you coming?" Lexa asked.  "Cos, when—"</p>
<p>Costia laughed.  "I'm pretty sure I just did," she said.  </p>
<p>Lexa forced herself to smile.  "I mean when are you coming <i>here</i>?  When can I see you?"</p>
<p>She couldn't see Costia's face, but she could hear that her smile had faded when she answered.  "Labor Day weekend.  Why?  What's wrong?"</p>
<p>"I just miss you," Lexa said.  "This just... it just reminded me how much I miss you.  I know it's only been a few days, but..."  But that wasn't true.  It hadn't just been a few days.  It had been months.  Months since she went off to camp.  Months since she'd been able to touch Costia, to hold her hand and kiss her and sleep wrapped around her...  Too long, obviously, if...</p>
<p>She forced her thoughts away from that moment, because it had only been a moment, a weird, involuntary slip into... she didn't even know what.  It had been a long day and she was exhausted.  That was all.  Everything was bound to be a little muddled when you turned your entire life upside down – not quite literally, not yet, but they were working up to it, at least in the cyr wheels – and it didn't mean anything.</p>
<p>"It's only a few weeks away," Costia said in her most understanding voice.  "We've made it this far.  We can make it another few weeks.  And now that you've got your own room..."  Her voice trailed off suggestively.  </p>
<p>"Yeah," Lexa agreed, but she wasn't sure that it would be such a great idea.  Not if she couldn't keep her own mind, her own fantasies, in check.  "It's going to be the longest few weeks ever."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The time apart would have been easier to take if Lexa didn't keep seeing That Girl.  It was like that inexplicable momentary lapse had caused some kind of glitch in the matrix, and now that she'd seen her, Lexa couldn't unsee her, and she couldn't escape her.  They kept running into each other, and they would smile and nod and murmur hello, but they never really spoke.  Lexa didn't even know her name, and she didn't try to find out what it was, either, because it felt like if she knew that, it would only make things worse.  It would solidify her from fantasy glitch to reality, and she couldn't let that happen.  When Costia called all hot and bothered, Lexa took the lead now in telling her what she would do to her, hoping that Costia wouldn't notice that she wasn't doing anything to herself, because then she might ask why, and that was not a question Lexa wanted to answer. </p>
<p>Finally, Costia arrived, late enough on the Friday of Labor Day weekend (which wasn't a thing in Canada, and Lexa had to work the next day, visitor or no) that she was done for the day, and they grabbed something quick to eat before locking themselves in Lexa's room and not emerging from under the sheets for more than a quick trip to the bathroom until the next morning.  </p>
<p>Luna just laughed when she saw her, pink-cheeked and loose-limbed, her eyes managing to be bright with afterglow and heavy with lack of sleep at the same time.  "Did you sleep at all?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Lexa shrugged, smiled sheepishly.  "A few hours.  I feel good, though."</p>
<p>"I know," Luna said.  "I'm pretty sure everyone in the residences knows."  </p>
<p>Lexa had the good grace to blush, but she just shrugged it off.  Luna's room was right next to hers, and the walls weren't particularly thick. She'd certainly heard Luna when Derrick had come to visit.  But she knew that she and Costia hadn't been <i>that</i> loud, so Luna was most likely exaggerating.  It didn't mean she wasn't likely to be in for her fair share of teasing, but she refused to let the idea upset her.  It was all part of becoming part of the group, the family that they were building.</p>
<p>"Good!" their coach called, over and over again during their session.  "Yes!"  He grinned at them when they paused to catch their breath.  "Yes, yes, that is exactly what we're looking for, exactly what we need.  You have come so far in such a short time, and I am so proud of you.  So proud of your hard work."  </p>
<p>Lexa glanced at Luna, and she could see that she was just as lit up by the praise as Lexa was.  They liked their coach and they liked learning new things, and clearly their hard work was paying off.  She wrapped her arm around the wheel that she held, pressing her flushed cheek against the cool metal.</p>
<p>"You have the pieces," their coach said.  "Next week, we really start to put them together, start to make a routine.  But enough for today.  I am letting you go early, go on a high note and enjoy the rest of your weekend."  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't know if he knew that she had a visitor, but even if he didn't, she was grateful for the extra time, even though she wouldn't have minded working just a little longer.  It was what she was here for, after all.  But she'd left Costia on her own back in her room, and there wasn't a lot to do there, so she accepted the time off for the gift that it was with a quick 'thank you' and headed home.</p>
<p>Costia joined her in the shower, and the rest of the weekend was a blur of sex and food and museums and sex and wandering the city and more sex, and when she finally said goodbye, Lexa was almost relieved because she was as exhausted as – maybe <i>more</i> exhausted – than she would have been if she'd spent the weekend working out.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Weeks slid into months, and they kept making plans and then breaking them, because something always came up for one of them.  They couldn't even really get angry about it, because it wasn't like it was always one of them having to deliver bad news; the blame, if blame was to be laid, rested equally on them.  </p>
<p>Before they knew it, it was late November, and the holidays were closing in.  Canadian Thanksgiving wasn't the same day as it was in America so Lexa had to work, but Costia came anyway, because she had the time off and damn it, they were going to take advantage of it.  But from the moment they kissed, Lexa could sense that something was off.  There was a sort of distance in Costia's eyes, a disconnect even as their lips met, even as they undressed each other, touched each other there, and there, and <i>there</i>, all the places they were so desperate to be touched.</p>
<p>Lexa felt it, and she tried harder to reach her, but it seemed like the harder she tried, the faster Costia slipped away, and she felt tears well up as Costia's breath finally caught when she came, felt them spill when Costia buried her face between Lexa's legs, her fingers digging just a little too hard into her hips as she fucked her with her tongue, sent her shuddering and shattering into orgasm, and then slid up her body and pulled her close, held her too tight, and whispered, "I love you, I love you..." into her ear until the words lost all meaning.  </p>
<p>"Just tell me," Lexa said, easing herself away from Costia so they weren't touching anymore, except their hands because even as she pulled away Lexa couldn't quite let go.  "Whatever it is, Cos... just tell me."</p>
<p>Costia licked her lips, probably still tasting Lexa there, and her eyes overflowed.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I'm so sorry.  It's... I just... you're here, and I'm there, and it's so far, for so long, and..."</p>
<p>"Costia," Lexa said, squeezing her hands so tight her knuckles went pale.  "Please, Cos... just tell me.  Just say it."  </p>
<p>"There's someone else," Costia said.  "Not—nothing has happened.  I wouldn't—you know I wouldn't do that to you.  You know—"</p>
<p>Lexa felt as if the air had been sucked from her lungs.  She'd expected... she'd been expecting Costia to tell her that she couldn't do this anymore, couldn't do long distance, couldn't take the time apart, and Lexa would have understood.  She would have accepted that.  She hadn't been prepared for this.  She hadn't even thought to brace herself for the possibility that Costia would move on while they were still together.  </p>
<p>She believed Costia when she said nothing had happened.  She knew Costia well enough, trusted her enough, to know she wouldn't cheat on her.  Not physically, anyway.  Not sexually.  But was that the only kind of cheating there was?  Was that the only kind that counted?  </p>
<p>She forced herself to release Costia's hands.  Her fingers ached from gripping so tight, and the ache wasn't any less for letting go.  "Okay," she said, taking a breath and letting it out, waiting for the world to stop feeling like it was spinning out of control.  She sat up, pushing back the covers and putting her feet on the cold tile, stood too fast and saw stars but forced herself forward anyway, stumbling toward the bathroom and locking herself inside.  </p>
<p>"Okay," Lexa said as she turned on the shower, and, "Okay," as she turned it as hot as she could stand and stepped under the spray.  "Okay," she told herself as she scrubbed her skin until it felt raw.  "Okay," as she washed her hair, and then washed it again, until she was sure that no trace of Costia or sex clung to her skin.  "Okay," she tried to convince herself as tears started to fall, as <i>she</i> started to fall, barely managing to catch herself against the wall and lower herself down to the floor.  "Okay," she gasped, giving herself permission to not be okay at all.</p>
<p>She heard Costia knocking, calling her name, and finally she turned off the water and climbed out.  She realized too late that she hadn't brought anything with her to put on, that even her robe was on the other side of the door.  She wrapped a towel around herself, tucking the ends in securely, and leaned hard against the door.  "Can you... I need something to wear," she said.  "Pajamas or... whatever.  Just something.  Can you get it?"</p>
<p>"Lex—" Costia started to say but stopped.  A minute later she knocked again.  "I'll leave them right here outside the door," she said.  "I won't..."  Lexa could hear the thickness in her voice even muffled by the door.  "I won't look."</p>
<p>Lexa waited until she heard her move away, then cracked open the door to snatch the small pile of clothes Costia had chosen.  They weren't pajamas, but they were soft and comfy.  Her favorite pair of black leggings and a tight cami that negated the need for a bra, and a big fuzzy sweater Costia loved because it brought out the green in Lexa's eyes, even though it was gray.  Lexa slipped into the outfit and checked her reflection in the mirror.  Her eyes were puffy and her nose was red, but she had looked worse.  She quickly twisted her hair back from her face, then pushed back her shoulders and took a deep breath before stepping out to face whatever came next.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa said, meaning for the clothes, but also for stepping back, for not looking until she was ready to be seen.  "Did you... are you hungry?"</p>
<p>Costia frowned, confusion more than anger.  "I..."</p>
<p>"I'm hungry," Lexa said.  She wasn't sure it was actually true; she felt empty, hollowed out, but she didn't think hunger was actually the cause.  Still, she'd worked hard that day at the Cirque studio, and they hadn't eaten yet, and whether she was hungry or not, her body needed fuel.  "Let's go."  She went to her dresser and pulled out a pair of warm socks, then layered on boots, a scarf, a jacket and a hat against the winter chill that had already crept into the air.  Those who had lived here longer were convinced that they would see the first snow of the season soon.  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't even wait to see if Costia was following her as she stepped outside and headed down the block to a place that she'd found that she and Luna loved, because the majority of the choices on the menu were healthy enough that they wouldn't have to worry about side-eye from the nutritionists and trainers if they asked what they'd been eating, but almost everything they'd tried so far was good.  She wasn't sure Costia would be as enthusiastic about it, but Lexa didn't care.  Either she would find something or she would go hungry.  It wasn't Lexa's problem anymore.</p>
<p>They got seats and looked over the menus in near-silence, Lexa only speaking when Costia asked about ingredients she didn't recognize or whether Lexa had tried this or that.  Once their orders were placed, they looked at each other for the first time.  </p>
<p>"How long?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>Costia pressed her lips together.  "We work together," she said.  "Not directly, so it's not—"  She stopped herself, probably realizing that Lexa didn't care whether it would be an issue with HR or not.  "She was one of the first people I met; she showed me around on my first day, and she kept checking in with me to make sure that I was doing—"</p>
<p>"So months," Lexa said, cutting her off.  "As long as I've been gone."  But Costia had started her job even <i>before</i> Lexa had left, which meant...  Her fingers went cold and she set down her glass of water before their trembling got bad enough to show.  </p>
<p>"Not—"  Costia looked down at her plate, picking at the whole grain roll she'd taken from the basket on the table.  "Not exactly," she said.  "It was just friendly for a long time.  It's <i>still</i> just friendly, technically, but..."  Costia bit her lip.  "I was okay for the summer.  I was used to that.  But then you didn't come home.  I knew you weren't coming home, obviously, but... knowing something in your head and knowing it in your heart are two different things.  And after seeing you in September, and then leaving... it was harder than I thought it would be.  A lot harder.  I threw myself into work, and I guess she noticed I wasn't okay, and she... she was just trying to be a friend.  Do what friends do when someone is down.  You know?  But the more time I spent with her, the more time I <i>wanted</i> to spend with her, and things kept coming up, and—"</p>
<p>"Her?" Lexa asked.  "Was she the thing that kept coming up?  The reason you couldn't come see me?"</p>
<p>"No!" Costia said, then grimaced.  "Once," she said more softly.  "Only once, but I told you.  I didn't lie.  I said there was a gallery show for one of my coworkers that I had to help with.  I wasn't lying."  </p>
<p>Lexa remembered.  It had been last month, around Halloween.  "So she's an artist?"</p>
<p>Costia shook her head.  "She was the one who organized the show, and when it got right down to the wire, everything was going wrong and she needed help.  So I stayed to help.  Because that's what friends do."  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded, because it <i>was</i> what friends did.  It's what she would have done if she had a friend in the same position.  "What changed?"</p>
<p>Costia bit her lower lip, let it slide between her teeth.  "After the opening... everyone else was gone.  We were a little tipsy on champagne, and she hugged me and said thank you and... and we just looked at each other, and..."  She swallowed.  "I told her, 'I can't.'  She said, 'I know.'  But there was no putting the genie back in the bottle."  Costia slid her hand across the table, but Lexa pulled back, and she retreated again.  "Every time we've talked since then, I've almost told you, but then I would think, 'This isn't something she should hear over the phone,' or, 'Maybe it's just because you miss her,' or... or all kinds of excuses.  But I decided I needed to see you again, to know for sure..."</p>
<p>"And now you're sure."  </p>
<p>"I love you," Costia said.  "That hasn't changed.  I don't know if that will ever change.  But I can't... I can't do this.  I can't be in love with someone who I can't reach out and touch.  I wish I could be a strong as you, but I can't.  I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  She didn't know what else to do.  She wasn't going to try to hold on to someone who didn't want to be held.  She wasn't going to torture them both by dragging out the death of something that had been slowly slipping from their grasp from the day Lexa had told Costia she'd gotten the job... maybe longer.  Maybe it had been falling apart since Lexa had skipped that interview.  </p>
<p>It didn't matter now.  It was over.  This was the end.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, too," she said after a moment, because she'd played a part in this, too.  By not telling Costia from the beginning about the audition, or by not making more of an effort to get Costia to understand <i>why</i> this was so important to her, or... </p>
<p>She flagged down their waiter.  "Can I actually get mine to go?" she asked.  "And can I get a Little Piston, too?  To go?"  </p>
<p>"Of course," he said.  "It'll just be a few minutes."</p>
<p>"No problem," Lexa said, forcing a smile.  </p>
<p>Costia looked at her, her forehead furrowing.  "What...?"</p>
<p>Lexa reached into her pocket and pulled out her keys, sliding the ones for her building and room off the ring and setting them down in front of Costia.  "I'm bringing Luna dinner," she said.  "I'll stay with her for a while.  Go back and get your stuff, and you can leave the keys outside her door when you go."  </p>
<p>"Lexa," Costia said, but nothing more.  She just looked at the keys, then slowly slid them from the table.  She said nothing as the waiter brought her food on a plate, and Lexa's in to go containers.  She didn't even look up when Lexa stood to go.  </p>
<p>"Goodbye, Costia," Lexa said softly.  Costia said nothing in return, but Lexa hadn't really expected her to.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"I brought you dinner," Lexa said, offering the container to Luna when she answered her door looking slightly disheveled.  Luna glanced back over her shoulder, and Lexa realized she wasn't alone.  "Oh."</p>
<p>"He surprised me," Luna said, her smile pleased and sheepish.  </p>
<p>"Right," Lexa said.  She shoved the box into Luna's hands.  "For later, then."  She made herself smile, because she ought to be happy for her friend, and wondered how long it would be before she was able to smile again without it being painfully fake.  </p>
<p>Luna reached out and caught her wrist.  "What's wrong?" she asked.  "Where's Costia?"</p>
<p>"Still at the café," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Come in," Luna said, stepping aside.  "Derrick, why don't you go find something for yourself for dinner?"  </p>
<p>He looked back and forth between them, trying to gauge the situation, then finished pulling a sweater on.  Luna tipped her face up for a kiss as he passed her on the way out, then led Lexa to the tiny sitting area she'd constructed.  "What happened?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"She found someone else," Lexa said, "so it's over."</p>
<p>Luna's eyes widened.  "She cheated on you?"</p>
<p>"Not exactly," Lexa said.  "Not yet."  But it wasn't cheating if they were broken up, so whatever Costia did now she was free to do with a clear conscience... although Lexa wondered how clear her conscience would ever be with her new girl, and whether it would taint their relationship knowing they'd kind of almost sort of started it while Costia was still with someone else.  </p>
<p>She didn't want it to.  Not much, anyway.  She wanted Costia to be happy.  It was all she'd ever wanted for her, all they'd wanted for each other, and if that wasn't with her anymore, then Lexa had to be okay with that, and she wouldn't wish ill on someone she'd never met, especially if she made Costia happy.  What was the point in being bitter and ugly about something that, deep down, she'd known was coming?  Whatever energy you put out into the world came back to you; she couldn't afford the backlash.</p>
<p>"I gave her my keys," Lexa said.  "I told her to leave them outside your door when she left.  I didn't know I would be interrupting.  I can go somewhere else."  </p>
<p>Luna shook her head.  "You're not going anywhere.  He came knowing that I would have other things to do.  He'll be fine.  He'll probably go hang out in the games room with the Georgians or something."  She smiled, and didn't seem to mind when Lexa didn't smile back.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "This sucks."</p>
<p>"It does," Lexa agreed.  "I knew..."  She sighed.  "I knew that it wouldn't last forever.  I knew eventually the distance would get to her – to us – because it would never end, or at least there would be no end in sight.  I just didn't know it would end like this."</p>
<p>"She came all the way here to break up with within the first few hours?" Luna asked.  "That seems..."  She gestured vaguely.  </p>
<p>"She came here because she wasn't sure," Lexa said.  "She thought..."  Her shoulders slumped.  "I guess she thought maybe when she saw me, she would remember why she loved me and why we were trying to make this work, but I guess instead she realized that I'm not..."</p>
<p>"No," Luna said, leaning forward and grabbing her hand, gripping it fiercely.  "No, Lexa.  This isn't on you.  This isn't about you, and what you are and what you're not.  This is about her, and what she needs in a relationship.  This is..."  She pursed her lips.  "This is reality," she said.  "Your first love might not last forever.  In most cases it doesn't."  </p>
<p>"<i>You</i> were my first love," Lexa pointed out, her lips tipping up and some of the ice in her chest starting to melt when Luna rolled her eyes and laughed.  </p>
<p>"That's not what I mean and you know it," she said.  </p>
<p>"That doesn't mean it's not true," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Your first relationship, then," Luna said.  Because they'd been old enough to learn that there were lots of ways that their bodies could feel good, and all kinds of ways that they could make each other feel good, but young enough that they hadn't really thought about putting a label on what was happening between them.  Luna hadn't been her girlfriend; she'd just been her friend who she kissed – and more than kissed – every opportunity she got.  Labels had come later: pansexual for Luna, lesbian for Lexa, and by the next summer the fever of discovery had passed and things were purely platonic.  </p>
<p>"I know," Lexa said, trying not to feel defeated as she echoed what Costia had said to her before: "But knowing something in your head and in your heart are two different things."</p>
<p>Luna leaned over and pulled her into a hug, and Lexa let herself be pulled, let herself be held, let herself fall apart again while Luna rubbed her back and kissed her head and murmured increasingly ridiculous compilations of curse words directed at Costia and her new paramour that Lexa knew she didn't mean, that she was only saying to make Lexa laugh, and it worked.  After a few minutes, the tears dried up again.  Lexa knew they probably wouldn't be the last that she shed, but at least she knew she wasn't completely alone in dealing with this.  It was enough of a comfort that she was able to differentiate hunger from heartache, and she attacked her sandwich.  </p>
<p>When they were done, Luna went to check and found Lexa's keys outside her door.  She offered them to Lexa.  "You don't have to go," she said.  "But she's gone."</p>
<p>Lexa took them, squeezing hard enough to feel the edges of the metal bite into her skin.  "I know you have things you'd rather be doing," she said.  "And by things, I mean Derrick."  </p>
<p>Luna smiled and shook her head.  "As you pointed out, you are my first love," she said, "and my partner.  You are my first priority.  Even above him.  If you're not okay—"</p>
<p>"I'm not," Lexa said, "but I will be.  At least one of us should..."  A fresh wave of tears rose up, choking her, and Luna immediately sat down again, taking her hands and squeezing them.  "I wish she hadn't come," she said, when she got her breathing back under control.  "She says she didn't know, but she knew.  She knew there was no saving this, that she didn't want to, and that's... that's okay.  I would have been okay with that.  Maybe I would have even been okay with hearing that there was someone else, but to come all the way here, to... to..." Lexa pulled one of her hands away from Luna to scrub the tears from her cheeks.  "Now my last memory of her will be of making love to someone who doesn't love me anymore."</p>
<p>"She waited until after you'd had sex to tell you that she wanted to break up?"</p>
<p>"She waited until after sex – while we were still in bed together – to tell me that there was someone else she'd rather be having sex with," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>This time when Luna started cursing, Lexa was sure that she <i>did</i> mean it.  Vehemently.  It was a good thing Costia was already gone, or Luna might have gone then and there to give her a piece of her mind.  </p>
<p>"She told me she still loved me," Lexa said, "and the thing is, I believe her.  I just wish..."  She sighed.  "I just wish she'd called to say she couldn't visit after all.  I wish she'd told me then that it wasn't working, that she couldn't make it work anymore.  She could have just left it at that."</p>
<p>"Sometimes honestly isn't the best policy," Luna said.  "Sometimes a lie of omission is the kindest thing you can do for a person."  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  She reached for a tissue and blew her nose.  "I'm going to go change my sheets," she said.  "Do my laundry and call it a night."  </p>
<p>"Okay," Luna said.  "If you need me, you know where to find me."  She slid one hand under Lexa's hair, cupping the back of neck and drawing her in until they were forehead to forehead.  "Promise me."  </p>
<p>"I promise," Lexa said, and wasn't really surprised when Luna sealed it with a kiss, soft and chaste, but maybe a reminder that Costia wasn't the only one who had ever loved her – labels or no – and she wouldn't be the last.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When they had the artists start signing their permanent contracts, the ones that would officially obligate them for three years to Cirque and the as-yet-unnamed show they were creating, on Monday, Lexa was the first in line.  She had nothing to hold her back now, nothing to stop her from doing what she wanted, living the life that she wanted.  It took a little bit of the sting out of the end of her relationship with Costia.  </p>
<p>Costia, who had texted her to let her know that she had gotten home safe, and to tell her she was sorry – again – and to wish her the best and to say that she hoped that they could still find a way to be friends because she meant it when she said she still cared about her.  </p>
<p>Lexa hadn't answered any of them.  She'd seen the three dots that indicated that Costia was typing pop up several times, but no more messages had come through. </p>
<p>She'd deleted the text thread, and deleted Costia from her contacts.  She erased all of the pictures of her, and of the two of them together, from her phone.  They were still backed up in the cloud somewhere, she knew, but she didn't track them down to delete them there, too.  There might be a day – somewhere distant in the future – where she might want them.  She'd stopped short of actually blocking her, but only because Costia seemed to have taken the hint that since she'd ended it, it was over.  Lostia was done.</p>
<p>Lexa had always hated the portmanteau that some of their friends – the ones who had only ever known them together – had attached to their relationship.  It had seemed depressing when things were good – how could it not when it sounded like 'lost ya'?  Now it was just painfully accurate.</p>
<p>"Here's your copy," the legal representative said, handing it to her.  "You'll receive an electronic version as well for your records.  Welcome, once again, to Cirque du Soleil."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa said.  She shook her hand and stood up opening the door to the small office and stepping out.  Luna was waiting just outside, and they hugged each other tight before Luna went in to sign her own contract.</p>
<p>After their music class – because yes, even the non-musicians took a music class here, just as the musicians took a movement class – she was told to report to the costume shop to be measured and to have her face cast.  It didn't occur to her until she stepped inside that this would put her in close proximity to That Girl.</p>
<p><i>Very</i> close proximity, it turned out, because she was the one who would be taking Lexa's measurements.  </p>
<p>"Put this on," she said, handing her a blue lycra bodysuit.  "They're very in this season, I'm told."  She smiled at Lexa, and Lexa felt her stomach flip.  </p>
<p><i>For fuck's sake,</i> she scolded herself.  <i>Get it together.  She's just being friendly.  And it's been, what, a minute since...</i>  Lexa pushed the thought away and went into the little cubicle where the girl pointed to change.  She stepped out again and was made to stand against a wall.  The girl reached above her to mark a line for her height, and then had her write her name on it.  </p>
<p>"Thank you, Lexa," she said.  "If you can just step over here, we'll get started.  I apologize in advance for how ridiculously thorough this is."</p>
<p>"It's fine," Lexa said.  "I've been measured before."</p>
<p>"Have you, though?" the girl asked, her tone teasing.  "I'm not sure you have.  Not like this."</p>
<p>Lexa laughed, like a bubble bursting in her chest and escaping through her mouth, and it felt good.  It felt real, and everything that had happened in the last few days – the grief and the anger and the heartbreak – seemed somehow surreal.  Which maybe wasn't healthy, but she would take it if it let her smile like she meant it.  </p>
<p>The woman in charge the shop, who Lexa had met the first day and whose name she had forgotten, cleared her throat, and the girl winked at Lexa as she began to measure, starting from her ankles and working her way up, some normal like hips and inseam, others so strange Lexa couldn't imagine what they would need them for.  They seemed endless.  Every time Lexa thought they had to have reached the end of the list, another measurement was called out.  </p>
<p>"By the time you're done," she said as Clarke measured around the very tops of her thighs, "you're going to know my body better than my girlfriend does."  She meant it as a joke, but then the words hit her: <i>girlfriend does</i>.  Present tense.  "Ex-girlfriend did," she amended, and then tried quickly to cover.  "And I don't even know your name."</p>
<p>The girl looked at her, startled.  "I'm sorry!" she said.  "Clarke.  I'm Clarke."  She stuck out her hand, then realized she was holding a tape measure in it and quickly switched it to the other hand.  </p>
<p>"It's nice to meet you, Clarke," Lexa said, taking her offered hand and holding it for maybe a few seconds longer than she probably should have.  "I didn't mean to interrupt."  </p>
<p>"It's fine," Clarke said.  "Really.  There's nothing worse than someone just standing like a statue while I move around them.  Well, except the guys who can't handle me measuring their inseam."  She grinned, and wrapped the tape measure around Lexa's flexed bicep, getting back to work before her boss had another reason to get annoyed with her.  </p>
<p>"Arms out," Clarke said, and wrapped the tape measure around Lexa's chest, over her breasts, and there was no way for her to completely avoid touching them, and Lexa felt her ears go hot as her body... reacted.  Visibly.  Clarke quickly moved on to measuring under her bust, muttering, "<i>Vingt-quatre.</i>"</p>
<p>"<i>Vingt-quatre,</i>" the woman recording the measurements repeated.  "<i>Es-tu sûr?</i>"</p>
<p>"Shit."  Clarke sighed.  "<i>Quatre-vingt.</i>"  </p>
<p>"Just say it in English if it is easier," the woman said, and it probably wasn't meant to be condescending but Lexa kind of heard it that way, and suspected that Clarke did too.</p>
<p>"Have you ever seen that thing online with different countries counting, and then it gets to French and all of the other countries are like, 'France, what are you doing?'  'France, no!'" Lexa asked, trying to make the moment less awkward.  </p>
<p>Clarke shook her head, but before either of them could say anything, the woman in charge cleared her throat again, and Clarke moved on to the next measurement, continuing doggedly in French just to make a point.  </p>
<p>"I'll show you later," Lexa said softly, and Clarke glanced up at her and smiled.  </p>
<p>When they were done, she went into another room, where she was directed to sit, and they quickly prepared her to have a mold made of her face.  She shivered as the goo – she wasn't sure what it was, but she didn't think they were putting plaster directly on her face – ran down her skin, breathing a little more forcefully as if it would keep it away from her nose.  </p>
<p>"It just takes a few minutes to set," the woman making the mold said.  </p>
<p>Lexa started to respond, then realized that she couldn't move her mouth at all... even if she wanted to.  That was when anxiety started to set in.  She wasn't claustrophobic... or she hadn't been until that moment.  Now she felt trapped, unable to see or speak, and even her hearing was muffled by the weird sort of frame they put around her face.  She clenched her hands into fists on her knees, hoping the feeling would go away, but it didn't, and what if the stuff dripped into her nose?  She couldn't hear anyone else in the room anymore; what if they'd left, and suddenly she couldn't breathe, and—</p>
<p>She reached up to try to check and make sure nothing was actually running, that the crawling feeling on her skin was all in her head, but someone caught her hands.  "It's okay."  Clarke.  She hadn't come with her into the room; what was she doing here now?  "You're okay, Lexa," she said.  "Just breathe.  In through your nose, out through your... well, nose.  It'll be over soon."</p>
<p>Lexa tried to steady her breathing, but it still didn't feel like enough, and she pulled against Clarke's hands, trying to free herself.  Clarke held tight, and Lexa felt Clarke's leg bump hers as she came closer.  She pressed Lexa's hands to her chest, holding them there with her palms flat so she could feel her heartbeat, and the rise and fall of her breathing.  "Come on," she said.  "In... and out..."  </p>
<p>She made herself do as Clarke said, sucking in each breath and letting it out as slowly as she could, until the panic eased enough that she was able to make it through the remaining time it took for the mask, or mold, or whatever it was, to set.  When it was finally pulled off and she could breathe freely again, she opened her eyes and looked for Clarke, who had been forced to let go so that the mask woman could work.  She was still there, just off to the side, and she smiled and gave Lexa a thumb's up.  </p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa said, pushing herself up out of the chair.  "I don't know why I freaked out.  I just..."</p>
<p>"It's okay," Clarke said.  "Really.  I'm sure you're not the first person, and I doubt you'll be the last.  You got through it."  </p>
<p>"I owe you," Lexa said.  "If you hadn't stopped me—"</p>
<p>"They would have had to start all over again, and I don't think anyone wanted that," Clarke said.  "You don't owe me anything."</p>
<p>Lexa bit the inside of her lip.  "If you want, I can help you with your French," she offered.  She flushed realizing that if someone wanted to misinterpret that, it could easily be construed as a come-on, some kind of really lame pickup line.  She bit her tongue to keep herself from saying that she didn't mean it like that, because maybe Clarke <i>wasn't</i> thinking that, and if Lexa said she didn't mean it that way, then she <i>would</i> be thinking she'd meant it like that, and—</p>
<p>"That would actually be awesome," Clarke said.  "It turns out high school French doesn't get you as far in life as you might think."</p>
<p>"Who'd have thought?" Lexa asked.  "When are you done?"</p>
<p>"Five," Clarke said.  "It should be, anyway.  We're not in crisis mode, so we've been able to mostly keep regular hours."</p>
<p>"I'll meet you at five," Lexa said.  "If we run a little late, wait for me?"</p>
<p>"I will," Clarke said.  "I'd better get back.  Time for my next victim."  She winked and made her way back into the area where they were measuring, and Lexa took a moment to scrub a few remaining bits of mold goop from her face before going to her next session.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke was waiting in the lobby at five, looking out the window at the rather gray day.  Those who thought they knew things about the weather were still saying snow, but so far it hadn't manifested.  Clarke looked prepared for it, though, whenever it did come, her neck swathed in a blue scarf and a beanie (or toque, as they called them here in Canada) artfully slouched on her head.  Lexa couldn't hold back the smile that curved her lips... not that she wanted to.  She was about to greet her when Luna came up beside her.  </p>
<p>"Do you know what you're doing for dinner?" she asked.  "I was thinking—"</p>
<p>"I actually have plans," Lexa said.  "I mean, you can probably join us if you want to.  I don't think she'd mind."  Her gaze drifted to Clarke, who was still lost in her own world, and Lexa wondered if maybe she had earbuds in, tucked under the beanie.  </p>
<p>Luna raised an eyebrow, and Lexa rolled her eyes in response.  "It's not like that," she said.  "I had a little bit of an anxiety attack when they were doing the mold of my face, and she helped me calm down.  So I offered to help her with her French, since she got a little mixed up with numbers when she was measuring me."  </p>
<p>"So you're going to help her with her French?"  Luna smirked, and Lexa was tempted to swipe her hand across her friend's face to wipe it off.</p>
<p>"I told you, it's not like that," Lexa said.  "I just broke up with Costia."</p>
<p>Luna tipped her head, the smile dropping away.  "Yes and no," she said.  "Officially, yes, you just broke up with Costia.  But you've been apart for months, and from what you've said, things were... not so good even when you were together, when all of this happened."  </p>
<p>Lexa pressed her lips together, not wanting to acknowledge that Luna was right.  </p>
<p>"My point is," Luna said, "even if it's <i>not</i> like that... don't automatically dismiss the possibility of it – if not with her, then someone else – just because it doesn't fit to some artificial timeline you've constructed, or that you feel like society has dictated."  </p>
<p>Lexa sighed, pushing her hair back out of her face.  "I'm not going to hook up with someone just because I don't know how to be single," she said.  "That wouldn't be fair to her."</p>
<p>"That's not what I mean," Luna said.  "You know that's not what I mean."  </p>
<p>"I know," Lexa said.  She did.  She also knew that Luna knew her as well as anyone – probably better – and that she wasn't off-base with the idea that Lexa might push away something potentially good just because she felt like it would look a certain way to other people.  </p>
<p><i>To Costia,</i> she admitted to herself.  <i>But why should you care what she thinks?  She's not in your life anymore, and she moved on before you even broke up, so what if you <b>do</b> fall in love – or at least in bed – with someone else sooner rather than later?  She doesn't get to judge.  She doesn't even get to know.</i></p>
<p><i>And she wouldn't care anyway.</i>  </p>
<p>The thought hit her hard, and she deflated fast as a pricked balloon.  Which of course meant it was time for Clarke to finally notice her.  Her face lit up and she came across the lobby quickly.  "Hey!"  She pulled Lexa into a hug, which Lexa she didn't quite know what to do with, but Clarke didn't hold on long enough for her to have to.  "Are you... ready?"  She grimaced, like she'd been going to say something else but reconsidered.  </p>
<p>"Have fun," Luna said, catching Lexa's hand and squeezing it for just a second.  "I'll see you back at the residence."  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded, lifting her hand in a lame excuse for a wave as Luna pushed through the lobby door and out.  "My partner Luna," she explained, then added, "for the show.  My partner for the show."</p>
<p>Clarke's lips quirked and her eyes sparkled with laughter.  "I know," she said.  "I measured her, too."</p>
<p>"Oh," Lexa said.  "Right."  She forced herself not to shuffle her feet or bite her lip or do anything else awkward.  "I guess we should..."  She gestured toward the door.</p>
<p>"Right," Clarke echoed.  They made their way outside, and a gust of cold wind seemed to come out of nowhere, hard enough to stagger them against each other.  Lexa caught hold of Clarke to steady her, and Clarke gripped her elbow in return.  "Are you, um, hungry?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"Always," Lexa said, smiling at the relieved look that flashed across Clarke's face.  "Did you have someplace in mind?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Clarke said, "although I don't know if you can... or..."  The way her face scrunched up a little when she was flustered gave Lexa a warm feeling in her chest that she couldn't quite identify... or maybe didn't want to.  </p>
<p>"Don't worry," Lexa said.  "We're not on crazy diets or anything.  Not unless we give them reason to put us on one.  There's a nutritionist on staff, of course, but her take is that we are the ones, ultimately, who need to do the work, and we are in the best position to know what fuel our bodies need.  She actually thinks it's healthy to indulge once in a while, as long as it's not too often or too much.  Everything in moderation.  And I've been good all day, so... whatever you're thinking, I'm in."  </p>
<p>"Oh good," Clarke said, "because other than trying to figure out why the hell fifty would be two-twenties-ten, all I've been thinking about all day is crepes."  </p>
<p>Lexa laughed.  "Sadly, I have no explanation for French numbers, but now that you've said that... yes, please.  Lead the way."  </p>
<p>They hurried along the streets, heads ducked down against the wind, and Lexa was relieved to find they didn't have far to go.  Inside it was warm, almost steamy, and the air was scented with sugar.  Her mouth watered, and she was glad the ambient noise covered up the gurgle of her stomach.  They were shown to a table and given menus, and Lexa groaned.  "How am I supposed to choose?" she asked.  "They all look good."</p>
<p>Clarke looked up from her menu.  "We could share," she said.  "Then you can at least try two different ones.  Or four, technically, because there is no way we're not getting dessert, too."  </p>
<p>"A girl after my own heart," Lexa said.  "When I was in school, other girls were always so, 'I don't know how you can be so disciplined, you always eat so healthy, I would die if I ate that much salad, blah blah blah.'  Putting aside the fact that I had a goal I was working toward that required me to stay in good physical shape, and my body was used to being fueled properly so when I ate too much garbage, I felt like... well, just that, I made sure I was pretty strict with most of what I ate so that when I wanted to, I could indulge my sweet tooth.  It's my biggest weakness."  </p>
<p>"Is that a yes on the sharing, then?" Clarke asked.</p>
<p>"Yes," Lexa said.  "Please."</p>
<p>"Okay."  Clarke scooted her chair closer so they could look over the menu together, deciding on the two they most wanted to try.  She glanced at Lexa in confusion when Lexa switched into French, but responded in the same, and they finally made their decision and made their order.  </p>
<p>"So are you fluent?" Clarke asked, switching back to English.  </p>
<p>Lexa considered pulling the obnoxious language teacher trick and making her ask the question in French, but decided that even if it was useful for learning a language, it was a bit much at the end of a work day, before they had food in their stomachs, and on a first date.</p>
<p>Except this was not a date.  Even if Clarke hadn't moved her chair back to its original position, and it felt like a swarm of lightning bugs had taken up residence inside of her, fluttering around like butterflies but also lighting up at random, making her aware of every movement she made, and every movement Clarke made, every look that she gave her...  </p>
<p>"More or less," Lexa answered after what was probably too long a pause.  "When I decided this was the dream, this was my goal, I also decided I needed to learn French.  And I didn't just want the basic stuff they would teach you in a regular school class.  I wanted to be fluent.  My father was all too happy to send me off to a boarding school with a French immersion program.  I didn't just take French, I had classes about other things taught in French.  But I've discovered that the French I learned – the French they speak in France – and the French they speak here are not entirely the same.  Which I was aware of, but I wasn't prepared for it to be as different as it sometimes is."  </p>
<p>"Great," Clarke grumbled.  "So what you're saying is that what I know is useless."</p>
<p>Lexa laughed and shook her head.  "Not useless," she said.  "Just... not as helpful as it might be.  Perhaps the most important thing to know about Canadian French is this: when in doubt, blaspheme."  She grinned.</p>
<p>"I'm pretty sure you're joking," Clarke said.</p>
<p>"I'm pretty sure I am, too," Lexa said.  "About using them when in doubt, anyway.  But they use all kinds of religious terms as swear words: <i>câlice, sacrament, tabarnak</i>... and the more upset you more, the more you string together.  <i>Crisse de câlice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trou vierge</i> is for when you're extremely angry, and is basically Christ, the chalice, the tabernacle, the host, the sacrament, the virgin... it's got it all."  </p>
<p>"That's..."  Clarke shook her head.  </p>
<p>"I've heard some people consider the ability to string <i>sacres</i> together something of an art form," Lexa said.  "Of course, I don't think it packs the same punch when you're not actually steeped in the religion, or the culture."</p>
<p>"You're not religious?" Clarke asked.</p>
<p>Lexa shook her head.  "You?"</p>
<p>"No," Clarke said.  "Sometimes I wish I was.  I feel like it might be comforting to believe there's some higher power looking out for us."</p>
<p>"Or infuriating that they're still letting things get so messed up," Lexa countered.  </p>
<p>"That too," Clarke said.  </p>
<p>Their food arrived, and they split the crepes as evenly as they could, transferring half onto the other's plate.  When conversation resumed, it was in halting (in Clarke's case, anyway) French.  They talked about the food and their lives before Cirque, with Lexa supplying words when Clarke fumbled, and gently correcting her pronunciation and grammar only when the mistakes were glaring enough that they might lead to misunderstandings.  She was better than she gave herself credit for, even if her sentences were a bit rudimentary.  </p>
<p>Lexa learned that Clarke's mother was a doctor, and before his passing, her father had been an environmental engineer.  She had planned (or it had been planned for her) that she would go into medicine as well, but after her father died when she was sixteen, she'd decided life was too short to spend that much time in school to do something she wasn't passionate about, so she'd gone to art school instead.  Her mother still wasn't thrilled, but she seemed to be warming to the idea now that Clarke had secured a job with a reputable company.  </p>
<p>Lexa told her she'd also lost a parent young, and that her father had basically abdicated responsibility for her upbringing, sending her to boarding school during the school year and camp all summer, but that in the end it was probably better because it meant he wasn't around to discourage her from pursuing her dreams.  </p>
<p>"What about now?" Clarke asked.  "Does he know you did it?  That you made it here?"</p>
<p>Lexa shook her head.  "Not yet," she said.  "Not when there's still a chance..."  She let the thought trail off, unwilling to put the possibility of this not working out even after signing a contract and putting in the work into the universe.  </p>
<p>"Are you going to tell him?" Clarke asked.  </p>
<p>"I'll tell him before the premiere," Lexa said.  "I hope he'll want to be here."  There were no guarantees.  </p>
<p>"<i>Merci beaucoup,</i>" Clarke said as they were finishing their dessert.  </p>
<p>"<i>De rien,</i>" Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Maybe we can do this again sometime?" Clarke asked.  "For practice?"</p>
<p>Lexa couldn't help smiling even as she tried to squash the tiny ember that kindled in her heart.  "I'd like that," she said.  </p>
<p>Clarke smiled back, and the ember ignited.  <i>Fuck.  Esti d'épais à marde!</i>  "I'll see you tomorrow?"</p>
<p>"It's not that big a building, so it seems likely," Lexa said as casually as she could.</p>
<p>Clarke's smile widened, and she reached out and took Lexa's hand, giving it a quick squeeze and letting it go before Lexa could react.  Lexa watched as she walked away, possessed with the sudden desire to chase after her, to walk her home even though it was in the opposite direction of where Lexa needed to go, but she didn't.  Instead, she trudged home, her feet dragging with every step.  </p>
<p>Luna appeared in the doorway of her room as soon as Lexa slipped her key into the lock, as if she'd been lying in wait for Lexa's return.  "So?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"So what?"  Lexa pushed open her door and went inside, and Luna followed without invitation, but they had known each other far too long – and too intimately, at least for a summer – to get caught up on formalities.  </p>
<p>"So how was it?" Luna asked, sprawling on her bed.  </p>
<p>"It was fine," Lexa said.  "We went and got crepes and talked.  In French.  So she could practice."  </p>
<p>Luna made a face.  "That's all?"</p>
<p>"I told you—" Lexa started, but Luna waved her off.</p>
<p>"I know.  I shouldn't push."</p>
<p>"No, you shouldn't," Lexa said.  "Now really isn't the time to be starting a relationship anyway.  We're in the studios more hours of the day than not, and it's only going to get more intense as we get closer to the premiere.  I need whatever time I can get to relax and decompress, maybe get some <i>sleep</i>, not—"  She scowled at Luna's smirk.  "Don't give me that look."  </p>
<p>Luna obediently smoothed out her features.  "Just remember what I said.  There's no timeline for—"</p>
<p>"I know," Lexa said.  "Drop it, will you?  Please?"</p>
<p>Luna pursed her lips, looking like she wasn't sure whether to honor Lexa's request or not, but finally she nodded.  "For now," she said, standing up.  She pulled Lexa into a hug, her lips brushing Lexa's cheek as she pulled away.  "Sleep well."  </p>
<p>"You too," Lexa said.  Luna's hands trailed down her arms, and she squeezed Lexa's hand before letting go.  Lexa clenched her hand, remembering, and wondered if she would manage to sleep at all.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed to happen in fast forward, a blur of choreography and gym time and creating a routine on an apparatus she had only picked up a few months before.  When the entire cast and crew was gathered together at the end of the last day before the holiday break, Lexa found herself not processing a word that was said, too distracted by the flash of bright hair out of the corner of her eye... and the fact that every time she tried to sneak a glance at Clarke, she caught her looking back.  </p>
<p>They'd met up a few times over the weeks, and exchanged hellos and sometimes a little small talk in passing, but they'd both been busy.  Now they had two entire weeks off, and Lexa had absolutely nothing planned.  Luna had invited her to go home with her, but she wasn't keen on spending the holidays as a third wheel.  There were others who would be staying in the residences, although many were traveling, either home or elsewhere, so it wasn't as if she would be alone.  But she couldn't help wondering what Clarke's holiday plans were, and whether they might finally get the chance to go on another date.</p>
<p><i>It wasn't a date,</i> she reminded herself.  <i>It was just two people getting to know each other a little better.  As friends.</i></p>
<p>But friends didn't give you butterflies every time they smiled at you.  They didn't make your heart skip a beat when they laughed.  And they certainly didn't raise goosebumps all up and down your arms and legs every time they touched you.  </p>
<p>Clarke... Clarke did all those things, and more.  </p>
<p>They were finally dismissed, and for once no one lingered to chat or check in with their coach or ask a question about tomorrow's schedule.  There was a mass exodus out the door, with some people making a beeline for the locker room where their luggage was ready and waiting for a trip to the airport.  </p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Luna asked.  "A last minute flight will be expensive, but—"</p>
<p>"I'm sure," Lexa said, forcing herself to focus on her friend's face and not on Clarke, who was lingering at the edges of the group, as if waiting for someone.  Maybe, just maybe, waiting for her.  </p>
<p>Luna followed the flick of her eyes, and an amused smile curved her lips.  "All right," she said.  "Call me if you need me, or if you get bored... or have anything to tell me..."  </p>
<p>"I will," Lexa said, rolling her eyes.  "Merry Christmas."  </p>
<p>"Merry Christmas," Luna said, hugging her tight for a long, lingering moment.  When she finally let go, she turned and gave a quick wave to Clarke, with a little flourish of her hand as if to say, 'She's all yours.'  </p>
<p>Lexa might have imagined the faint pink that tinged Clarke's cheeks, but when she started to approach, Lexa closed the distance between them, not wanting her to feel awkward... or maybe just not wanting to wait.  "Merry Christmas," she said, sliding into Clarke's open arms, and it didn't feel forced or awkward anymore.  </p>
<p>"<i>Joyeux Noel,</i>" Clarke responded, and Lexa found herself staring at Clarke's lips as she formed the words.  "I just wanted to wish you a good break."  </p>
<p>"You too," Lexa said.  "Are you... going anywhere?"</p>
<p>Clarke shook her head.  "I thought about it, but I don't really have the money to spare for a trip, and I don't have anyone to travel with anyway, so I decided to stay.  Maybe finally see some of the tourist sites, since I've barely had time to catch my breath since arriving."</p>
<p>"Me either," Lexa said.  "To both.  I'm not going anywhere, and I haven't seen much of the city."  </p>
<p>"Maybe we could go together," Clarke suggested, her tone light, but there was an intensity in her gaze that belied the seemingly casual suggestion.  She wasn't used to rejection, but she was terrified of it.  </p>
<p>"I'd like that," Lexa said.  "Are you—"  Her voice cracked, and her cheeks ignited.  She cleared her throat.  "Are you doing anything now?"</p>
<p>"I was going to head home, see if I can cobble together something resembling a meal from what I have in my fridge," Clarke said.  "But if you have a better idea..."  She lowered her lashes, then raised them again, twisting one shoulder inward in a move so overtly flirtatious they both laughed.  </p>
<p>"I seem to remember an entire menu of crepes waiting to be tried," Lexa said.  "Or we could try something new, if you'd rather."  </p>
<p>Clarke considered.  "I'm always down for something new," she said, "but there's something to be said for the tried and true..."  She slipped her hand into the crook of Lexa's elbow.  "Surprise me."</p>
<hr/>
<p>They spent every day together.  Sometimes only for a few hours, but more often they would meet up sometime in the morning, and not part until after dinner... or later if they went to a show.  Lexa found herself smiling more often than she could remember doing at any other point in her life, with the possible exception of summers at camp.  Seeing Montreal was exciting, but getting to see it alongside someone else, getting to try to see it through Clarke's eyes, was even better.  Clarke hadn't lived a sheltered life by any means, but somehow she had managed to maintain a childlike wonder about even the smallest things that rekindled something in Lexa that had been all but snuffed out in the latter half of college, when she'd been trying to balance her own dreams with Costia's need for structure and control.  For the first time in a long time, she was with someone who could find beauty in just about anything, who embraced the whimsy and spontaneity that led one to throw caution to the wind and join the circus.  </p>
<p>"There's a party at the residence tonight," Lexa said.  It was Christmas Eve and they'd met up for lunch.  "You should come with me."  </p>
<p>Clarke tilted her head.  "Is it just for artists?"</p>
<p>"You <i>are</i> an artist," Lexa said.  Aside from what she did in the costume shop, Clarke also liked to draw and paint, and on one memorable afternoon when the weather was too cold and damp to want to spend time outdoors, she'd taken Lexa to her apartment and shown her some of the pieces she'd created since she'd arrived, as well as a few she'd brought with her, unable to face the prospect of blank white walls for even a minute.  </p>
<p>"You know what I mean," Clarke said.  </p>
<p>"I don't think anyone will mind," Lexa said.  "The more the merrier.  And you're not someone high enough up in the organization that they might worry that you're going to rat them out for any hijinks they might get up to."</p>
<p>"Hijinks," Clarke snickered.  "What about shenanigans?"</p>
<p>"There will definitely be shenanigans," Lexa said, grinning back at her.  "Please come.  I don't want to go alone."</p>
<p>"They're your castmates!" Clarke said.  "Don't you know them all?"  </p>
<p>"To an extent," Lexa said, "but we don't really get a lot of time to socialize, and with some there are some pretty significant language barriers.  Other than Luna, who isn't here, and Anya, who also isn't here, you're the person I know best.  Anyway, what else are you going to do?"</p>
<p>"What are you implying?" Clarke asked, narrowing her eyes, but her feigned anger didn't last more than a second when Lexa jutted out her lip in a pout.  "Fine!" she said, throwing up her hands, and Lexa didn't think it was an accident when one landed on Lexa's when she brought them back down again.  "What time?"</p>
<p>"Seven, I think, until whenever," Lexa said.  She stroked Clarke's thumb with her own, not flinching or pulling away when Clarke looked down at the touch.  Neither of them moved, even as they returned to their meals; they just picked up their forks with their other hands, and wasn't it convenient that Clarke was a leftie so neither of them was fumbling with their non-dominant side?  </p>
<p>"My treat," Lexa said, when the bill came.  "Consider it a Christmas gift."  </p>
<p>Clarke didn't argue for once, and when they parted, it was with the promise that they would see each other soon.  </p>
<p>Lexa found herself getting ready for the party hours before, wanting to make sure her hair and makeup were perfect, that her outfit was dressy without being over-the-top.  She wanted to look desirable, not desperate.  Her hands shook as she applied her eyeliner, and she had to wipe it off and start over twice before she got it just right.  </p>
<p><i>You're being silly,</i> she told herself.  <i>There's no reason to go to all this trouble.  She's seen you with no makeup, your hair in a messy ponytail, soaked in sweat, and looked at you exactly the same as she did when you curled your hair and put on your best dress for the theater.  You don't need to impress her.</i></p>
<p><i>And anyway,</i> she added, <i>it's not like that.  You've already given Luna all of the reasons it can't work.  Add to that the fact that she doesn't see you that way, and you're just wasting your time.</i></p>
<p>But when Clarke arrived, it didn't feel like wasted effort at all, or if it was, Clarke had put in just as much.  "I have something for you," she said, holding up a large, flat, rectangular package.  "For Christmas."</p>
<p>"Come in," Lexa said, stepping aside to let Clarke into her room.  </p>
<p>"From the looks of things," Clarke said, taking in the space with a quick sweep, "you need it."  She offered the package to Lexa, who peeled away the paper and found herself staring at... herself.  Or not herself, not exactly, it wasn't a portrait... but a woman in a pale dress on a Cyr wheel, gripping it as she leaned into a turn, her head thrown back and hair cascading behind her.  She was bathed in yellow light against a background in a thousand shades of blue.</p>
<p>"<i>Mon dieu,</i>" she gasped.  "Clarke, it's..."  She looked at her, shaking her head in disbelief.  "How did you...?"  </p>
<p>"I snuck into a few of your rehearsals," Clarke said.  "You're remarkably unobservant when you're focused."  </p>
<p>Lexa set the painting carefully aside and pulled Clarke to her, squeezing her harder than she meant to, but Clarke didn't complain.  "It's beautiful," she said.  "Thank you.  I..."  She swallowed.  "Someone has to have a hammer and nails around here."  </p>
<p>But with the residence more than half empty, and the people that were there already in party-mode, no one else seemed to think the hanging of a picture was high priority, so Lexa propped it up on her dresser where she would be able to see it for now.  She would find a hardware store the day after Christmas if she had to.  </p>
<p>They joined the party hand-in-hand, and although Lexa thought she saw a few eyebrows go up, no one questioned it, or Clarke's presence there.  There was more food than anyone knew what to do with (and where it had come from Lexa wasn't sure, considering the cooking facilities they had here were pretty rudimentary) and even more alcohol, and within the hour she was pleasantly buzzed, both from the drink someone had mixed for her and from Clarke's presence at her side.  Conversation flowed easily in several languages, with people sometimes flipping from one to another mid-sentence when a word or concept eluded them in what wasn't their native tongue.  Clarke seemed to be holding her own when French was the language of choice, and Lexa couldn't help beaming like a proud mother at the progress she'd made.  </p>
<p>It was closing in on midnight and the party was still going strong when Lexa's energy started to flag.  She leaned against the door frame, watching people laughing and dancing and going back for just one more bite of food that wasn't anywhere on any of their nutrition plans, but they were on holiday so who cared?  </p>
<p>Someone nudged against her, and she moved to step aside to let them through, but when she looked she saw it was Clarke, so she just slipped an arm around her.  "Having a good time?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Clarke nodded.  "Thank you for inviting me," she said.  "I would have been sitting at home wallowing in self-pity if you hadn't."  </p>
<p>"Plenty of time for that tomorrow," Lexa joked.  </p>
<p>"Actually," Clarke said, "I was thinking—"</p>
<p>But Lexa didn't get to hear what Clarke was thinking, because one of the men from the Russian swing act started gesticulating excited at them, pointing above their heads then gesturing back and forth between the two of them.  </p>
<p>Lexa looked up, afraid there was a monster-sized spider about to descend on them or something, but no... it was only mistletoe.  </p>
<p>"Oh," Clarke said, her gaze dropping from the sprig of greenery to Lexa's face.  To her eyes, and then to her lips and back up again.  "I don't think they're going to let us weasel our way out of this," she said softly.  </p>
<p>"Would you want to?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>"Not even a little," Clarke said.  She gripped Lexa's arm as she pushed herself up, and Lexa leaned down, and their lips met in the middle.  </p>
<p>The kiss was soft, and sweet, and everything Lexa could hope for a kiss to be... and over far too soon.  Clarke rocked back on her heels and smiled wryly at Lexa as laughter and cheers surrounded them.  Their audience thought it was just for show, an acquiescence to tradition for their amusement, but Lexa needed only to meet Clarke's eyes to know that she'd meant it as far more than that... and needed only to look to her own heart to know that the feeling was mutual.</p>
<p>So she kissed her again, when people had grown bored of watching them – their attention spans were only seconds long by now – and again as she led her to the door.  </p>
<p>"Your place or mine?" Clarke asked.</p>
<p>"Mine's closer," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Sold."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So a tropical storm tore through my state and knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people... including me.  I'm posting this from work (shh... don't tell) after they finally said I could come into the office for the day.  No idea when we'll get power back but they're telling us to expect it to be a few days.  So if I'm slow to respond to comments, that's why.  ♥</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke's lips burned against Lexa's as they stumbled into her room, already fumbling with zippers and fastenings to get each other out of clothing that suddenly felt too tight, too hot, too in the damn way.  Lexa made sure the door was locked before hiking Clarke's skirt up her hips, stroking her thigh through the stockings she wore and feeling her shudder in response.  </p>
<p>Lexa's zipper slid down her spine, and Clarke's fingers followed it, sending a chill through her that had little to do with cool air hitting her sweat-damp skin.  A tug pulled it loose, and the top of the dress – which wasn't actually a dress but a closely matched and fitted blouse and skirt, came loose.  Clarke pushed away from the wall where Lexa had pinned her, putting enough space between their bodies to slide the sleeves from Lexa's shoulders, the neckline dropping lower and lower until it was clear that she wasn't wearing anything underneath.  </p>
<p>The top was tossed onto a chair and then she was back in Clarke's arms, Clarke's breath gusting against her throat as she murmured, "You're even more beautiful than I imagined..."  </p>
<p>"You imagined me?" Lexa asked, fumbling with Clarke's zipper and wondering how she'd managed so easily.  She supposed Clarke was used to such things, working with costumes.  She finally worked it down, sliding her fingers under the material to dig into the dip at the small of Clarke's back.  </p>
<p>"Many, many times," Clarke said, her fingers gliding up Lexa's sides and over her ribs, her thumbs just grazing the curve of her breast.  "I had all of your measurements, after all... how could I resist putting them all together to recreate the shape of you?"</p>
<p>Lexa unhooked Clarke's bra.  That, at least, she had plenty of experience with.  "So you do this with all of the people you've measured?" she teased.  </p>
<p>Clarke shook her head, nipping at Lexa's earlobe.  "Only the ones whose eyes I can't get out of my head."  </p>
<p>Lexa shivered, with pleasure but also with just a flicker of shame, remembering when she'd imagined Clarke's eyes when she ought to have been imagining Costia's.  But Costia was gone, and Clarke was here, and Clarke wanted her and Costia didn't.  Clarke...</p>
<p>"Clarke," she breathed, finding her mouth again, parting her lips with the tip of her tongue as she peeled off her dress, and her bra with it, the latter of which fell to the floor once it was freed from Clarke's arms, the former catching on her hips until Clarke did a quick shimmy and sent it to pool at her feet.  Lexa's breath caught Clarke's skin slid against hers, her nipples quickly stiffening as Clarke's full breasts pushed against her.  </p>
<p>Clarke eased down the zipper at the back of Lexa's skirt and Lexa hooked her thumb in the waistband of Clarke's stockings and panties, working them down her hips, biting her lip when their mouths finally parted and she took half a step back to be able to see Clarke – all of her – for the first time.  She could feel her pulse all through her body, but especially in her thighs and between her legs, and she wanted to take Clarke's hand and guide it to the ache in her core, but she didn't.  She waited for Clarke to finishing slipping off her stockings, and she stepped out of her own skirt, and their shoes had been kicked off somewhere along the way (hopefully here and not in the hallway...) and Clarke's hands slipped under the elastic and over her skin, cupping her ass and pulling their hips together.  </p>
<p>They tumbled into bed, and Lexa scrambled out of her underwear and under the sheets where Clarke had already settled herself.  There was a boldness and surety to her actions that set Lexa's nerves on fire, and she made no objection when Clarke rolled on top of her, pinning her down.  She didn't know what was going to happen except in broad strokes, and she honestly didn't care, because it had been so long since someone had looked at her the way Clarke was looking at her: like she was perfect, exactly as she was.  </p>
<p>She was still as Clarke set to measuring her again, this time not with a tape measure, but with her hands and her lips, and tears sprang to her eyes as Clarke traced the lines of her muscles, the ones that Costia had appreciated while at the same time resenting the amount of time and effort Lexa had to expend to keep them that way, and smiled like she had never seen anything more desirable, more amazing, more beautiful.  Clarke outlined her broad shoulders and stroked her strong thighs and kissed the callouses on her fingers and palms before placing them on her own breasts and leaning into the touch.  </p>
<p>"Mmm," Clarke murmured, and Lexa half-laughed, half-sobbed and pulled Clarke down to kiss her, wrapping her arms around her and deftly flipping them both so now she had the upper hand.  Two hands, and two lips, and one tongue... all of which she put to good use learning Clarke's curves, the places she was soft where Lexa was hard, and the strength underneath as she shifted and arched and pressed, silently asking – begging – for more, but Lexa refused to give in until she had made as thorough a survey of Clarke's dimensions as Clarke had made of hers.  </p>
<p>"Tell me," she whispered, her lips pressed to Clarke's sternum, looking up at her.  "Tell me what you imagined."</p>
<p>Clarke's eyes cracked open and she tilted her head to meet Lexa's gaze.  "I wouldn't have to tell you if you hadn't stopped me," she said.  "I would have shown you exactly—"</p>
<p>"You didn't imagine what I would do to – for you?" Lexa asked. </p>
<p>"Not until after I'd had my way with you," Clarke said, her mouth twitching and her eyes glinting, and something in Lexa shifted, and she surrendered to this girl who cared more about Lexa's pleasure than her own.</p>
<p>"I'm not stopping you now..."	</p>
<p>Clarke pushed up against Lexa, rolling them both onto their sides, and pushed up on her elbow to look down at her, tucking back a strand of Lexa's hair that had worked its way loose before pressing a kiss to her brow.  "<i>Le front</i>," she said, and then placed another kiss to the corner of Lexa's eye.  "<i>L'oeil</i>."  And another to <i>le nez</i>, <i>la joue</i>, <i>l'oreille</i> and Lexa laughed softly at the way her breath tickled, but the laugh was swallowed as Clarke reached <i>la bouche</i> before traveling down <i>le cou</i>, and down further, naming every part of her as she went, and Lexa hadn't taught her all of these words...</p>
<p>Her last coherent thought was that she very much doubted that Clarke had learned <i>that</i> in high school French class... but then all words were lost and it was only sensation – Clarke's fingers digging into her skin, the brush of silken strands of hair against her inner thighs, the flick and lap of her tongue and the suck of her lips and...</p>
<p>Her pleasure built slowly, almost painfully so, and it felt like she might never get there until it crashed over her all at once, like when you learned a new skill and didn't get it and didn't get it until suddenly you did, and she arched and writhed and clamped her arm over her face to keep from being heard by the party down the hall.  Tears in her eyes slid into the hair at her temples, and she reached down with a trembling hand to pull Clarke up, needing something – someone – to hold until she knew which way was up again.  </p>
<p>She could taste herself on Clarke's lips but she didn't mind because it meant Clarke was kissing her, and there was nothing better in the world just then than kissing and being kissed, wanting and being wanted, loving and—</p>
<p><i>Slow your roll,</i> she told herself.  <i>That's just the endorphins talking.</i></p>
<p>But even if it wasn't love, it was affection, intimacy, and for all that she was in close physical contact with others on a regular basis, there had been a lack of both lately that had left an ache in her that – at least for now – Clarke filled.  </p>
<p>When her breath and heart steadied a little, she nuzzled against Clarke's jaw.  "<i>Now</i> will you tell me?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Clarke's lips curved into a smile, or more accurately a smirk, and she took Lexa's hands and guided them again to her breasts.  "You start here..."  </p>
<p>And so she learned where and how Clarke liked to be touched, the rhythms and pulses of her, the way her breath caught when Lexa slid a finger over her clit and the way she moaned as she pressed inside her, how she liked her nipples sucked and how she completely unraveled when Lexa did the same between her legs, clenching around her in short spasms before clamping down both internally and on Lexa's free hand until she'd managed to knit her seams back together.</p>
<p>"Come back to my place," she said when she could talk again, her voice husky and tinged with the soft drawl that came with either extreme exhaustion or really good sex.  "Spend Christmas with me."  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't make her ask twice.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke's bed was a lot more comfortable than Lexa's, it turned out, and Lexa slept more deeply than she had since arriving in Montreal (although she suspected the series of orgasms she'd had the night before might have had as much to do with it as the plush mattress).  She woke early out of habit, but the warmth of Clarke's body beside her, her head resting against the back of Lexa's shoulder and an arm draped over her hip was enough to convince her to close her eyes again and let herself doze.  She woke again an hour later, and Clarke was still out.  Lexa shifted as carefully as she could, reaching for her phone.  </p>
<p>She switched over to the camera and held it out, trying to frame a picture of the two of them, because whatever the future might hold, this was a moment she never wanted to forget.  The soft shutter-click (a pretense, as there was obviously no shutter involved) was enough to make Clarke stir, and she cracked an eye.  "What're you doing?" she mumbled.  </p>
<p>"Taking a picture of the most beautiful gift I've ever been given," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Clarke snorted, then stuck out her lip.  "What about my painting?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"Hmm," Lexa said.  "Can I declare it a draw between the two of you?"</p>
<p>Clarke considered, then kissed Lexa softly.  "I'll allow it."  </p>
<p>They didn't get out of bed until their stomachs were growling, and Lexa realized that in their haste to get back to Clarke's place the night before, she'd neglected to pack anything to wear today.  Clarke went to a drawer and handed her some pajamas and retrieved an oversized hoodie from her closet.  "I wasn't planning on going anywhere today anyway," she said as she dressed herself in a similarly comfy ensemble.  </p>
<p>Lexa dressed and followed her out to the small kitchen, where Clarke got to work pulling pans and bowls from cupboards, and ingredients from the fridge and pantry.  Lexa watched as she began to assemble breakfast, her cheeks flushing because it was ridiculous to be turned on by watching someone cook, but there was something about the way Clarke moved with such assurance, stirring and pouring and flipping, that did things to Lexa's nether regions that she didn't plan to admit to if she could avoid it.</p>
<p>Her phone buzzed and she checked the screen.  Luna.</p>
<p><b>Luna:</b> Merry Christmas!</p>
<p><b>Lexa:</b> Merry Christmas!</p>
<p><b>Luna:</b> Did you have fun at the party last night?</p>
<p><b>Lexa:</b> More than I expected.</p>
<p><b>Luna:</b> Good.  Anything planned for today?  I hate to think of you spending Christmas alone.</p>
<p><b>Lexa:</b> I'm not alone.</p>
<p>She attached the picture of Clarke and hit send before she could second guess herself.  She probably should have asked Clarke first, but the picture wasn't even remotely risqué, and Luna wasn't the type to gossip.  </p>
<p><b>Luna:</b> 😱😍🤗</p>
<p>Lexa laughed, and Clarke turned to look at her.  "What's funny?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Lexa bit her lip, then leaned against the counter next to Clarke and showed her.  </p>
<p>Thankfully, Clarke just smiled.  "Thank you," she said.  </p>
<p>"For what?" </p>
<p>"For being here.  I was dreading spending the day alone."  Clarke looked at her, and behind the light in her eyes there was something darker, a sadness that ran too deep to be easily erased.  "Since my dad..."  She shook her head, choking on whatever else she might have been planning to say.  </p>
<p>Lexa wrapped her arms around her, holding her tight until the moment passed, and when Clarke sniffed and nodded and pulled away, signaling she was okay, Lexa found herself recruited as Clarke's sous chef, and soon after they were curled together on the couch with plates of eggs and mini cinnamon pancakes and yogurt and fresh berries, and Lexa didn't know if the food was really that good or if it was seasoned with hunger of several kinds, but as far as she was concerned, it ranked right up there with the crepes they'd shared on their first date.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Stay," Clarke said as they curled together that night, sleepy and sated.   </p>
<p>"I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight," Lexa assured her.  It had been by far the best Christmas she'd ever had, spent watching movies and cooking and talking – in English and French – about any and everything, and making love whenever (and wherever) the mood struck them.  </p>
<p>"Not just tonight," Clarke said.  "Tomorrow night, and the night after, and the one after that.  Stay for the break."  She pushed herself up, pressing Lexa down as she rolled half on top of her.  "We would end up meeting up every day anyway," she pointed out.  "My furniture is more comfortable, the food is better, and there's even a gym in the basement of the building.  I've never used it, but Raven has, and she says it's pretty good.  And <i>I'm</i> here."  Clarke brushed her lips against Lexa's.  "What more could you need?"</p>
<p>"Clothing," Lexa said.  "I need clothing."</p>
<p>"What for?" Clarke asked, and Lexa laughed.  </p>
<p>"We'll want to go out eventually," she said.  "To get more groceries if nothing else."  </p>
<p>Clarke heaved a sigh.  "Fine.  We'll go tomorrow to get you some clothes.  But after..."</p>
<p>"I'll stay," Lexa said.  "As long as you promise you'll let me know if I'm overstaying my welcome."</p>
<p>"Not possible," Clarke said.  "Not even a little."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa spent the week doing exactly what she knew she shouldn't: falling in love with Clarke Griffin.  She woke up in her arms and cooked meals by her side and went to museums where she cared less about the art itself and more about trying to see it through Clarke's eyes, and stared into those eyes across restaurant tables and bickered over who would pay the bill.  She went to the gym and Clarke went with her, not to work out but to sketch her body in motion, and she watched as Clarke translated those sketches to canvas... and on one memorable evening, they cranked the heat and laid a sheet on the living room floor and Lexa <i>became</i> the canvas, and the pictures Clarke took were beautiful, and the ones of the colors streaming down her skin as she washed them away somehow doubly so.</p>
<p>The irony was that the life they led that week was exactly the sort of domesticity and stability that Costia had craved and Lexa's heart had rebelled against.  The difference, she supposed, was that she knew it was temporary.  In a few days they would go back to work, and the time they had together would be whatever moments they could steal from Cirque for themselves.  But that was what they'd signed up for – both of them – and they didn't mind it...</p>
<p>... at least not yet.  Lexa tried not to think too much about the future, and the fact that in a few months the show would premier, and a few weeks after that she would pack up her life and move on to another city, another country, maybe another continent.  </p>
<p>But she couldn't let fear of the future spoil the present; that's what Costia had done, and it had left Lexa feeling stifled, suffocated, and looking for a way out.  She didn't feel like that with Clarke, even when they were doing mundane things like laundry, when it turned out that not all of the pigment had washed from Lexa's skin and they woke to color-streaked sheets.  With Clarke, everything felt bright and new and infused with life.  And maybe that's all it was – the newness – and eventually it would wear off, but Lexa thought – hoped – that maybe this time it wouldn't.  </p>
<p>She realized with a start that she hadn't wished Costia a merry Christmas, that she hadn't even thought to.  But Costia hadn't sent her anything either, so maybe that's just how it was now.  It hurt, a little, but not so much that Clarke couldn't kiss it and make it better.  </p>
<p>New Year's Eve came too quickly, and found them dancing in the streets at midnight, flush-cheeked and giddy, and that was where Lexa finally said it.  She could blame the champagne bubbling through her veins, but the truth was she'd been saying it all week, with her hands and with her lips, in bed and outside of it, in tiny gestures and grand ones, and finally she couldn't stop the words from slipping from her tongue.</p>
<p>"I love you," she said, the words barely a whisper, direct into Clarke's ear.</p>
<p>"<i>J'taime aussi,</i>" Clarke whispered back, and if there had been any lingering scraps of doubt in Lexa's mind or in her heart, the brush of Clarke's breath against her cheek blew them away.</p>
<p>They stumbled home and into bed, leaving a trail of clothing that started at the front door and ended tangled in the sheets with them, and Lexa's stomach ached with laughter and her heart felt near to bursting as they wrestled the blankets and each other, remembering and reminding one another everything they had learned since Christmas.  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't look at the clock when they finally collapsed, exhausted and elated.  She didn't look at anything but Clarke, until her lids grew too heavy to keep open.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Stay," Clarke said softly the next morning, tracing her fingers gently up and down Lexa's spine.  </p>
<p>"I can't," Lexa said.  "Your roommate—"</p>
<p>"Won't care," Clarke said.  </p>
<p>"You don't know that," Lexa said.  "But I need to go back.  I <i>want</i> to go back.  I don't want to leave you, but I want to be where everyone else is, near the gyms and studios."  Not that Clarke's place was far, but she'd chosen to live in the artists' residences instead of finding an apartment for a reason.  She wanted to be in the room where it happened, as it were.  She wanted the whole Cirque experience... and she wouldn't get that here.</p>
<p>"One more night?" Clarke asked.  "Raven doesn't get home until tomorrow."</p>
<p>"Neither does Luna."  Lexa relented.  "One more night."  </p>
<p>Which meant one more breakfast, one more trip to the gym, one more shower (together...), one more walk through the city to revisit things they'd seen and loved and catch a few things they'd missed, one more lunch, one more movie they barely paid attention to, one more dinner... and many more than one more kisses that more than once led them back to bed (although they didn't always make it that far).  </p>
<p>"Shh," Clarke whispered, when it was late and the only light crept in under the door and around the shades, and reality couldn't be denied any longer and tears dampened Lexa's cheeks.  "It just makes it harder.  It doesn't make it impossible."  </p>
<p>"I know," Lexa said.  "It's just... I'll miss you."</p>
<p>"How much?" Clarke asked, her tone teasing.  </p>
<p>"So much," Lexa said, already shifting to press her down into the sheets again.  </p>
<p>Clarke lips curved against Lexa's.  "Show me."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa left her door open as she settled back into her room, realizing that in all of their wandering, she'd never remembered to stop anywhere to get a hammer and nails.  She traced her fingers along the edge of the painting and over the lines that shaped her body, and shivered imagining Clarke doing the same thing.  </p>
<p>"What's what?" Luna asked, and Lexa whirled around, crashing into her and hugging her tight.  </p>
<p>Luna laughed, her lips trailing against Lexa's cheek as she pulled away.  "I'm happy to see you, too," she said.  "But it doesn't answer my question."</p>
<p>Lexa stuck out her tongue.  "Clarke gave it to me for Christmas."  </p>
<p>Luna took a step closer to look at the painting.  "No wonder you dropped your panties for her," she said.  "It's amazing."</p>
<p>"Gross, Luna," Lexa said, but she was laughing.  </p>
<p>Luna flopped down onto Lexa's bed and held out her arms, and Lexa nudged the door shut before cuddling up next to her, twining a curl around her finger and then letting it go.  "So you had a good week?" Luna asked.</p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  "I haven't felt like that in..."  She frowned.  "I don't know if I've ever felt like that.  Maybe in the early days with Costia."  She shook her head, not wanting to dig up the past when the future was so bright.  "What about you?  How was your break?"</p>
<p>Luna was quiet for long enough that Lexa's smile slipped away, replaced with concern.  "What happened?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Luna looked at her, sighed.  "He proposed."</p>
<p>Lexa sat up, jostling Luna.  "What?!  Why would he do that?"</p>
<p>Luna made a face.  "Presumably because he wants to marry me," she said dryly.  </p>
<p>"But you're not there," Lexa said.  "You're about to go on tour for <i>three years</i>."  </p>
<p>"That's why I said no."  Somehow, that was more startling than the fact that Derrick had proposed in the first place, and Lexa didn't know how to respond.  Luna looked at her, smiled weakly, shrugged.  "I told him if we made it through the tour, he could ask again then."</p>
<p>"Three years is a long time," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"And I'm only 22," Luna pointed out.  "That's young to be getting married by anyone's standards.  If we're still together in three years, if we've made it through three years of rarely seeing each other, I'll be 25, and it won't feel so crazy."  </p>
<p>"How did he take it?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>"Better than a lot of men would have," Luna said.  "He was disappointed, obviously, and a little hurt.  Whose ego wouldn't be bruised?  But he understood, I think.  If it's meant to be, it'll be.  If it's not..."  She shrugged again.  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded, sliding her arms around Luna again and pulling her close, settling them both back against the pillows.  "I told Clarke I love her," she said softly after a minute.  </p>
<p>"Of course you did," Luna said, looking up at her with a fond, if exasperated, smile. </p>
<p>"What does <i>that</i> mean?" Lexa demanded.  </p>
<p>"Just that you don't know how to do anything halfway."  Luna picked up a lock of Lexa's hair, twisted it into a brush and tickled it against her chin.  "It's just who – and how – you are.  What did she say?"</p>
<p>"'<i>J'taime aussi</i>,'" Lexa said.</p>
<p>"Still working on her French, then?" Luna asked.</p>
<p>"At this point <i>she's</i> taught <i>me</i> a thing or two..." Lexa said, her cheeks showing the faintest hint of pink.  </p>
<p>Luna laughed.  "I'm glad you're happy."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa said.  She curled her fingers around Luna's wrist, holding it gently, her thumb brushing over her pulse.  "Did you think about it?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"About saying yes?"  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  </p>
<p>"For a moment," Luna said.  "But it didn't feel right.  It felt... desperate.  Like a trap.  I don't think it was meant that way, but."  One shoulder lifted, fell.  "If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be knowing that they won't ever try to hold me back from living the life I've always dreamed of.  Anything else would feel... dishonest."</p>
<p>"That's why I told Clarke," Lexa said.  "We both know the obstacles.  We both know there's a chance it won't work out, even before we hit the road.  But to not say it when my heart had been screaming it since that first kiss... it felt like lying."</p>
<p>"I hope it does work out," Luna said.  "For what it's worth."  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't need to tell her that her opinion meant a hell of a lot.</p>
<hr/>
<p>That night Lexa struggled to sleep.  Part of it was butterflies about returning to work, like a watered-down version of her first day all over again.  She had some idea of what to expect now, but this was the circus.  There was always an element of surprise, and she couldn't assume that one day would be anything like the one before it, or the one that followed.  Part of it was the spartan nature of the room she lived in; she couldn't help thinking now that the accommodations, particularly the quality of the bed, left something to be desired.  She wasn't generally one to complain, but she wondered if there was someone's ear she might drop a suggestion that a higher quality mattress could go a long way toward improving rest and recuperation, and therefore performance.  </p>
<p>Mostly, though... mostly she missed Clarke.  The kisses, yes, and the sex... but mainly just the warmth and weight of her, her presence at Lexa's side even when they weren't touching (which was, admittedly, rarely).  She had the fleeting thought that perhaps she ought to have tried to pry herself away from her newfound lover a little more often during the break in anticipation of this moment, but she refused to regret a single second they'd spent in each other's company.</p>
<p>She knew she slept only because she woke up, the butterflies flapping in double-time now.  She got up and showered and made her bed, then gathered up a tousle-headed Luna for breakfast before heading to the main building to see what today would hold.  </p>
<p>She didn't see Clarke until that afternoon, and it was like two ships passing as she hurried to a dance session and Clarke bustled by with her arms full of what looked like towels.  The best they could manage was a quick, "<i>Bonjour, comment ça va?</i>" that they didn't have time for a proper answer to before their paths diverged again.  </p>
<p>Maybe it was better that way, Lexa realized.  They hadn't talked about whether they were going to go public with their relationship, and she hadn't paid attention to the official policy about relationships within the ranks, since at the time she'd been given the handbook with all the rules she'd been in a relationship and it wasn't a concern.  </p>
<p>When she came out of her session, though, there was a text message waiting for her.  </p>
<p><b>Clarke:</b> When are you done for the day?  Do you want to meet up?</p>
<p>Lexa quickly tapped out a reply:</p>
<p><b>Lexa:</b> Five... ish.  You know how it is.  <i>Bien sûr.</i>  </p>
<p>Clarke's reply was almost instantaneous.</p>
<p><b>Clarke:</b> See you then.  😘</p>
<p>Lexa's heart melted, but she didn't have time to reply before being snagged by the elbow by one of the performers and peppered with questions about how her break was in rapid-fire mix of accented English and French that her brain struggled to translate.  </p>
<p>Luckily her last session of the day was working with Luna and their coach on their routine, so she didn't spend the entire time sneaking glances at the clock.  By the time five o'clock rolled around, she was sweating and exhausted and her muscles felt like jelly, but their coach was pleased that neither of them had lost ground over the break.</p>
<p>"If I didn't know better, I would think you have been practicing!" he said, clapping Lexa on the back.  "You are very... in your body today.  Good good work."  He slapped her back again, and Lexa managed a slightly winded smile and hoped he would chalk up the redness of her cheeks to exertion.  </p>
<p>Luna smirked at her as they headed into the locker room to change, tugging the hair tie from her hair and setting it free, although it was rather more subdued when soaked with sweat.  "I think we know who to thank for that," she said.  "Are you meeting her?"</p>
<p>Lexa nodded, sucking down a few gulps of water before stuffing the bottle in her bag.  "I'm late."</p>
<p>"I'm sure she'll understand," Luna said.  "I'd like to meet her sometime."</p>
<p>"You've already met her," Lexa said.  "She took your costume measurements."</p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes.  "As your girlfriend."</p>
<p>"She's—"  Lexa stopped herself, swallowing the kneejerk denial of the relationship.  It had only been a week and they hadn't applied any labels, but if Clarke wasn't her girlfriend, what was she?  "You will," she said.  "But not today?"</p>
<p>"Not today," Luna agreed.  When Lexa didn't immediately get up and leave, she raised an eyebrow.  "Well?  Don't keep her waiting!"  </p>
<p>Lexa finished changing back into street clothes and rushed to the lobby, nearly colliding with Clarke as she hurried in from the opposite direction.  "Sorry I'm—" </p>
<p>"I got caught up in—"</p>
<p>They both stopped, laughed.  "I guess we can't be late if we arrive at the same time," Lexa said, "regardless of what that time is."  </p>
<p>Clarke smiled.  "I guess not.  Hungry?"</p>
<p>"Always."</p>
<p>"My place?"  Clarke suggested.  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded, then immediately second-guessed herself.  What if someone saw and said something?  But plenty of people had seen them at the Christmas party, kissing under the mistletoe, and then they'd disappeared together not to be seen again until today.  It didn't take a genius to do that math.  </p>
<p>"I'll cook," Clarke said.  "We don't have to—"</p>
<p>"I want to," Lexa said.  "I just—"</p>
<p>Clarke stiffened like she was bracing herself for a letdown she'd already – maybe always – known was coming, and Lexa's heart broke, aching shards cutting into the surrounding tissue and lodging in her breastbone.  "Never mind," Clarke said, lifting her chin.  "We can go wherever you want."</p>
<p>Lexa seized her hand, brought it to her lips, kissed her fingertips and placed them over her heart.  "I want to go wherever you are," she said.  "For as long as I'm able."</p>
<p>Clarke's eyes flicked from Lexa's chest to her eyes, searching them for... Lexa wasn't sure what.  Some sign that she could trust her, or maybe a sign that she couldn't.  There was a wariness there Lexa hadn't seen before, and anger flared in her belly for whoever had hurt Clarke in the past and opened a wound in her that allowed doubt to creep in.  Finally, though, she nodded, and they left the building hand-in-hand, prying eyes and inquiring minds be damned.</p>
<hr/>
<p>In her haste to get to Clarke, Lexa had made the decision to skip taking a shower before putting on her street clothes, opting to just towel herself off instead.  As she shrugged off her coat at Clarke's apartment and caught a whiff of stale sweat, she regretted that choice.  She mentally inventoried the contents of her gym bag, coming to the unfortunate conclusion that she didn't have enough to change into without looking like a clown (who was missing a few key undergarments).  </p>
<p>"What's wrong?" Clarke asked.  </p>
<p>"Just wishing I'd put on more deodorant," Lexa say wryly.  </p>
<p>"You can shower," Clarke said.  "You know where everything is."</p>
<p>Both of their cheeks flushed faintly at the statement.  Lexa felt warmth spreading through other parts of her as well, but there was no way she would subject Clarke to the reality of her post-workout unwashed self.  "I don't have anything to change into," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"You can borrow anything you need," Clarke said.  They weren't the same size, but they were close enough they might be able to get away with it, at least for some things.  "You also left a few things here," she said.  "They got mixed up with my laundry."</p>
<p>"Oh," Lexa said.  "I'm—"</p>
<p>"Don't say you're sorry," Clarke said, "because I'm not."  She slipped her arms around Lexa's waist, drawing their bodies together, and the minute Clarke's mouth met hers her resolve began to crumble.  </p>
<p>"You could come with me," Lexa suggested, her voice gone thick with desire.  </p>
<p>"Tempting," Clarke said, planting a line of kisses along Lexa's jaw, making her shiver as she reached her earlobe.  "Very tempting.  But someone needs to start dinner, and Raven could be home any minute."</p>
<p>Lexa heaved a sigh but didn't argue.  It was probably better for her to have a clear head as well as a clean body before potentially facing Clarke's roommate, who she knew also worked for Cirque in some sort of technical role, but who she'd never met.  She stole one last, lingering kiss, then grabbed a pair of clean underwear from the top of Clarke's dresser where she'd neatly folded the things Lexa had accidentally left behind.  </p>
<p>When she got out of the shower, the apartment smelled delicious.  She dressed quickly, forgoing a bra because all she had was sports bras and she didn't feel like trying to wrestle one on over damp skin.  She padded out to the kitchen and slid her arms around Clarke, nuzzling through her hair to get to her neck.  </p>
<p>"And so the lovebird's mate comes home to roost," a voice said, and Lexa nearly jumped out of her skin.  She <i>did</i> jump away from Clarke, whirling around to identify the speaker.  </p>
<p>"Lexa, meet Raven," Clarke said dryly, but Lexa could hear the faintest hint of laughter in her voice, and she felt her face twisting into a scowl.  "Raven, Lexa."  </p>
<p>Raven cackled like her namesake, pushing herself up on the couch and extending her hand over the back.  "Didn't mean to startle you," she said, in a tone that implied the opposite.  "Cyr wheel, right?"</p>
<p>Lexa took the offered hand and shook it.  "Yes," she said, surprised and not surprised that Raven already knew who she was.  The performers were the face of Cirque, so it made sense that people involved with the production would know them and their associated acts, even if the performers had never met them before.  Lexa thought she might have seen Raven's face once or twice before, but only brief glimpses in passing, nothing that stuck out in her memory.  Which she guessed was the point of being one of the people in black – no one was supposed to notice or remember you.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I don't know what you do."</p>
<p>"I'm an engineer," Raven said.  "I help out wherever I'm needed."  She flopped back down on the couch with a groan.  "Lighting, pyrotechnics, hydrotechnics..." </p>
<p>"Hydrotechnics?" Lexa asked.  She could piece together the meaning of the word but didn't know how it related to the show.  Maybe Raven had worked on other shows before this one, although she didn't look like she could be much older than Lexa or Clarke, and they were both fresh out of school.  </p>
<p>"You'll see," Raven said, with a smirk that set Lexa just a little on edge.  "Anyway, jack of all trades, master of five or six of them."  She flashed a grin and a wink.  </p>
<p>Lexa smiled back, her irritation dissolving.  "I guess that's what we all need to be," she said. </p>
<p>"There's room for people who specialize in only one thing," Raven said, her eyes flicking to Clarke.  "But yeah, to survive in Cirque you'd better get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Especially at this stage in the game."</p>
<p>"Considering my main act is an apparatus I'd never interacted with before showing up, I've had a crash course in that," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Really?" Clarke asked, looking away from the pan she'd been stirring.  "You look—"  She stopped, her teeth digging into her lower lip.  "I wasn't spying," she said.  "I was trying to get an idea of what kind of movement your costume needed to allow for.  Not that that's my job, but—"</p>
<p>"But The More You Know, and Knowing is half the battle, etcetera," Raven filled in.  "Anyway, who can blame you for wanting to catch a glimpse of your girlfriend in action?  All those rippling muscles and spandex and cheekbones..."  She was grinning again.  "Oh wait, cheekbones is the other one."</p>
<p>"The other... Luna?" Lexa asked.  "Or Anya?"  Who was also part of their act, although mostly worked separately from them since she would be on trapeze, flying above them while she and Luna stayed grounded.  </p>
<p>"Either or," Raven said.  "Or both.  Both is good."  She waggled her eyebrows.  </p>
<p>"Ignore her," Clarke said, holding out a hand – and a spoon – to Lexa.  "Pay attention to me."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Good, good!" their coach called.  "Yes, ladies, that is good, that is excellent!  Yes!"  </p>
<p>Lexa looked over at Luna, her face splitting in a grin even as her chest heaved, trying to catch her breath.  She could see her own excitement echoed in her partner's face.  They weren't used to such effusive praise – there was always something that could be worked on, always some way to improve – so it felt good.  Really good.  Especially now, when they were all really starting to feel the crunch as opening night approached.</p>
<p>It had been a few weeks, and they'd been pushed harder than ever as everyone scrambled to turn elements into acts, and acts into a show.  But today's practice had been good.  No, better than good.  Today's practice had been great, excellent, probably the best they'd ever had.  They'd nailed all their elements, hit all their marks, moving in synch like they were one body split in two.  </p>
<p>Their coach grabbed them each by a shoulder and pulled them into an awkward embrace, since they were both still clutching giant metal wheels in their hands.  "I think you are finally ready for the last element."</p>
<p>
  <i>Wait, what?</i>
</p>
<p>Again, she could see her feelings mirrored in Luna's face.  Another element?  They expected the routine would be tweaked over the next few weeks and months to make it the best it could possibly be, but an entire element they hadn't learned yet being added after they'd thought it was more-or-less finished...</p>
<p>Well, this was Cirque.  Expect the unexpected.  </p>
<p>Maybe he only meant they were finally going to start integrating their routine with Anya's, turning what thus far had been two separate routines into a single act.  </p>
<p>"Come," he said, motioning them to follow, looking as excited as a kid on Christmas.  "This way.  Bring wheels."  </p>
<p>It was only then that Lexa realized she'd been gripping the metal ring so tightly her fingers had started to go numb.  She propped it against her body and shook her hand out, then picked it up and followed, shooting another look at Luna as they followed their coach out of the gym.  Luna shrugged and shook her head.  She didn't know either.  </p>
<p>Whatever it was, it would be fine.  Whatever it was, they would roll with it.  Literally.  </p>
<p>She snorted at the thought, and Luna glanced over at her.  She didn't have to say a word for Lexa to hear her question: 'What's so funny?'</p>
<p>'Nothing,' Lexa thought back at her, still fighting a smile that was more the product of nerves than true amusement.  </p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes, her shoulder bumping Lexa's as they walked barefoot over chilly floors, down the hall to another practice gym.  This one had an actual stage built in it, several feet off the ground, which appeared to be made of some kind of grating, and there was rigging around and above it, and in one corner a giant tank that connected to pipes which...</p>
<p>"<i>Voila!</i>" their coach said, spreading his arms wide, as if seeing it made it all made sense.  But it made less sense than ever, and it must have shown on their faces because his smile just widened.  "Wait for it..." he said.  </p>
<p>Lexa instinctively reached for Luna's hand, a habit shaped over years and years of watching performances with wide-eyed wonder, dreaming of one day being in the spotlight instead of sitting in stands.  Luna's fingers twined with hers, their palms pressing together, and Lexa was relieved to know she wasn't the only one sweating this.  </p>
<p>"Sorry," a voice called from the shadows near the tank.  "Technical difficulties.  Just a sec!"  It took a second for Lexa to place the voice as Raven's.  Knowing who it was under other circumstances might have been comforting, but for some reason knowing Clarke's roommate, who seemed to operate in a constant state of barely controlled chaos, a genius who was forever treading the fine line between brilliance and a complete meltdown, only tied her stomach in knots.  </p>
<p>There was a thump, and a hiss, and then... water.  Pouring down onto the stage and disappearing through the grating, where it would be – Lexa assumed anyway – pumped back to the tank to be recycled back through.  It was a deluge, carefully contained, and she couldn't deny it was impressive, but what did it have to do with them?</p>
<p>"Well?" he asked.  "What you are waiting for?  Go!  Get up there!"</p>
<p><i>Get up...?</i>  Oh no.  No no no.  They were supposed to <i>perform</i> in that?  How the hell were they going to control giant metal hoops with water pouring down on them?  How were they going to maintain any kind of traction on a stage slick with rain?  </p>
<p>Luna squeezed her hand, hard, and Lexa looked over at her.  </p>
<p>
  <i>Are we doing this?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Do we have a choice?</i>
</p>
<p>They climbed the steps up to the stage, lugging their apparatus with them, and the rain suddenly stopped.  And started again.  And stopped again.  "Sorry!" Raven called, poking her head out.  "Still working out some kinks.  Let me know when you want it to go.  Oh, hey Lexa!"  </p>
<p>Lexa swallowed, trying to work up enough saliva to force words out of a mouth gone suddenly dry.  She'd forgotten about Raven's cryptic little, 'You'll see,' when she'd mentioned hydrotechnics.  Clearly she'd known something Lexa didn't even then.</p>
<p>"Take your marks," their coach said, waving them forward.  Lexa looked around, trying to orient herself.  The area of the stage had been marked out on their practice space for some time, and after a slow, steadying breath, she found her starting place on it and tried to ignore the fact that she was standing directly in a puddle.  </p>
<p>Their coach called out a count – the music they would perform to still wasn't finalized – and they began the routine that only moments before they'd executed flawlessly.  But something – everything – felt off.  Lexa was tense, bracing herself for the moment the water hit her, and acutely aware of the drop-off at the edge of the stage.  It was only a few feet, but if she went over them wrong...</p>
<p>"Relax!" Coach called.  "You can do this!"</p>
<p>Lexa gave a quick nod while Luna rolled through one of her solo elements, and then pushed off and leaned in, letting momentum and gravity and muscle memory carry her.  They went through the routine once just to get used to the new space, then repositioned themselves to start again.  Lexa told herself to breathe, that it would be fine, that they wouldn't have them do this if it wasn't safe, if they hadn't already accounted for all of the possible ways it could go wrong.  </p>
<p>But she knew it wasn't true.  As far as she knew, this was a Cirque first – there wasn't anything like this even in O, which was based around water.  There was no way to account for everything.  That was the whole point of rehearsal – to identify what worked and what didn't and to find ways to resolve it.  </p>
<p>Still, they would have considered <i>most</i> of the safety factors.  She just had to trust them and trust herself.  </p>
<p>She tried to lose herself in the rhythms and movements that had become so familiar, and although she heard Coach calling a cue, it wasn't to her so she just kept going...</p>
<p>... straight into a wall of water.  It wasn't cold, but the shock of it still sucked the breath from her lungs, and she stumbled to a stop.  Beside her, Luna had also skidded to a halt, and they stood their gasping like fish out of water, strands of loose hair plastered to their faces.  </p>
<p>The roar of the water stopped, and the gym was filled with the sounds of laughter and applause.  "Your faces!" Coach crowed.  "Oh, they are priceless!"  </p>
<p>Lexa tried not to scowl, but it was hard to do when she was soaking wet.  She didn't even mind the new element so much, but the fact that they thought it was okay to just spring it on them...  She yanked the elastic from her hair and tied it back more securely as she returned to her mark at her coach's command, and they began again.  And again.  And again.  </p>
<p>With each restart, the crowd of onlookers in the gym grew, and so did Lexa's frustration.  It was all part of the process, she knew, but did the entire production need to be witness to their being reduced from people who more-or-less knew their shit to rank amateurs all over again?  They slipped and slid, and Lexa's confidence wavered as they hit the most difficult part of the routine.  But it was when one held back, when one didn't commit, that accidents were more likely to happen.  That's what she'd always been told, anyway.  Better to fail spectacularly than to not try.  </p>
<p>And maybe she wouldn't fail.</p>
<p>She launched herself into the next element, and for a moment her confidence exploded, because she was doing it, it was fine, she was showing herself, showing all of them—</p>
<p>And then the wheel slipped.  Both of her feet were off the ground, and the wheel skidded out from under her, and she tried to get her feet under her but gravity was faster, and she hit the stage with a thud that drove the air from her lungs, and she had a split-second to wonder where the wheel had gone before it crashed down on the back of her head and the world went black.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Lexa?  Lexa!"  </p>
<p>Lexa groaned and attempted to move, but hands held her down, kept her pressed where she was with her face in a puddle of water.  "What—"  But then she remembered, and she sucked in a breath that thankfully didn't introduce any of the water into her lungs.  "Fuck."  She tried again to push herself up.</p>
<p>"Don't move," Luna said.  "You shouldn't move.  The medics are coming.  You're okay."</p>
<p>"If I'm okay," Lexa grumbled, "why am I not allowed to move?"</p>
<p>Luna laughed, a slightly hysterical sound.  "At least your sense of humor's intact," she said, finding Lexa's hand and gripping it.  </p>
<p>"None of this is funny," Lexa growled.  "They thought they could just—"</p>
<p>"Shh," Luna said.  "I know.  They do too.  Now.  We'll figure something out.  But you don't have to worry about that now.  You just need to—"  She was cut off by the arrival of the medics and pushed back, and Lexa blinked furiously at the wash of tears that burned her eyes as she was bombarded with questions in more than one language.  </p>
<p>"No," she said, when they tried to strap a collar on her.  "No, I'm fine.  <i>Je vais bien.</i>  I didn't fall on my neck.  The wheel hit me and I guess I blacked out a little, but this is all overkill."</p>
<p>"Better safe than sorry," one of the medics replied in accented English.  "You should get checked.  It could be a concussion." </p>
<p>"No," Lexa said, more weakly this time.  She knew they were right, but she didn't want to be strapped down and bundled off to the emergency room in still-soaking clothes.  She didn't want to spend the evening waiting on tests and images and scans.  She didn't want to be cold and shivering and alone while she waited to be told if any lasting damage had been done.  It had just been a little accident, a little slip.  Nothing to worry about.  No big deal.  All this fuss was unnecessary.  </p>
<p>But if she didn't go along with it, they might not let her practice tomorrow.  They weren't going to take any chances... at least not now that their first gamble hadn't paid off.  </p>
<p>"Can I at least put on dry clothes?" she asked, swallowing the lump in her throat.  "Please?"  </p>
<p>The medics looked at each other, muttering in rapid-fire French Lexa couldn't decipher.  "Okay," the one who appeared to be in charge said.  "Go ahead."  </p>
<p>She was allowed to sit up, and then – slowly – to stand, and Luna slid herself under Lexa's arm, propping her up even though her legs were fine.  She wasn’t even dizzy, although the goose egg on the back of her skull throbbed.  They hobbled to the locker room... and Lexa found herself furiously blinking back tears again when she was greeted by Clarke's worried eyes above a giant towel still warm from the dryer.  </p>
<p>Clarke wrapped it, and her arms, around Lexa, and Lexa tucked her face into the crook of Clarke's neck and let the tears flow.  "You're... here," she hiccupped.  "How did you... know?"</p>
<p>"I saw," Clarke said, her own voice sounding thick and choked.  "Word spread that someone was trying something new, something exciting, and we all took a break, went down to watch.  I saw—"  Her voice broke, and Lexa felt hot tears that weren't her own against her skin.  </p>
<p>"She's okay," Luna said.  "She'll be okay."  But there was an edge of concern in her voice, and tension rolled off her in waves.  "They aren't going to wait long before coming in to check on you."</p>
<p>Lexa sighed, nodded, but stayed wrapped in Clarke's arms for a moment longer before toweling herself off and putting on the dry clothes she was handed.  They must have come from her locker, but she hadn't opened it.  Then again, she was using the same combination lock she'd always used, and it was more than possible she'd given Luna the combination at some point and she'd never forgotten.  </p>
<p>"Will you come?" she asked, her eyes flicking from Clarke to Luna and back again.  </p>
<p>"Of course," they said, almost as one, and looked at each other with expressions Lexa couldn't read, and didn't have time or energy to worry about.  She'd never gotten around to arranging a time for them to properly meet; things had gotten too hectic for all of them after the break, and what little time she'd managed to grab with Clarke she'd hoarded for herself.  </p>
<p>"Clarke, Luna.  Luna, Clarke," she said.  </p>
<p>"We know," Clarke said, smoothing the hair at Lexa's temple.  </p>
<p>"It's nice to meet you," Luna said.  "I wish it was under better circumstances."  </p>
<p>"Me too," Clarke said, finally managing a hint of a smile.  "We should go."  When Lexa stiffened, she pressed a kiss to her forehead.  "With you," she reassured her.  "We should all go.  The sooner we do, the sooner we get to go home."  </p>
<p>The medics shuffled her – and at her insistence Luna and Clarke – into one of the company vans, and they headed to the hospital to get her checked out.  It wasn't far, and they quickly got her checked in.  Lexa found herself shivering even though she'd dried off – her hair was still dripping and it seemed like hospitals were always cold – and her best friend pressed closer on one side and her girlfriend on the other, holding her hands.  </p>
<p>"You're okay," Clarke told her, but Lexa wondered who she was really trying to reassure.  She tipped her head and let it rest on Clarke's shoulder, and Clarke turned to brush her lips against Lexa's hair, letting them linger so Lexa felt her breath gusting against her skin.</p>
<p>"Alexandria Woods?" a nurse called.  </p>
<p>"That's me," Lexa said, trying to stand, but her companions had her pinned.  "Can they...?"</p>
<p>"Only family," the nurse said, and for a moment Lexa thought about telling her they <i>were</i> her family, but her head hurt and arguing wouldn't get her out of here any quicker.  So she sighed and nodded, squeezing Clarke and Luna's hands before extricating herself from their embrace and standing.  She followed the nurse back to an exam room, where she was forced to answer what seemed like a hundred questions about her medical history, what had happened, her current symptoms, etcetera, before the doctor even came in to examine her.  He poked and prodded at the bump on her head, setting it throbbing all over again, then gave a quick order in French, and Lexa was put in a wheelchair and taken to have her head scanned for any signs of concussion.</p>
<p>Hours passed, or at least it felt that way, and Lexa sat and fidgeted, wishing she had someone to talk to, or at least her phone so she could text, but focusing on tiny letters on a screen probably wouldn't do her head any favors anyway.  Finally the doctor came back, flashing a smile and a thumbs up, telling her that she was lucky because there was no concussion, before rattling off a list of instructions she only half-caught because her knowledge of French didn't extend into medical jargon.  She hoped it would all be in her discharge paperwork.</p>
<p>"Wait," she said when he turned to leave.  "What about work?"</p>
<p>He frowned and shook his head.  "Not for a week.  To be safe."</p>
<p>"I can't—"  A week was a long time at this stage in the game.  A very long time.  Long enough that they might decide she wouldn't be able to make up for lost time and cut the act, or cut her from it, or—  "I can't not rehearse for a week," she said.  "It's not an option."</p>
<p>The doctor sighed, looking caught somewhere between frustration and resignation.  Somehow Lexa got the feeling she wasn't the first Cirque performer he'd tended.  "If you go back, you cannot do anything that will risk reinjury," he said.  "You must be very careful.  If you get hit again in the head..."  He let it trail off, but Lexa could fill in the blank.  She'd gotten lucky once.  She wasn't likely to do so a second time.  </p>
<p>"Okay," she said.  There were obviously still kinks that needed to be worked out with the act and the water, and maybe it would take a week to do that anyway.  She could still go to dance classes and movement sessions.  She could still work out and keep herself strong and toned so when she was cleared to get back on stage she was ready to prove she still deserved a place there.</p>
<p>"<i>Bonne chance,</i>" the doctor said, and sent her to the desk to check out.  </p>
<p>Clarke was out of her seat as soon as she emerged, and Lexa held out an arm and let Clarke tuck herself under it.  She gathered the packet of papers she was handed and thanked the nurses, then followed the medics back out to the van.  </p>
<p>"Do you think we can get them to drop us at my place?" Clarke asked.  </p>
<p>"We can ask," Lexa said.  She leaned forward, switching to French to ask if they were required to take her back to headquarters or if they could take her home.  They wouldn't know – probably – that she lived in the artists' residences.  They made a quick call to Lexa wasn't sure who, and got the okay to drive her home, as long as she brought all of her paperwork in the next morning.  Nearly everyone had gone home for the night anyway.</p>
<p>"What about—" Luna started to ask, then stopped herself.  </p>
<p>"What about what?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>"Never mind," Luna said.  "I'll get a cab, or walk if it's not too far."</p>
<p>"Oh," Clarke said.  "Did you not want to come over?  You're welcome."</p>
<p>Luna glanced at Lexa, who gave her a quick nod that tugged at the knot on her head and made her wince.  Luna grimaced in empathy.  "Thank you," she said to Clarke.  </p>
<p>So when they pulled up in front of Clarke's building they all climbed out, gathering their bags—and Clarke realized only then that she had left her purse – and jacket and everything else – back in the costume shop.  Which meant she didn't have her keys.  She did have her phone, at least, and texted Raven.</p>
<p>A minute later the door buzzed, letting them in, and they made their way up the stairs like some kind of six-legged monster, because neither Luna nor Clarke seemed inclined to allow her to climb them independently.  </p>
<p>"You're lucky I'm home," Raven said.  "After you left, things got a little shouty, but nothing that was going to get resolved tonight so I got the hell out of Dodge while I still could.  It wasn't the water's fault you—"  She stopped.  "Shit, Lexa, I'm an asshole.  How are you?  Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"Big bump, head hurts like hell, no concussion," Lexa said.  "And it 100% <i>was</i> the water's fault, but not the mechanical part of it.  Just the whole combination of stage plus water plus metal plus gravity."  </p>
<p>"Yeah," Raven said.  "Trust me, we'll be working on that."</p>
<p>"Come on, babe," Clarke said.  "Let's get you settled."  She led Lexa to the couch and fussed with the throw pillows, arranging them to make a little nest.  Lexa settled against them with a sigh, wishing it was Clarke she was being held by and not half a dozen lumpy cushions.  "Do you need anything?" Clarke asked.  "Water?  Food?  You must be hungry.  It's late.  Let me—"</p>
<p>Lexa reached out and grabbed her wrist before she could dart off, stroking her thumb over Clarke's pulse, which thrummed faster and harder than it should have.  Clarke looked down at her, and Lexa smiled, drawing her in.  "Slow down," she said gently.  "The only thing I need right now is you."</p>
<p>Clarke shook her head, and when Lexa tried to pull her closer she stiffened.  "I can't," Clarke said softly.  "If I slow down, if I stop..."  She shook her head again, her throat working.  "Not yet.  Please?"</p>
<p>Lexa relented.  She understood, or thought she did.  If Clarke gave herself even a moment to think or feel, it would all come crashing in and she wouldn't be able to keep going.  That moment would come, but not right now.  Not while they had an audience.  "Some water would be great," she said.  "And I'm starving."  Or nauseous.  She honestly wasn't sure which.  But she knew Clarke and Luna had to be hungry; it was long past dinner time.</p>
<p>Clarke went to get her a glass of water while Raven rifled through the drawer of menus.  "Where do you want to order from?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"Why order?" Luna asked.  "I can cook."</p>
<p>"Yeah... good luck with that," Raven said.  She opened the fridge to reveal that they had clearly been too busy to stock it recently.  She fanned the menus out and extended them to Luna.  "Pick a card, any card."</p>
<p>Luna picked a menu and they ordered dinner, then settled in to watch something on TV that Lexa barely paid attention to.  The painkiller they had given her at the hospital, while not that strong (and maybe not strong enough), made her a little dopey, and she struggled to keep her eyes open.  </p>
<p>She jerked awake when Raven announced the food had arrived.  Lexa sat up groggily, and Clarke hastily rearranged the pillows behind her so she was more upright.  Lexa flashed a grateful smile and dug in to her dinner straight out of the container.  She could practically feel it absorbing into her body, boosting her blood sugar and pushing back some of the cobwebs in her brain.  She sighed and rolled her neck, wincing a little as the lump on her head compressed.  </p>
<p>When she was done eating, Luna cleared it away, opening and closing cupboards until she found where they kept their Tupperware.  </p>
<p>"Make yourself at home, why don't you?" Raven called, her tone teasing.  </p>
<p>"I will, thanks," Luna said.  "Does anyone need anything while I'm up?"</p>
<p>"More water?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>"Got it," Luna said, coming over to grab Lexa's glass.</p>
<p>"I could have gotten it," Clarke said.  "You only had to ask."</p>
<p>"She's up," Lexa said.  "And you don't have to wait on me.  I'm not incapacitated."</p>
<p>"I'm not waiting on you," Clarke said.  "I'm taking care of you.  There's a difference."  Her face creased into a scowl.  "You would do the same for me if the situation was reversed."  </p>
<p>"No she wouldn't," Luna said, returning with Lexa's glass of water.  "She would be so much worse."  </p>
<p>Lexa stuck her tongue out at her friend, and Luna grinned, rubbing her knuckles very gently against the top of Lexa's head where she knew the injury wasn't.  "You know you would be," Luna said.  "One prick of a needle to your finger and she'll be tending you like you're Sleeping Beauty."</p>
<p>"As long as she's not Prince Not-So-Charming," Raven said.  "You know how that story <i>really</i> goes, right?"</p>
<p>"It varies from version to version," Luna said, "but yes, I know how the story goes."  She turned back to Clarke.  "Since she's not doing it, I'll say thank you on Lexa's behalf, for taking care of her.  Someone needs to."  </p>
<p>Lexa stuck her tongue out again, then held out her arms to Clarke, not content until Clarke had settled into them.  "Thank you," she whispered, her lips brushing her ear.  "I love you."</p>
<p>"Love you too," Clarke said, her voice a little raspy, lacing her fingers through Lexa's and squeezing hard.  </p>
<p>When it came time for bed (not very much later – it had been a long day) Lexa was once again grateful for the small stock of clothing that had made its way into Clarke's laundry, because it meant she had pajamas waiting for her to snuggle into.  She brushed her teeth and washed her face, and poked gingerly at the bruise on the back of her skull, which it turned out still hurt.  A lot.  </p>
<p>"Dumbass," she said to her reflection, and finished getting ready for bed.  </p>
<p>Once the lights were out, Clarke crawled in next to her, straight into her arms, pressing herself close and holding tight.  Lexa could feel her trembling, and turned so they were a little closer to face-to-face, or would be if Clarke's face wasn't buried in the side of her neck.  She rubbed her back and stroked her hair and murmured soft reassurances in a mix of English and French as she felt tears soak into her collar.  </p>
<p>Clarke finally pulled away, sniffing and reaching for a tissue to blot her eyes and wipe her nose.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I know I'm being ridiculous.  I just—"  She swallowed hard.  "I know we haven't known each other that long, but when you fell, when you didn't get up..."  Clarke sucked in a shuddering breath.  "I love you, Lexa.  I <i>love</i> you.  I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about anyone before, and never this quickly, and—"  She rested her forehead against Lexa's, the tips of their noses brushing as bone rocked against bone.  "I got scared.  I'm still scared.  I don't want to lose you..."</p>
<p><i>You won't,</i> Lexa wanted to say.  <i>I'm not going anywhere.</i></p>
<p>But she was, and Clarke would, and somehow Lexa had failed to consider the fact that this relationship had an expiration date on it from the moment it began.  Every day they got closer to the premier, and that was thrilling and terrifying in roughly equal measure.  But along with that, every day brought them closer to the day she would pack and leave, and Clarke... wouldn't.  Would she?  <i>Could</i> she?  Surely they had to have people on the road with them to take care of the costumes... but Clarke was as new to the company as Lexa was, and they would probably want someone seasoned, someone who knew the ropes and—</p>
<p>She pulled Clarke closer, pressing their mouths together because it was the only thing she could think of to do, and it didn't solve anything, but it gave them another point of connection in the moment.  It was all Lexa had to offer: momentary solace against the great gaping unknown of the future.  Their future.  </p>
<p>Clarke pushed against her, sinking her fingers into Lexa's hair.  Lexa flinched, even though it didn't hurt – yet – and Clarke froze.  "I don't want to hurt you," she whispered.  </p>
<p>"I don't want to hurt you either," Lexa whispered back, and they were talking about very different things, but they understood each other perfectly.  </p>
<p>So they took it gentle, and they took it slow, and Clarke fell asleep with Lexa's heartbeat for a lullaby, and Lexa's last thought before darkness claimed her for the second time that day was that she didn't want this night to ever end.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa woke up with her head still aching dully and swallowed several ibuprofen with a gulp of water before getting out of bed.  Clarke emerged from the bathroom as Lexa opened the door and claimed a quick kiss.  "I tried not to wake you," she said.  "I know you need sleep."</p>
<p>"I got plenty," Lexa said, fighting back a yawn, and Clarke laughed.  </p>
<p>"How are you feeling?" Clarke asked.  "How's your head?"</p>
<p>"Still hurts," Lexa said.  She reached for the back of her head, but Clarke caught her hand, giving her a stern look.</p>
<p>"Don't poke at it," she said.  "I'm sure it's still there.  You don't need to poke it to confirm."</p>
<p>Lexa pouted, which got her another kiss, so she kept it up until Clarke rolled her eyes and headed for the kitchen.  "We don't have much," she said, "but I can probably manage to cobble together a reasonably nutritious breakfast."</p>
<p>"How can I help?" Lexa asked, and when Clarke said she could sit and rest, she made enough of a pest of herself that Clarke finally gave her some strawberries to cut up just so Lexa would stop distracting her.  </p>
<p>"I'm glad to see you're feeling better," Clarke said.  "Really."</p>
<p>"You must have a magic touch," Lexa said.  And hell, maybe Clarke did.  Endorphins were a hell of a drug.  There was still a kernel of darkness that had lodged itself in her head, threatening to travel down and poison her heart, but Lexa tried to wall it in, contain it until she was forced to face it, and enjoy what she had for as long as she had it.  </p>
<p>Clarke just rolled her eyes.  "Go on," she said, gesturing to the berries.  "If we don't finish and eat before the others get up, we'll be stuck cooking for them, too."  </p>
<p>The same thought struck them both: Where was Luna?  There were only two bedrooms, only two beds... and Luna wasn't on the couch.  Had she gone home?  She didn't have anything to sleep in here, or anything to change into for today, so maybe she had.  Lexa looked around, thinking she might find a note, but there was nothing.  She checked her phone, but she didn't have any texts, either.  </p>
<p>A moment later they got their answer when Luna emerged from Raven's room, quietly closing the door behind her.  She was wearing clothing Lexa didn't recognize, and her hair was a tousled mess... but neither of those things meant anything, necessarily.  Luna always had epic bedhead, and Raven could have lent her something to sleep in.  Even the fact that she'd slept in Raven's room wasn't necessarily significant.  Raven might just have a big bed she was willing to share.</p>
<p>But there was something about the way Luna moved, loose-limbed and graceful, that made Lexa think there had been more going on than just sleeping.  Her stomach squirmed, thinking of Derrick, but Luna had always marched to the beat of her own drummer – it was one of the things Lexa loved about her – and it was entirely possible they had an open relationship.  Lexa didn't ask.  It was none of her business, and if Luna wanted her to know, she would tell her.  </p>
<p>The bathroom door clicked shut behind her, and Raven came limping out of her room not long after.  "Ooh, breakfast," she said, snatching the piece of toast Clarke had just buttered from the plate and cramming half of it into her mouth.  "Thanks."</p>
<p>Clarke swatted at her.  "I thought you were angling for Cheekbones," she said.  </p>
<p>Raven smirked.  "I can do both.  Both is good.</p>
<p>Lexa bristled, but Luna wouldn't thank her for fighting her battles... especially when she didn't know if they were battles that needed to be fought.  She just cut the strawberries a little more pointedly instead, pointing the tip of the knife at Raven when she reached out to steal one.  </p>
<p>Raven pulled back her hand.  "Okay," she said.  "I won't touch your precious."  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't know if she was referring to the berries or Luna, nor did she care.  Raven was right: Both was good.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello friends!  If you haven't already, check out <a href="https://ironicsnowflake.tumblr.com/post/631276517801984000/will-write-for-votes">this post</a>.  I am offering stories to anyone who shows me they voted in the 2020 election (and yes there are options for those who can't).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time Lexa got to their last session of the day, she was forced to admit that maybe the doctor had been right about needing a little time off.  Her head throbbed in time to the competing drumbeats coming from all sides, and her neck and shoulders were riddled with knots from holding herself stiff in an attempt to avoid adding insult to injury... or injury to injury.  Thankfully, the team member leading the session didn't call her out on her lack of participation; those who hadn't witnessed it firsthand had been made aware of her injury, and the limitations on her activity for the next week.  It was the first – and likely only – time she would be cut any slack.</p>
<p>Finally it was over, and Luna helped her up from the floor, leading her through a receiving line of those who hadn't seen her earlier in the day who wanted to check in and make sure she was okay.  </p>
<p>"I'm fine," she said, her smile as stiff as her neck.  "Thank you.  <i>Merci.</i>"  </p>
<p>"You're not fine," Luna said, handing Lexa her bag so she didn't have to lean over to retrieve it.  "Tomorrow you need to see PT about a massage."  </p>
<p>"Mm," Lexa agreed, wincing as someone slammed a locker door and the sound clanged through her brain and sent a shudder down her spine like when you bit down on aluminum foil.  </p>
<p>"Don't 'mm' me," Luna said, yanking a sweatshirt over her head.  "You're going.  If you don't do it of your own volition, I'll drag you."  </p>
<p>Lexa held up her hands in surrender.  "I'll go, I'll go!" she said.  "Can we just go—get out of here?"</p>
<p>She'd been about to say 'go home', but the artists' residence didn't feel like home anymore, if it ever had.  She'd wanted to be at the center of it all, getting the full Cirque experience... but the mattresses were thin and the walls thinner, and a beautiful woman had come along and made her a better offer... but not today.  Lexa hadn't seen Clarke at all since this morning, and when she checked her phone there was only one text:</p>
<p><b>Clarke:</b> Stuck working late.  See you tomorrow?</p>
<p>Lexa blinked hard against the sudden stinging in her eyes and texted back.</p>
<p><b>Lexa:</b> Have... fun?  😘</p>
<p>There was no immediate response.  Lexa shoved her phone in her pocket and wrapped herself up in as many layers as she could to face the short but frigid walk back to her room.  Luna fell in step beside her, remaining resolutely at her side until she was safely contained, sitting on her bed (for lack of any other seating options except the stiff desk chair) where she wasn't likely to get hurt.  </p>
<p>"I'll get us some food," Luna said.  "What do you want?"</p>
<p>"Can't we just order something?" Lexa asked, because when faced with the prospect of sitting here alone, even for the short time it would take for Luna to get them food, she found she couldn't stomach it.  "Have it delivered?"</p>
<p>"Are you paying?" Luna asked. </p>
<p>Lexa rolled her eyes.  They made the same amount, unless there was something seriously screwy with their contracts, and had roughly the same expenses, so why did it matter who paid?  But it had been her idea...  "Yes, I'm paying." </p>
<p>"Then yes, we can order something," Luna said.  They scrolled through various options on a delivery app until they found something they could agree on, placed their order, and settled in to wait.  </p>
<p>"So," Lexa said, leaning back against her pillows.  "Raven?"</p>
<p>"Don't start," Luna said.  </p>
<p>"I'm not starting anything!" Lexa protested.  "It was just a question."  She grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to her chest.  "If it's none of my business, just say so."  </p>
<p>"It's none of your business," Luna said.  "And don't think I don't know that you as good as threatened her."  </p>
<p>"I did no such thing," Lexa said.  "I didn't say a word."</p>
<p>"You don't need to when you're holding a knife!" Luna said, but Lexa could see her mouth twitching like she was trying not to smile.  "You are perfectly capable of getting your point across with those eyes of yours when you want to."  </p>
<p>Luna wasn't telling Lexa anything she didn't already know and hadn't already used to her advantage on plenty of occasions, and Lexa found she had no defense.  She probably shouldn't have even brought it up; it was just the first thing that had popped into her head when silence descended that wasn't Clarke Clarke Clarke.  And she definitely didn't want to talk about Clarke.  </p>
<p>"I just want you to be happy," Lexa said finally.  </p>
<p>"I was plenty happy last night," Luna said, with a smirk that made Lexa regret bringing it up... although not really.  There wasn't much they didn't – wouldn't – say to each other, and to have Luna start keeping secrets now would have hurt more than Lexa cared to admit.  "It's not a big deal."</p>
<p>Lexa raised an eyebrow, and Luna screwed up her face as if to say, 'See?  You're doing it right now.'</p>
<p>"Too much adrenaline," Luna said.  "I couldn't sleep.  Oxytocin is a hell of a drug."  She waggled her eyebrows, and Lexa gave in and laughed.</p>
<p>"I don't know if it will happen again," Luna said.</p>
<p>Lexa looked at her, trying to make sense of the way Luna's smile faltered and her eyes went distant when she said it.  "Do you want it to?" she asked when the silence became too loud.  </p>
<p>Luna blinked, looking at Lexa like she'd forgotten she was there.  "I don't know," she said.  "It's... complicated."  </p>
<p>"Because of Derrick?"</p>
<p>Luna shook her head, then shrugged.  "Not for the reasons you think," she said.  "After I said no to his proposal, after he'd had time to lick his wounds, we decided that three years was a long time to not have anyone, and that before we made such a big decision maybe it would make sense to open ourselves to the possibility of there being other people out there.  So it's not that I feel guilty for cheating, because I didn't.  But maybe there's a little guilt because I did it first?  Because it happened so soon?  I think maybe I didn't expect I would ever find someone else I would want to be with, even just for a night.  That I would throw myself into all of this and that would be enough, and then in three years if we were still together, if he hadn't moved on... that would be it."  </p>
<p>Lexa reached out and squeezed Luna's arm, not knowing what else to offer.  She couldn't imagine what her friend was feeling; the idea of being in a relationship with a person but then falling into bed (or more, but they'd only just met...) with someone else wasn't something she could wrap her head around.  On the other hand, it was all too easy to imagine being on the other side of the equation, being the one whose partner moved on.  Even if they'd talked about it.  Even if they'd agreed.  It wasn't the same as what had happened with Costia, but would it really feel all that different?  </p>
<p>"Does he... know?" she asked.  </p>
<p>Luna nodded.  "I told him.  That was part of the agreement."  </p>
<p>"Oh," Lexa said.  She didn't know whether she should ask how he'd taken it, if he'd been upset or if he'd been okay with it, or something in between, and if his reaction was contributing to Luna's conflicted emotions, and—</p>
<p>"Enough about me," Luna said, twisting around to face Lexa.  "Let's talk about you."  </p>
<p>Lexa grimaced.  "Or we could not do that," she said, but Luna didn't hear her, or didn't care.</p>
<p>"Clarke," Luna said, and Lexa felt her heart twist painfully even though she should have known it was coming.  "I like her."</p>
<p>"Me too," Lexa said, warm fuzzy feelings rising up just thinking about her even as doubt dug its claws in deeper, and the words came out somewhere between wistful and pained.   </p>
<p>Luna ducked her head, forcing Lexa to meet her eyes.  "But?"</p>
<p>"But nothing," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Luna raised an eyebrow, but Lexa was saved by the bell – or the buzzing of her phone, telling her the food was here.  She slid off the bed before Luna could offer to retrieve it, racing to the door to take the bag, along with a blast of arctic air.  Her return to her room was much slower, and when she got there Luna was waiting in the doorway, leaned against the frame with her arms crossed.  </p>
<p>"Do you want your food or not?" Lexa asked, pushing past her and setting the bag on her desk, pulling containers out and grabbing a towel to spread over her bed so if they dropped anything it wouldn't land on her sheets.  She dug into her meal – even though she hadn't done nearly as much today as she would when she wasn't injured, she was still starving – and tried to ignore Luna's gaze boring into her.  </p>
<p>Luna held her tongue until they got to their dessert, which she held out of Lexa's reach.  "I'm not giving it to you until you tell me why Clarke's name made you look like you were going to cry," she said.  </p>
<p>"The Constitution forbids the use of cruel and unusual punishment," Lexa said.  "This definitely qualifies.  And what if I want to plead the fifth?"</p>
<p>"We're not in America," Luna said.  "It's obvious she makes you happy, and that she loves you just as much as you love her.  So what's the problem?"</p>
<p>Lexa sighed.  "The problem is that I already know it's going to end."  </p>
<p>Luna frowned.  "How do you know that?"</p>
<p>"Because in a few months I'll be in another city.  Maybe in another country, maybe even on another continent.  What then?" Lexa asked.  "I tried to do long distance with Costia and look how that turned out.  I don't want to go through that again."  But the thought of ending things with Clarke was equally painful, so where did that leave her?  </p>
<p>"Clarke isn't Costia," Luna pointed out, handing over Lexa's piece of cake.  "She knew what she was getting into."  </p>
<p>"Did she though?" Lexa asked.  "The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes the head doesn't catch up until it's too late.  And it's not fair for me to ask her to wait for me, to be faithful to me when I might - <i>maybe</i> - get to see her once or twice a year, for a few days or a week if I'm lucky.  You're not asking Derrick to wait for you!"</p>
<p>"Clarke is also not Derrick, and I'm not you," Luna said.  "What does Clarke say about it?"</p>
<p>"Nothing," Lexa said.  "We haven't talked about it."  </p>
<p>Luna gave her a flat stare.  "You think maybe she might want to have a say about the presumed inevitable demise of your relationship?"</p>
<p>Lexa squirmed.  Of course Clarke would want to have a say.  But would she be practical about it?  Or would she insist it would be okay, that they could make it work, and then a few weeks or months later call Lexa up and say she'd found someone else, someone who was <i>there</i>, someone who could be the person she needed, when and where she needed them, and not... Lexa.  Who pursued her dreams to the exclusion and detriment of every other aspect of her life.  Who was too selfish to love anyone the way they deserved to be loved.  Who—</p>
<p>Luna's fingers snapped in front of her face, jerking her back into the moment.  "Are you going to eat it, or murder it?" she asked, and pointed to Lexa's cake, which she had somehow turned into a mash of crumbs and frosting.  </p>
<p>"Neither," Lexa said, dumping it in the trash.  She shouldn't be eating it anyway.  If she was going to give up everything to pursue this, she needed to be all in.  </p>
<p>Luna squawked with protest and quickly plucked the container out of the garbage can, where it had thankfully landed right side up with no harm done.  "What's <i>wrong</i> with you?" she demanded.  "If you don't want it, I'll eat it!"</p>
<p>"Everything," Lexa said.  "I'm tired.  My head hurts.  Can you just go?"</p>
<p>Luna looked at her, and for a moment Lexa thought she might refuse.  But then she slid from the bed, gathering up their empty dinner containers and stuffing them in the bag, taking her dessert and Lexa's mangled cake with her.  "You know where to find me if you need me," she said, and closed the door behind her.  </p>
<p>As soon as the lock clicked shut, Lexa shoved her face into the throw pillow and sobbed.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Go away, Luna!" Lexa shouted when there was a knock at her door some time later.  Lexa wasn't sure how long it had been since she'd told her to leave, and she refused to look at her phone or read the half dozen text messages she'd sent.  What part of, 'I want to be alone' did Luna not understand?  (Other than the part where Lexa hadn't actually said it, but she'd heavily implied it.)  </p>
<p>"It's not Luna."  </p>
<p>
  <i>Clarke.</i>
</p>
<p>Her voice was muffled but unmistakable, and Lexa sat bolt upright.  She didn't need to look in the mirror to know she looked like shit – eyes bloodshot and nose and cheeks red, hair a tangled mess – and her head was pounding worse than ever after her extended crying jag.  </p>
<p>She answered the door anyway.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry to just drop by like this, but you weren't answering my texts and I know they said no concussion but—"  Clarke stopped.  "Shit, Lexa.  What's wrong?"</p>
<p>And that was all it took to set her off again, even though every hitching breath, every tear that leaked from her eyes, hurt worse than the last.  </p>
<p>"Oh Lexa," Clarke whispered, wrapping her in her arms and stroking her hair back from her temple.  "Oh love..."  One hand slid to the back of Lexa's head, brushing against the bump there, and Lexa hissed in a breath.  "Shit!"  Clarke pulled the hand away, bringing her fingers to her lips and kissing them, then pressing them against Lexa's skull again, a safe distance from where it hurt.  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but she was already crying, so she guessed it would have to be both.  "<i>Merde</i>," she murmured, resting her head on Clarke's shoulder.  </p>
<p>"<i>Merde,</i>" Clarke echoed.  "<i>Tabernak de câlice de...</i>"  She scrunched her nose.  "I guess I'm not Quebecois enough yet."</p>
<p>Lexa smiled, letting her lips brush the soft skin of Clarke's neck, above where her scarf was wound because she was still dressed for outdoors.  She felt Clarke shiver, and for a moment she was tempted to draw her over and into her bed, to lose herself in the physical so she didn't have to think about her head or her heart for a while, but she was too exhausted, too wrung out for even that.  "You tried," she said.  </p>
<p>"I'm surprised I remembered even that much," Clarke admitted.  She turned her head so her nose brushed against Lexa's.  "Do you want to talk about it?"  </p>
<p>Lexa let go of a shuddering sigh as tears welled up again.  "No," she said, even though she knew it was a conversation that needed to happen, sooner rather than later.  It was too late to avoid a broken heart, but if it wasn't going to work, it was better to know it now, before she invested any more time or energy that could be dedicated to doing what she'd come here to do.  </p>
<p>Not that she wasn't giving it everything she had and then some.  </p>
<p>God, she was so fucking tired...</p>
<p>"Is there anything I can do?" Clarke asked. </p>
<p>Lexa didn't even know the answer to that question, or at least not any that she had any right to expect.  </p>
<p>Clarke traced her thumb along Lexa's jaw, and Lexa caught her hand and pressed her cheek into her palm.  "Do you want me to stay?" Clarke asked when Lexa still said nothing.  She glanced over at the bed.  "Or come to my place?"</p>
<p>Finally, a question Lexa knew the answer to.  "Yes," she said, her voice husky and thick.  </p>
<p>"I was hoping you'd say that," Clarke said.  She tipped up Lexa's face for a gentle, brushing kiss, then helped her into a scarf and hat and coat, dressing her as if she were a child, and honestly Lexa felt a bit like one.  She packed her bag for work the next day, hefting it over one shoulder, and grabbed her keys.  </p>
<p>"Hold on," Lexa said, after locking her door.  "This will just take a second."  </p>
<p>"Sure," Clarke said.  "I'll summon a Lyft."  </p>
<p>Lexa's lips quirked.  "Summon, huh?"</p>
<p>Clarke wiggled her fingers like she was casting a spell on her phone, then turned her attention back to the screen.</p>
<p>Luna answered her door as soon as Lexa knocked, almost as if she'd been waiting on the other side.  Maybe she had.  After all, someone had to have let Clarke into the building.  </p>
<p>"I'm going to Clarke's," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"I'm glad," Luna said, and slipped into Lexa's arms as soon as she held them out, hugging her tight.  Lexa braced herself for whispered advice or maybe an admonishment to talk to Clarke, but Luna just held her for a long moment before letting her go.  </p>
<p>"See you tomorrow?" Lexa asked, even though it wasn't really a question.  </p>
<p>"Only if you really feel up for it," Luna said sternly.  "You know as well as I do that trying to return from an injury before you're really ready is more likely to prolong your recovery time, and increases the risk of re-injury."  </p>
<p>She did, but Lexa wasn't about to give Luna the satisfaction of being told she was right.  "Shall I give Raven your love?" she asked instead.  </p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes so hard she was lucky they didn't fall out and take off across the floor.  "You're the worst," she said, but pulled Lexa into another hug.  "Sweet dreams, okay?"</p>
<p>"You too," Lexa said, and meant it.</p>
<hr/>
<p>At Clarke's place, Lexa let herself be fussed over, just a little.  On the short ride over the day had really caught up to her, and she found herself barely able to manage the stairs.  She accepted Clarke's help unwinding her layers, and the bottle of water she offered on their way to the bedroom, where they were soon curled around each other beneath the covers.  </p>
<p>"I love you," Clarke whispered, her lips brushing Lexa's brow.  </p>
<p>Lexa felt her heart clench and her chest tighten, but she seemed to have run out of tears.  "I love you too," she said, pressing her hand to Clarke's chest.  She knew she ought to say more, to explain why she'd been such a disaster when Clarke arrived at her door, but she couldn't muster the energy to do more than sigh.  </p>
<p>"You should sleep," Clarke said.  "Maybe things will look better in the morning."  </p>
<p>"With your bedhead?" Lexa teased.  </p>
<p>Clarke exhaled a laugh.  "Touché," she said.  "Not all of us can be practically perfect in every way."  </p>
<p>"I'm not perfect," Lexa said.  "Not even close."</p>
<p>"I said practically perfect," Clarke said.</p>
<p>"I'm not that either."</p>
<p>"Agree to disagree," Clarke said, kissing her head again. </p>
<p>Lexa pulled away.  "I'm not," she insisted.  </p>
<p>Clarke looked at her, blinking at the sudden change in her tone.  She sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, and Lexa could practically see her sorting through and discarding possible responses before finally settling on, "I know.  No one is."  </p>
<p>"You can't—"  Lexa shook her head.  "I can't let you put me on a pedestal.  I can't be perfect, or practically perfect.  I can't be... I can't force myself into whatever shape you want me to be, or that I think you want me to be.  I can't.  I tried it once.  It didn't end well."  </p>
<p>Before Clarke could protest, or say anything at all, Lexa charged on.  "I know you didn't mean it that way.  I know.  I know this is my shit, and you were just teasing, just trying to make me feel better, trying to make me feel good, trying..."  She shook her head.  "I know it was just the wrong words at the wrong time.  I know."  </p>
<p>
  <i>But.</i>
</p>
<p>Clarke looked at her, searching her face, her hand hovering near Lexa's temple like she wanted to touch her but wasn't sure if she could, or should... or maybe she'd wanted to touch her but was now having second thoughts.  </p>
<p>And maybe that was for the best.  Maybe once Lexa showed Clarke her true colors, showed her—</p>
<p>The tips of her fingers landed, brushing the wispy soft strands along Lexa's hairline back with a touch so gentle it ached, not in her head (although that still hurt too and Lexa couldn't remember if she'd taken anything for it) but in her chest.  </p>
<p>And if Clarke's touch was a caress, her voice was softer still, in volume but also in inflection, and words that could have been a demand, an accusation, were neither, and that, more than anything, shattered every last wall Lexa had.  "What is this really about?"</p>
<p>It took a minute – a few minutes – to gather the shards of herself back together, to remember how to draw air into her lungs and convert it into words that Clarke could hear, instead of pressing them into her palm with kisses and hoping they would travel to her brain that way.  </p>
<p>"You weren't part of my plan," Lexa said finally.  "When I came here, I thought I knew how this was going to go, how things were going to be... as much as anyone can know what to expect in a place where the only constant is change and the only thing you can really expect is the unexpected.  But you weren't part of that."  </p>
<p>She sucked in another breath, her eyelids drooping as she let it out slowly, then met Clarke's eyes again.  "Then I saw you, and even before I knew your name, even before we'd said so much as hello... I felt something.  A spark.  A connection.  When I met you – really met you, talked to you..."  Lexa's teeth dug into her lower lip, letting it slide through slowly.  "It didn't matter what plans I had.  This place, the universe, whatever... it had different plans for me.  Plans that involved falling in bed and falling in love, and it was kind of a chicken-and-egg situation, and if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't change a damn thing."  </p>
<p>And that was the truth.  Even though it hurt now, and even though it would hurt more later, Lexa knew she wouldn't trade a single second of the time they had – however long or short it might be – for anything.  Her life was better with Clarke in it.  <i>She</i> was better for having known – knowing – Clarke.  </p>
<p>But could Clarke say the same?  Now, maybe, yes, but in a few months?  Or a few years?  </p>
<p>Or maybe not now, because Clarke was frowning, lines etching themselves deep between her brows, and Lexa reached up to try to smooth them away, then stopped herself because she had no right to try to stop Clarke from feeling whatever it was she was feeling.</p>
<p>"Then why the tears?" Clarke asked.  "Why... all of this?"</p>
<p>"Because I know we only have a few months left to be together," Lexa said.  "And I know when the time comes, I won't want to leave you."  She leaned her forehead against Clarke's, just for a moment.  "I know I won't ever want to leave you."  </p>
<p>Clarke was quiet for a long time, her fingers running through Lexa's hair over and over again, and Lexa felt herself being lulled even as her heart bruised itself against her ribs with its throbbing.  </p>
<p>"I won't want you to leave either," Clarke said.  "And I guess I didn't really think about that part when I fell for you.  I guess I didn't really think much at all, about anything other than how happy you make me, every time we're together."  </p>
<p>"Even now?" Lexa sniffed.  </p>
<p>"Even now," Clarke said, a smile in her voice.  "I'll take honest tears over fake smiles any day."  She nudged Lexa's nose with her own, and Lexa opened her eyes even though it was hard to focus with their faces so close.  "You weren't part of my plan either, you know."  Her lips tilted, her smile gone crooked and wry.  "I just wanted a job.  Needed a job.  Needed to prove to my mother that I could make it in a field where she couldn't see a future.  I applied for anything and everything, and this felt like such a longshot.  But here I am.  And I don't know what I believe, entirely, but... it's hard for me to dismiss the idea of fate when I land a job I'm barely qualified for, where I feel like an impostor every minute of every day, where I barely speak or understand the language... and where I meet a woman who makes me happier than I've ever been.  And just when I'm trying to prepare myself for rejection, bracing myself for heartbreak... she kisses me.  She tells me she loves me.  She shows me, every day, on no uncertain terms, how much she means it.  I mean, what are the odds?"</p>
<p>Lexa shook her head, her eyes glazing with tears again.  She didn't know the odds.  Not of them meeting and falling in love.  But she knows the odds of this honeymoon-like bliss ending were 100%, and—</p>
<p>"I'm willing to take the chance," Clarke said.  "On this.  On us.  I'm willing to gamble that we'll beat the odds, whatever they are.  Whatever's stacked against us.  I'm willing."  Her fingers tensed just a little, gripping the back of Lexa's head.  "But you have to decide for yourself whether you're willing to do the same."</p>
<p>Lexa bit back the urge to say, 'Yes!  Yes, of course I'm willing!'  Because the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.  Wasn't that how the saying went?  Or maybe it was the opposite in her case.  Maybe her flesh was willing but her spirit was weak, or maybe she feared Clarke's would be, or—</p>
<p>Or maybe she needed to say these things out loud.  To give Clarke a chance to understand her... or not.  To reassure her.  Or not.  To leave.  </p>
<p>Or not.</p>
<p>"I'm scared," she said finally.  "I'm afraid we'll go into this with the best of intentions and then you'll realize how hard it is – because it'll be <i>years</i> Clarke.  <i>Years</i> that we don't see each other, except briefly when I get a break, and I don't know how often that'll be.  It'll be years of missed phone calls and time zone confusion and being able to love each other in words only.  I'm afraid it won't be enough.  I'm afraid it will be too hard and you'll... want more.  Need more.  And I won't be able to give it to you, and you'll find it elsewhere, and..."  Lexa sighed.  "I know you're not Costia.  But I get why what happened happened.  I understand it, and maybe that's the worst part.  Because it makes it so easy to imagine it happening again."  </p>
<p>"I'm not Costia," Clarke said, "but I get it too.  I can see why you would be scared.  And... I can't promise that it will all work out.  I can't tell you that it might not prove to be too hard.  Not just for me.  For you, too.  I'm not going to lay here and promise you forever because I think it's what you want to hear.  You wouldn't believe me anyway.  But I will promise to be open and honest with you, to tell you if things are getting hard before they reach a breaking point, if you'll promise me the same.  Because I love this, Lexa.  I love <i>you</i>.  I love who we are together, and who I am when I'm with you.  You're amazing.  I don't think you really understand how amazing you are.  Not just your talent, but your dedication, and your passion.  Your willingness to try new things, to throw yourself into them headfirst, not knowing what's coming.  Even when it might be painful.  Even when it might not work out.  You were willing to do it with the Cyr wheel, and even though you got knocked down, you got up again."</p>
<p>Lexa let out a soft snort of laughter.  "Thanks for the earworm," she said.</p>
<p>"Oh shit," Clarke laughed.  "I didn't even realize.  But you see what I'm saying, right?"</p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  She hadn't considered it that way – that throwing herself into a relationship with Clarke could parallel her journey in Cirque.  That it could mirror the life she was building rather than the one she'd left behind.  Her relationship with Costia had failed, like she had failed – perhaps <i>because</i> she had failed – to contort herself into the person Costia (and most of the rest of the world) thought she should be.  She wasn't going to fail here.  She wasn't going to let her lifelong dream slip through her fingers.  </p>
<p>And she wasn't going to let Clarke slip away either.  </p>
<p>"I promise," she said.  "I promise to tell you if I'm struggling.  I promise to tell you if there's something I need from you that I'm not getting.  And I promise to do everything I can to give you what you need, and support you, and—"  Lexa shook her head, pressing her lips against Clarke's in a quick, firm kiss, sealing the promise.  "I love you.  I can't promise you forever – not now, not today – but if you're willing to try, so am I."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa woke up in a tangle of blankets and Clarke's limbs, soft and heavy, skin clinging where it pressed.  She nuzzled into Clarke's throat, pressing soft kisses along her clavicle, and felt her stir and mumble something incomprehensible into Lexa's hair.  </p>
<p>Her headache was gone, thanks to water and painkiller and Oxytocin (Luna was right, it was a hell of a drug) and a full night of sleep in a soft bed made even more comfortable by the presence of the woman she loved beside her in it.  The fact that her head and heart had finally reconciled didn't hurt, either.  </p>
<p>"... time 's it?" Clarke mumbled, fumbling for her phone on the nightstand.  Lexa squinted as its light brightened the room, and Clarke groaned.  </p>
<p>"Do we have to get up?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>"Soon," Clarke said.  "But not just yet."  And her lips met Lexa's, answering her question about what they might or might not have time for before she had a chance to voice it.  </p>
<p>There were very few words exchanged... until Clarke cursed as her alarm start bleating... except it was Lexa's alarm, and her phone was in a pocket but she wasn't sure which one, and they scrambled to find and silence it before it drew Raven's wrath next door.  It was finally located in the bottom of Lexa's bag, and they collapsed back into bed, muffling their giggles against each other's shoulders.  </p>
<p>It was Clarke who quieted first, and Lexa felt more than saw the change in her demeanor as the levity slipped away into something more serious.</p>
<p>"Can I ask you a question?" Clarke asked.  </p>
<p>"You just did," Lexa pointed out.  "Of course."</p>
<p>"Do you <i>have to</i> stay in the artists' residences?  Is it a requirement?"</p>
<p>Lexa's heart skipped a beat.  "No," she said.  "Some people get their own apartments."  There were people with families that traveled with them, and people – like Anya – who were local, and some people just wanted more privacy and quiet than the artists' residences could offer them.  </p>
<p>"So if you wanted to..."  Clarke trailed off, but Lexa stayed quiet, not wanting to jump to any conclusions or make any assumptions about where the thought had been going.  Clarke swallowed, her throat bobbing.  "If you wanted to, you could leave?"  Her eyes found Lexa's and locked on.  "If you wanted to, you could... stay here?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Clarke let out a stuttering breath.  "Would you?  Want to?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Lexa said, before she could think – or overthink – about it.  She would miss living next door to Luna, and maybe occasionally she would miss being in the thick of things with the rest of the cast during off hours... but not nearly as much as she would miss Clarke.  And she had the next several years with them, and only a few months with Clarke, and—  "Yes," she repeated, taking Clarke's face between her hands kissing her.  "There's nothing I want more."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I hate that you're leaving," Luna said, sitting heavily on the edge of Lexa's now stripped bed.  "I get it... but I hate it."  </p>
<p>Lexa paused in stuffing clothing into her suitcase and squeezed herself between it and Luna's hip, until Luna shifted over to make room.  "I know," she said, taking Luna's hand and lacing their fingers together.  "You could always come with me," she added.  "I'm sure Raven wouldn't mind."  Truthfully, she wasn't sure of that at all.  She wasn't even sure how Raven felt about her moving in, and she probably should have asked.  </p>
<p>Luna shoved her shoulder against Lexa's, rocking her sideways, but said nothing, and Lexa could see a faint sheen of tears welling in her eyes.  "Hey," she said, turning Luna's face toward hers, resting their foreheads against each other.  "None of that.  You'll still see me every day.  Like, literally, <i>every</i> day."  </p>
<p>Luna sniffed.  "I know.  I know.  I'm being silly.  I just..."  She shook her head.  "It's always been you and me against the world."  </p>
<p>"It still is!" Lexa said.  "Nothing's changed!"  Luna raised an eyebrow, and Lexa scowled in response.  "Nothing between us," she amended.  "Please.  I need this."</p>
<p>"I know," Luna said.  Sighed.  "Am I allowed to be happy for you and sad for me at the same time?"</p>
<p>"Of course," Lexa said, disentangling their hands so she could wrap Luna in a hug, holding her for a long time.  She didn't know if this was really about her moving out or if there was something bigger at play, and she didn't ask.  Luna was an adult and would be fine without her, especially since they <i>would</i> still see each other nearly all day, every day, for the next several years.  And if there was something else going on, she would tell Lexa when she was ready.  </p>
<p>"I can always come back if things don't work out," she added.  She'd made sure of that before signing the form that she was moving out of Cirque housing and providing them with her new address.  </p>
<p>Luna nodded, her chin digging into Lexa's shoulder.  "I hope it does," she said, her smile weak and watery.  "I want you to be happy."</p>
<p>"So does she," Lexa said.  "So do I."  </p>
<p>Luna squeezed her again, then finally let go and pushed herself up, all business as she helped Lexa finish packing her things – there wasn't much, even after all these months – and carry it to the front of the building, where a car waited. </p>
<p>Clarke popped out of the passenger's side, smile bright and eyes brighter, and took Lexa's suitcase from her hands to heft it into the trunk.  Raven came around from the driver's side to grab the plastic tote that held most of Lexa's other belongings, shoving it into the back seat.  She paused when she saw Luna and flashed her a smile, and it was probably just the chill in the air that made Luna's cheeks pink, but...</p>
<p>"You can have shotgun," Clarke said, closing the trunk.  </p>
<p>Lexa didn't argue, even though she wouldn't have minded sitting in the back.  She just hugged Luna one final time, promising she would see her the next day, and took her place in the car.  Luna waved as they pulled away, and Lexa waved back, swallowing down the anxiety that tried to claw its way up her throat.  </p>
<p>"I just want you both to know that as awesome as I am – and I am damn awesome – all this," Raven drew circles in the air around her face, "doesn't just happen.  So you'd better not disturb my beauty sleep."  She grinned, and Lexa saw Clarke roll her eyes in the rearview mirror.  </p>
<p>"Raven Reyes, admitting everything doesn't just come naturally?  That she might actually be human?  I never thought I'd see the day," Clarke quipped.  </p>
<p>Raven's smile slipped into a glare.  "You tell anyone..."  She drew a finger in a line across her throat.  "Remember I know where you sleep."  But Lexa could see the laughter in her eyes, even as she turned her attention to the road, navigating through traffic as she drove them all home.  </p>
<p>Clarke and Raven insisted on carrying everything but her gym bag up for her, because she was still injured, Lexa supposed, or maybe they just wanted to be nice.  They brought it to Clarke's room, where it took up a good portion of the available floor space, and Lexa sucked in a breath, her stomach fluttering as it really started to sink in that even as she gained more time with Clarke, she was giving up having a place to relax and recharge that was just hers, and the trade-off could have consequences.  </p>
<p>"I didn't get a chance to make space," Clarke said.  "Just give me a minute and I'll clear out a couple of drawers for you."  </p>
<p>Lexa nodded, only half-watching as Clarke worked, rearranging her stuff to make room for Lexa's.  Even though it was her own place, and she'd done more to personalize it than Lexa ever had with her room, Clarke had still only lived there for a relatively short period of time, and it didn't take long for her to empty a few drawers and a portion of the closet.  </p>
<p>Lexa set her suitcase on the bed and unzipped it, feeling suddenly awkward as she transferred underwear and bras and everything else into the newly free space, even though Clarke had seen it all before, and more (or less, depending on how you looked at it).  It felt more intimate even than the times when her clothes had gotten mixed in with Clarke's laundry, and Clarke had washed and folded and tucked them away for her for the next time.  She tried to remember if she'd been this nervous when she'd moved in with Costia... except she hadn't moved in with Costia.  They'd moved into a new place together, deciding mutually who got what space, rather than Lexa colonizing a place that was already occupied... even if she'd been invited.  </p>
<p>She felt Clarke's hand fall lightly on her back as she straightened up, and her gentle eyes and soft smile helped ease the choked breath from Lexa's lungs.  "I'm nervous too," she said.  "I had to sew the same seam three times today.  I kept thinking, 'Is it too much?  Is it too soon?'  But then I would think, 'It's now or... well, not never, but not for a long time, so...'"  Clarke shrugged.  </p>
<p>Lexa brought her hands up to take Clarke's face between them, tracing her thumbs along her jaw and cheekbones before drawing her into a kiss.  "Thank you," she said.  She wasn't even sure what for.  For her honesty, maybe.  For understanding.  For having doubts and doing it anyway.  </p>
<p>"You being here is all the thanks I need," Clarke said.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The next morning dawned clear and cold, and the chill had seeped into the apartment enough that it took more than a few tries for Lexa to convince herself that she really did have to get up and out of bed, leaving the warmth of Clarke and their cocoon of blankets to attend to her screaming bladder.  After washing her hands, she stared at herself in the mirror, reaching back to poke gingerly at the knot on her head which she couldn't see but could still feel.  It felt smaller than it had been, the pain the ache of a healing bruise rather than the sharp throb of an acute trauma.  She knew, objectively, that that was just how healing worked – time heals all wounds, and all that – but she'd slept long and hard and deep the night before, and she couldn't help believing that Clarke had played a role in that, even if they'd fallen asleep after nothing more than a few drowsy kisses.  </p>
<p>She switched off the light and opened the door, telling herself she wasn't allowed to crawl back into bed even if Clarke wasn't up yet, and nearly jumped out of her skin when she found herself face-to-face with Raven.  "Shit!" she gasped. </p>
<p>"I warned you," Raven joked, not bothering to stifle or even cover a yawn that twisted into a smirk when her mouth closed again.  "Good morning, sunshine."  </p>
<p>"Morning," Lexa said.  Somehow she'd managed to forget that it wasn't just her and Clarke.  </p>
<p>"Are you done in there?" Raven asked, pointing past Lexa to the bathroom.  "'Cause I drank a whole lotta water last night, and..."  She raised her eyebrows.  </p>
<p>"Yeah.  Sorry," Lexa mumbled, stepping out of her way.  </p>
<p>"Thanks," Raven said, shuffling past her.  "FYI, you're welcome to invite your friend Luna over any time you want."  She smirked again – or maybe she'd never stopped – and closed the door.</p>
<p>When it opened again, it was Raven's turn to jump, because Lexa was still standing outside waiting for her.  "FYI," Lexa said.  "You're welcome to do the same."  She left Raven in the hall with her mouth hanging open, not allowing herself to snicker at her startled expression until the door was safely closed behind her.</p>
<p>"What's so funny?" Clarke mumbled, holding out her arms like a child waiting to be picked up, waving them insistently until Lexa settled into them, on top of the covers so she didn't get sucked back in by the blanket gravity.  </p>
<p>"I just rendered Raven speechless," Lexa said.  "It was awesome."</p>
<p>Clarke blinked.  "Raven?  Speechless?" </p>
<p>"Yup."</p>
<p>"Raven-Who-Lives-Here Raven?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Raven Reyes?  You're sure?"</p>
<p>Lexa was laughing now, and could feel that Clarke was struggling not to do the same.  "Yes!"  </p>
<p>"Wow," Clarke said.  "The least you could have done was wake me up to witness the miracle."  </p>
<p>Lexa kissed her by way of apology, cursing her alarm clock when it interrupted and prevented things from getting more heated.  She got up and dressed and made a quick breakfast, and was grateful for the still quiet of Raven's car that kept her from having to walk more than the few steps from parking lot to building as the wind snatched the air from her lungs and replaced it with ice.  </p>
<p>Inside, she looked at Clarke, who looked back at her, then around at the lobby and the cameras that surely watched them from several angles.  She longed to kiss her, but there were almost certainly rules about relationships within the ranks, and she wasn't prepared to deal with HR, although they would have to at some point, probably...</p>
<p>"I know," Clarke said softly, and Lexa had no doubt she did.  So they hugged instead, which could mean anything or nothing.  Lexa shivered from anything but cold as Clarke nuzzled in and pressed a quick kiss to her throat before letting go.  "See you later?"</p>
<p>"Is that even a question anymore?" Lexa asked, making sure to keep her voice down.</p>
<p>Clarke just grinned in response, quickly grabbing and squeezing Lexa's hand before disappearing down the corridor that would take her to the costume shop.  </p>
<p>Luna was already in the locker room, shedding layers and stuffing them into her locker.  "How was it?" she asked as Lexa took her place beside her.</p>
<p>"Good," Lexa said, then wrinkled her nose at the rote response.  "A little awkward at first.  I've never moved into someone else's space before.  But we'll settle into it.  It's more what happens here I'm worried about."</p>
<p>Luna nodded.  "It's not like they can say anything about it," she said.  "You work for the same company, but you don't work <i>together</i>, so there's no reason for them to object."</p>
<p>"I know," Lexa said.  "It just feels very... official.  Like by disclosing the relationship, putting it down on paper, it becomes a bigger deal than it is."  But that wasn't right.  It <i>was</i> a big deal.  It was a huge deal.  It was just...  "Or... it makes it not ours anymore.  Not entirely ours.  It gives someone else a stake in it?  I don't know.  We're two consenting adults in a relationship.  Why is it any of their business?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," Luna said.  "Maybe it's not.  I didn't read every page of the handbook they gave us when we signed on, did you?"</p>
<p>"No," Lexa admitted.  She'd read the contract before signing it, but the human resources guide she'd viewed as more of a reference book she didn't expect to have to consult often.  She sighed.  "I don't want to get in trouble.  I don't want to get her in trouble.  I just want to be able to be us without it turning into an HR nightmare."  </p>
<p>"The course of true love never did run smooth," Luna said.  "Especially when there's a giant international corporation involved."  </p>
<p>Lexa groaned and changed into her gear for the day, adding on a few layers because she knew she wouldn't be working up as much of a sweat as usual, since she was still under doctor's orders to take it easy.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa was grateful when they finished early on Saturday, giving them a full 36 hours before they had to return to the complex and all of the eyes and ears that surrounded them there.  They fell into bed as soon as they got home, and didn't emerge again until her stomach growled loudly enough that Clarke heard it and they couldn't put off dinner any longer.</p>
<p>They had heard Raven come in a while ago, and sounds of conversation had broken through the walls a few times.  Lexa had thought maybe Raven had decided to go ahead and act on Lexa's advice that she could invite Luna over, so she froze when she saw it was not Luna but Anya, the trapeze artist who was the third part of their act, cozied up on the couch with Raven.  </p>
<p>Anya looked up and smiled.  "<i>Bonjour,</i>" she said, standing up and pulling Lexa into a quick hug, followed by a kiss on each cheek.  </p>
<p>"<i>Bonjour</i>," Lexa echoed weakly.  "Anya, <i>avez-vous rencontré</i> Clarke?"  She slipped into French out of habit, knowing it was Anya's first language.  </p>
<p>"<i>Oui,</i>" Anya said.  "<i>Du département des costumes.</i>"</p>
<p>"<i>Oui,</i>" Clarke said.  "<i>C'est un plaisir de vous revoir.</i>"  She accepted Anya's hug and double-barreled kiss, but Lexa saw her eyes straying to Raven, who looked both embarrassed and defiant.  </p>
<p>"<i>Excusez-moi,</i>" Anya said, and disappeared into the bathroom.  Lexa didn't know if she had sensed the tension in the room and wanted to escape it, or if she just needed to use the restroom.  Either way, it gave her the opportunity to turn on Raven.</p>
<p>"I hope you know what you're doing," Lexa said.  "I hope <i>they</i> know what you're doing."  </p>
<p>"All I'm doing is talking," Raven said.  "Pretty sure I'm allowed to talk to whoever I want."</p>
<p>Lexa forced herself to unclench her jaw.  This wasn't her battle to fight, but she couldn't just let it go, either.  Not when the fallout, should things get explosive, had the potential to affect not only her personal life, but her professional one.  If Raven drove a wedge between Luna and Anya by playing them both, it could make things awkward, to say the least.  And the work had to come before everything.  </p>
<p>And here she thought <i>she</i> was the one with the potential HR nightmare.  </p>
<p>"They have to work together," Lexa said.  "Remember that."</p>
<p>Raven looked like she was going to fire off a snappy comeback, but then she seemed to deflate a little.  "I will," she said.  </p>
<p>Lexa gave her a last long look before going to the kitchen, though her appetite had evaporated and her stomach was in knots.  </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Clarke murmured, pressing a hand to the small of Lexa's back.  "I didn't—"  </p>
<p>"Not your fault," Lexa said.  She opened the refrigerator and closed it again, then the freezer, but she was unable to see past the glare of the light at the end of the tunnel that turned out to actually be a train, and her caught in its path, unable to do anything to stop it.  "Let's go out," she said.  </p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Clarke asked.  "It's cold, and—"</p>
<p>"I'm sure," Lexa said.  "Crêpes?"</p>
<p>Clarke softened.  "Sure."  They retreated to her room to put on something other than pajamas, then bundled up to face the cold, clinging to each other's hands as they navigated the snow-slicked streets.  </p>
<p>Lexa sucked in a breath of sugar air, soaking in the heat that blasted out of the little creperie near their apartment.  It wasn't the same one they'd visited on their first date which hadn't been a date (but it had totally been a date) but it was nearly as good, and quiet at this time of night so they were able to easily find a table tucked into a corner where they could talk freely.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Clarke said again.  "I didn't think she would actually—"  She stopped, frowning and shaking her head.  </p>
<p>"They're all adults," Lexa said.  "They can do what – and who – they want.  I just want to make sure she's being honest with everyone involved.  If they're okay with it..."  She shrugged.  "But if she's going behind their backs, there's pretty much no way for it to end anything but ugly, and guess who'll be caught in the middle of it?"  </p>
<p>"I'm so—" Clarke started to say, but Lexa shook her head.  </p>
<p>"Stop saying you're sorry," she said gently.  "You don't have to apologize for what other people do."  </p>
<p>"So—"  Clarke grimaced.  "Bad habit."  </p>
<p>"Would it help if I kissed you every time you started saying you're sorry for something you didn't do?" Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>Clarke smiled.  "No," she said.  "It would make me want to say it more."  </p>
<p>Lexa laughed.  "Right.  Rewarding someone for an undesirable behavior is the opposite of what you're supposed to do."  </p>
<p>"You can kiss me any time I <i>don't</i> apologize," Clarke said.  </p>
<p>"How will I know when you were going to but stopped yourself?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"You won't," Clarke admitted.  "You'll just have to use your best judgement.  Or just kiss me all the time."  </p>
<p>Lexa laughed again, and it felt good to just be here, to be a regular couple doing regular couple things, taking a break from their highly irregular lives.  She took Clarke's hand and squeezed it, then leaned over and kissed her for good measure, edging her seat closer until they were side-by-side.  When their food arrived, she let everything but the moment slip away, determined to enjoy the time they had together while they had it.</p>
<p>When they got home Anya was gone, and Raven had shut herself in her room.  Lexa could hear her talking to someone, but couldn't hear their responses so she assumed she was on the phone.  Maybe with Luna.  Maybe she would hear about it later.  </p>
<p>But now... now she was full of crepes and hot chocolate and kisses, and more than ready for dessert.  </p>
<p>She locked Clarke's door.</p>
<hr/>
<p>On Monday Lexa went back to work.  Her head was still slightly bruised, but she hadn't had a headache in days, and she wasn't exhausted by the end of the day like she had been.  One of the Cirque medical team checked her over and declared her fit to return to training, with an admonishment to take care of herself and speak up if she wasn't sure about the safety of anything she was doing.  As if the injury had been her fault.  </p>
<p>"I will," she said, and headed for the gym.</p>
<p>"Come," their coach said as soon as they arrived, leading them out of one space and into the one where the stage was built.  "We have much to do and not so much time to do it."  </p>
<p>Lexa felt Luna's fingers against her palm, and she closed her own over them, accepting the comfort offered.  She was a little nervous – more than a little – but the only way they were going to figure things out was to do them, over and over again until they got it right no matter what happened.  </p>
<p>"We have an idea how to make it safer," their coach said.  "But first, get warmed up, start working through the routine.  You must remember in your bodies, not only your heads."</p>
<p>As if she had somehow forgotten everything in a week.  As if the accident had knocked what they'd been working on for months completely out of her head.  She sighed and dropped to the mats, stretching herself out and making sure she was nice and loose before retrieving the big metal wheel from where it leaned against the wall, carrying it up to the stage.  </p>
<p>"You ready for this?" Luna asked.  </p>
<p>"As I'll ever be," Lexa said, and pushed off.</p>
<p>When they'd finally gotten back into the rhythm of things (which was admittedly a little harder than Lexa had expected it to be, even though it had only been a week) they were presented with a possible solution to the water problem: heavier wheels.  Not for when they were working on a dry stage, but to be switched out when the water came on.  The theory was that the additional weight would help them keep from skidding on the slick stage (which was designed to drain, but nothing was instantaneous and there would be spatter that formed a thin layer that wouldn't just disappear). </p>
<p>In practice... they needed practice.  Before they could even consider turning on the waterworks, they had to get used to working with the additional weight, adjusting their movements to get enough momentum to execute moves that had been second nature only moments before.  Their session ran late as they tried to work things out, and Lexa could feel their coach's frustration when they still weren't ready for the next step by the time they had to move on.  </p>
<p>"Tomorrow," he said, pasting on a smile.  "Good work today."  </p>
<p>But she sensed he didn't really mean it, and that most of his ire was directed at her and the delay her injury had caused.  </p>
<p>"I'm going to be sore tomorrow," Luna said, propping her arm on Lexa's shoulder and resting her head there.  </p>
<p>"Me too," Lexa said.  "At least you've been able to work this past week." </p>
<p>"At least you have someone who can give you a nice rubdown," Luna countered, her lips twitching.  </p>
<p>Lexa scrunched her nose.  She considered for a second mentioning Raven, then thought better of it.  She didn't know if they'd talked, and if they had, how it had gone.  If it had been a disaster, she assumed Luna would have said something, but maybe she didn't know.  Maybe there was nothing to know.  </p>
<p>Why did people have to be so complicated?</p>
<hr/>
<p>When they got to their session the next day, Raven was there, and Lexa tensed.  Because Raven meant potential drama, either of the interpersonal or watery variety... or both.  Both definitely <i>wasn't</i> good in this case.  </p>
<p>But Luna greeted her warmly, and this time when the sheet of manufactured rain came pouring down from the sky, they took things slowly, forgetting the routine and just getting used to working with the new wheels and the unpredictability that came with adding water to the equation.  They discovered that the extra weight did help, but only up to a point.  There were a few more incidents of slipping and skidding, but no more injuries, and when they were finished they were soaked, but their coach was smiling.  </p>
<p>"This we can work with," he said, nodding.  "Maybe we change some of the routine to make it safe, but this is okay.  Good job."  He patted their backs where water dripped from their hair and beaded on their skin, and this time Lexa knew he meant it.  </p>
<p>"I'm glad one of us feels good about it," she grumbled as they dragged themselves to the locker room to dry off, because they still had another session before they got to go home.  </p>
<p>"You don't?" Luna asked.  "I thought it was okay."</p>
<p>"It was," Lexa said, "but okay isn't good enough."</p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes.  "<i>Okay,</i> Miss Perfection Is The Only Acceptable Outcome," she said.  "It's the first day.  We'll get there."</p>
<p>Lexa sighed.  "I just want to be great," she said.  "I want to be the act that everyone remembers.  The one they can't stop talking about.  The one they mention first when they tell their friends, 'You have to see this show.'" </p>
<p>"I know," Luna said.  "We will be."  </p>
<p>"From your lips to the circus gods' ears," Lexa said.</p>
<hr/>
<p>From there, the days started to blur together, moving from spinning in Cyr wheels soaking wet to learning to juggle a soccer ball – with her feet, not her hands – to dance classes to music sessions to the gym to climbing vertical metal poles.  </p>
<p>Lexa was constantly hungry, constantly sore, and felt like she was always just slightly damp.  The only respite she had was at night, when she curled up in bed with Clarke, burrowing into the warmth of her and listening to the latest gossip from the world of costumes, where they seemed to hear a little bit of everything from everywhere in the organization, although Lexa sometimes wondered if a little got lost in Clarke's translation.  </p>
<p>"I love you," she whispered into Clarke's ear, when she was sleeping and when she was awake, in between kisses and in gasps as they touched each other in all the ways they'd learned the other liked to be touched, and all the ways they were still learning, and in quiet moments on the couch and working side-by-side in the kitchen.  </p>
<p>"<i>J'taime aussi,</i>" Clarke whispered back.  "<i>Toujours et à jamais.</i>"</p>
<p>But as the days ticked by, crossed off on the calendar that counted down to the premier, Lexa tried not to think about how the time until the end of forever was dwindling.  She tried not to think about how much she was going to miss falling asleep next to Clarke and waking up there too, and all the moments in between that they gathered up and hoarded.  </p>
<p>"I love you," she whispered, as Clarke moved around her, pinching and pinning to get the fit of her dress just right.  </p>
<p>Clarke looked up at her, pins pressed between her lips, and mumbled something that didn't resemble words in any language, then spat them out and laughed.  "You did that on purpose," she said, pinching Lexa's side gently as she straightened from where she'd been marking the length of her hem.  </p>
<p>"Who, me?" Lexa asked, all wide-eyed innocence that no one was buying, least of all Clarke.  </p>
<p>"Yes, you," Clarke said, daring to steal a kiss that Lexa was reluctant to relinquish.</p>
<p>They jumped apart when someone cleared their throat, cheeks crimson as they looked over and saw Clarke's boss, the manager of the shop, tapping her wrist.  "Hers is not the only fitting we have today," she said.  </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Clarke said.  "I—We—We're—"</p>
<p>She waved the apology away.  "I know," she said.  "<i>Everyone</i> knows.  You young ones always think you're so good at hiding, but you can't keep your hearts out of your eyes.  Just finish up.  We have a lot to do today."  </p>
<p>"Yes ma'am," Clarke said.  "I just have a few more—"</p>
<p>"Get to it," she said, and walked away.</p>
<p>Clarke watched her go, then turned back to Lexa.  "Do you really think...?"</p>
<p>"That everyone knows?" Lexa asked.  "Considering the amount of gossip you bring home, it wouldn't surprise me.  We probably aren't as subtle or stealthy as we'd like to think we are."  She let out a soft laugh.  "They've probably all known since the day I got injured and you went to the hospital with me," she admitted.  "And we've just been fooling ourselves all along."  </p>
<p>"I didn't think about that," Clarke admitted.  She placed a few more pins, then helped Lexa shimmy out of the dress, wrapping her quickly in a robe.  "See you later?"  </p>
<p>"I love how you still ask that," Lexa said.  "As if the answer was ever going to be anything but yes."</p>
<p>"I know," Clarke said.  "But I still like to hear you say it."</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Lexa got to the gym with the stage, she was surprised – although perhaps she shouldn't have been – to find Anya there.  They'd known all along that her trapeze and their Cyr wheel routine would be put together into a single act, but up until now they had mostly worked separately.  But they were less than two months from the premiere now, which meant they were running out of time.  </p>
<p>Anya smiled when she saw her but didn't get up from where she was stretching, so Lexa leaned down to give her a slightly awkward hug and kiss on the cheek before settling on the mat nearby.  </p>
<p>"Is it starting to feel real for you yet?" Anya asked.  </p>
<p>Lexa considered, then shook her head.  "I don't think it will really feel real until there's an audience," she said.  "Until then it might just be a long, beautiful dream I'm having."  </p>
<p>Anya smiled.  "It's not all so beautiful," she said.  "But some parts..."  And her eyes strayed to where Raven was perched atop the water tank, a wrench in one hand, her tongue poking out of her mouth as she stared intently at whatever she was working on.  </p>
<p>Which was of course the moment Luna chose to arrive, collapsing beside Lexa and nudging her with her foot.  "Your girlfriend stabbed me," she said, then sucked in a breath as she realized what she'd said.  </p>
<p>"I know," Anya reassured her.  "About the girlfriend.  Not about the stabbing."</p>
<p>"Everyone knows, apparently," Lexa said.  "And I'm sure she didn't stab you on purpose."  </p>
<p>"Does intention matter when it comes to stabbing?" Luna asked.  "Whether she meant to or not, it doesn't make me any less wounded."  </p>
<p>Lexa snorted.  "All right," she said.  "Let's see this grievous injury."  </p>
<p>Luna lifted the edge of her shirt and pointed to a spot on her side.  "There!" she said.  </p>
<p>"Luna, that's a freckle," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>"Well... around there," Luna said, then dissolved into laughter, and Lexa rolled her eyes and kicked her, and Luna kicked back, and that was how their coach – and Anya's coach, and a choreographer and several others – found them, play-fighting while Anya egged them on.  </p>
<p>"Are we warmed up then?" he asked, and they straightened up but didn't bother to hide their smiles.  They busted their asses for hours every day; they were allowed to have a little fun now and then.  </p>
<p>"Yes sir," they said, which was kind of true and kind of not, but they would get there.  </p>
<p>"Good," he said.  "Let's get started."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa slung her bag over her shoulder, calling goodbye to Luna and Anya, and headed for the lobby where she hoped Clarke would be waiting.  Clarke hadn't sent her any messages saying she had to stay late, but there was always a possibility she was so busy she hadn't gotten the chance.  But as soon as she stepped into the space, she saw the flash of Clarke's bright blonde hair, and she had to resist the urge to run toward her, to throw her arms around her and kiss her in front of the cameras and anyone else, because why not?  If everyone knew anyway, what was stopping them?</p>
<p>She was flying high (even though she hadn't been the one flying) on the endorphins that came along with a good workout.  Their session with Anya had gone better than she'd expected – better than their coaches had expected, too, from the surprise they hadn't been able to keep from their voices – and after a shaky start to the week, it was starting to feel like the pieces might all come together the way she – and everyone else – hoped.  She was bursting to tell Clarke all about it, and to hear about the costume workroom drama (because there was always <i>something</i>), and—</p>
<p>She stopped short when she saw the expression on Clarke's face when she turned at the sound of Lexa's approaching footsteps.  She looked... not scared, exactly, but troubled, and Lexa's heart slammed into her ribs, automatically assuming the worst.  </p>
<p>Clarke's manager had told them that everyone knew about them.  She hadn't seemed bothered by it, but what if someone else was?  What if someone had said something to Clarke about it?  What if—</p>
<p>Lexa shook her head.  Letting her thoughts run away with her didn't do either of them any good.  The only way to know what was bothering Clarke was to ask her... and hope she told the truth when she answered.  She held out her arms slightly, an invitation that Clarke could choose to refuse, but Clarke shuffled into them, stiff in Lexa's embrace.  </p>
<p>"What's wrong?" Lexa asked.  "Did something happen?"</p>
<p>Clarke shook her head, her face burrowed into Lexa's scarf and the collar of her coat, then sighed.  "My mom's in town," she said after a moment.  </p>
<p>Lexa frowned.  Clarke hadn't told her a lot about her mother – mostly that she hadn't been thrilled about Clarke's career choices, especially since for a good portion of Clarke's childhood she'd wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps and become a doctor – but it hadn't seemed like they were on such bad terms that a visit would have Clarke looking like weekends had been canceled for the foreseeable future (even though they were getting pretty close to that point).  Unless...</p>
<p>She squeezed Clarke a little tighter, then loosened her grip, reaching up to tuck back a wayward strand of Clarke's hair, allowing her fingertips to linger along Clarke's jaw.  Clarke caught her hand and turned her head to press a kiss into her palm, then sighed and let it go.  </p>
<p>"I didn't know she was coming," Clarke said.  "It was a last-minute thing, I guess.  Her flight got canceled, and she had a couple of options for alternate flights, and one of them took her through Montreal, and..."  She shrugged.  "So she's here."</p>
<p>"At your apartment here, or...?"</p>
<p>Clarke huffed a laugh, but there was no humor in it.  "Where would she stay in our apartment?" Clarke asked, with a little extra weight on 'our', reminding Lexa it was a space they shared now.  </p>
<p>"Point taken," Lexa said.  "Do I..."  She swallowed, trying to figure out how to ask what she needed to ask without it sounding like a judgment, or an accusation, or anything but a question.  Her teeth scraped over her lower lip, and Clarke reached up to pry it free, her eyes darting to either side before pushing up slightly on her toes to brush her lips against Lexa's.</p>
<p>"Do you...?"</p>
<p>Lexa took strength from the kiss, brief though it was.  "Do I need to stay with Luna for a night or two?" she asked.  It wouldn't be ideal – it wouldn't even be particularly comfortable – but if her living with Clarke – her <i>being</i> with Clarke – was going to be a problem, she was willing to make that sacrifice.  She just hoped Luna would be, too.</p>
<p>"What?"  Clarke frowned.  "Why—"  Her eyes widened slightly, and she almost smiled as realization dawned.  "No," she said.  "It's not that.  It's..."  She looked down, her forehead furrowing slightly.  "My mom knows I'm bi.  Or at least... she won't be surprised I am.  I'm not sure if I've ever explicitly told her, but I'm pretty sure several sketchbooks full of scantily clad women – and very few men, now that I think about it – when I was a teenager probably clued her in."</p>
<p>Lexa pressed her lips together, trying not to smile.  "That <i>could</i> just be aesthetic appreciation," she teased.</p>
<p>Clarke wrinkled her nose.  "Yeeeaahhh... not some of the drawings," she said.  "I had a, uh, <i>vivid</i> imagination.  And the internet."</p>
<p>Lexa feigned shock, then laughed.  "I don't suppose you happen to still have those sketchbooks...?"  </p>
<p>Clarke's lips twisted in a poorly-suppressed smile.  "I might..."  She wrapped her hands in the collar of Lexa's coat, this time pulling her down and kissing her a little more firmly, for a little longer, and it was indiscreet and maybe ill-advised, but Lexa made no move to stop her.  After a moment, though, Clarke sighed and let her go, smoothing the bunched up fabric in a gesture that Lexa wasn't sure she was even aware of.</p>
<p>"If it's not... this," Lexa said, "then what?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," Clarke said, screwing up her face like she knew it for the lie it was.  Or maybe not exactly a lie, but a half-truth at best.  "I just..."  She shook her head.  </p>
<p>"Do you want to walk?" Lexa asked.  Sometimes – often – it was easier for her to think when she was in motion.  Like the act of putting one foot in front of the other helped corral and order her thoughts into a form she could understand and express.  </p>
<p>"It's cold," Clarke pointed out.</p>
<p>"I'll keep you warm," Lexa said, fussing with Clarke's scarf, pulling it up over her nose then tugging her hat down over her eyes.  </p>
<p>Clarke laughed and pushed it back so she could see Lexa again, and her eyes were bright but also just slightly glassy, and there was a slight catch in her breath.  "I love you," she said.  "So fucking much."  </p>
<p>"I love you too," Lexa said.  "Come on.  If we get too cold, we'll just find a shop to stop in and warm up."</p>
<p>"Preferably one that sells food?" Clarke asked, with a glance down at Lexa's grumbling midsection.</p>
<p>"I wouldn't say no," Lexa admitted.  </p>
<p>Clarke sighed.  "I'm supposed to have dinner with my Mom," she said, glancing outside like the woman might be right there waiting for her.  </p>
<p>Was she?</p>
<p>Lexa looked too, but she didn't see anything, or anyone, out of the ordinary.  "Now?" she asked.  </p>
<p>"At seven," Clarke said.  "She wanted a chance to shower and nap first."</p>
<p>Lexa couldn't help thinking a nap this late in the day sounded like a recipe for a sleepless night, but if she remembered correctly, Clarke's mother had been working somewhere far away, war-torn or impoverished or both, so she'd probably had a long flight, and if she was anything like Lexa, she wouldn't have gotten much sleep en route. </p>
<p>"So we have a little time," Lexa said.  "Come on."  </p>
<p>Clarke still looked skeptical, but she rewrapped her scarf and buttoned her coat all the way to the top, then slipped her hands into her gloves... and then into Lexa's pockets.  Lexa looked down, then up at Clarke.  "That's going to make walking very awkward," she said.  "One of us will have to act as the back-up camera for the other."</p>
<p>"What?" Clarke teased.  "You don't trust me?"</p>
<p>"I do," Lexa said, not teasing.  "I trust you with my life."  By which she really meant her heart, although both were true.  </p>
<p>Clarke looked at her, her eyes going glassy again, and Lexa pulled her into another hug, not letting go until Clarke's breath stopped hitching.  Clarke withdrew one of her hands from Lexa's pocket, swiping at her eyes, and they fell into step as they left the building.</p>
<p>The cold snatched at any and all exposed skin and pushed itself through anywhere that was covered by less than two layers.  Clarke pressed closer against Lexa's side, and Lexa slid her hand into her pocket to join Clarke's, lacing their fingers together as best they could with gloves on.  </p>
<p>"I just want her to be proud of me, y'know?" Clarke said, after a block and a half worth of silence.  "I want her to see that this wasn't a mistake.  That I'm doing something I love, and I'm good at it, and I'm not just scraping by, not just surviving... I'm thriving.  I'm happy.  I want her to see it and be happy for me, too."</p>
<p>Lexa nodded.  She and her father weren't particularly close, but she understood the sentiment.  He'd never been enthusiastic about her aspirations, exactly, but he'd been supportive in his own way.  He'd paid for camps every summer, and training during the school year (not to mention the expense of boarding school).  In darker moments, she'd seen it as pawning off his responsibility as a parent onto teachers and school officials and coaches and camp counselors, but on better days she was able to see that those choices had gotten her where she was today, and she owed him gratitude for bankrolling it, if nothing else.  </p>
<p>She would make sure there was a ticket waiting for him at the box office when the show opened, too, if he decided he wanted to come see what she'd been striving toward for so long, finally come to fruition.</p>
<p>"Do you think she won't be?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"I don't know," Clarke said.  </p>
<p>Lexa got the feeling there was more to it, things Clarke wasn't saying, things she was maybe afraid to say.  Because even if Clarke's mother didn't have a problem with Clarke being bi, or being with a girl... that didn't mean she wouldn't have a problem with Clarke being with <i>Lexa</i>.  Because if she wanted Clarke to be happy, surely she would see all of the potential problems and pitfalls that had had Lexa questioning whether they might be setting themselves up for heartbreak.  </p>
<p>"You don't have to tell her about us," Lexa said.  "If you think it's going to be a problem... you don't have to tell her."  </p>
<p>Clarke looked over at her, eyes wide, then shook her head.  "If I didn't, Raven would," she said.  "She doesn't know how – or when – to keep her mouth shut."</p>
<p>"Even if you asked her to?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"If I asked her to, she would want to know why," Clarke said.  "And I don't have a good reason.  Not really.  I just don't need her... sowing seeds of doubt.  Or whatever.  Not that I have doubts," she added hastily, stopping completely and turning to face Lexa.  "I don't!  I just—"</p>
<p>Lexa forced a smile.  "If you didn't have doubts, or at least concerns, I would wonder about your attachment to reality," she said.  "If your mother didn't have them, I would wonder how much she really cared."  </p>
<p>Clarke seemed to shrink a little.  "I wonder that all the time," she said.  "Sometimes I think she cares more about Raven than about me."  </p>
<p>Lexa cocked her head.  She'd always assumed Raven and Clarke had ended up roommates because of their connection to Cirque.  It hadn't occurred to her that they might have known each other before coming here.  It made sense, with how close they were and how well they knew each other.  </p>
<p>"I know it's stupid," Clarke said.  "I just spent so many years as an only child, I never learned how to share my parents, I guess.  Or parent.  Raven came around after my dad was... gone."  She swallowed.  "And it was good for Raven, to have someone.  Her mom—"  She stopped, and Lexa assumed it was because it wasn't her story to tell.  "Anyway... I don't want to do that.  To keep you a secret.  I just don't know if I can handle the way I know she'll look at me if I tell her I'm in love with a girl who's running off to join the circus."  She tried to smile, but it faltered and fell before it made it halfway.</p>
<p>Lexa pulled Clarke into her arms again.  "I wish I had the answers for you," she said softly, her lips close enough to Clarke's ear that she hoped she heard.  "I wish I could promise that love was enough, that it really can – will – conquer all."</p>
<p>"I know," Clarke said.  She tipped up her face, and Lexa's lips found hers, and they kissed until they remembered they were in the middle of the sidewalk, obstructing pedestrian traffic (although as the sun plunged past the horizon and the wind picked up, there was less and less of that by the minute).  Clarke sighed and let Lexa go, returning to her side and their walk with no particular destination, and their own separate bubbles of thought.  </p>
<p>They walked until their legs were starting to go numb, and a glance at her phone told Clarke she needed to get back if she was going to get to dinner on time.  They turned around and headed back to the Cirque campus, where Raven was waiting to drive Clarke to her mom's hotel.</p>
<p>"I'll see you at home," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Clarke nodded, biting her lip so hard the skin turned white, and this time it was Lexa reaching to free it before she did herself damage.  "I wish—"  She frowned.  "Come with us," she said after a moment.  "Come to dinner."  </p>
<p>"I haven't showered," Lexa said.  "I probably stink."  </p>
<p>"So?" Clarke asked.  "I don't—"</p>
<p>"Hey Griffin, are you coming or what?" Raven asked, as if they were holding her up even though she'd only just emerged from the building.  </p>
<p>"Or what," Clarke muttered.  </p>
<p>"We're going to be late!" Raven said.  "And you know how your mom feels about lateness."</p>
<p>"'Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable,'" Clarke parroted.  "Except when she's the one who's late.  Then it was an 'unavoidable delay' she doesn't bother to apologize for because her time is so much more valuable than anyone else's."  </p>
<p>"She <i>is</i> the only one saving lives," Raven pointed out.  </p>
<p>Clarke scoffed and turned her attention back to Lexa.  "Are you sure?"</p>
<p>"I'm sure as soon as I take this coat off, I will put everyone off their dinner," Lexa said.  "If you can buy us a little time—"</p>
<p>"Seven was the only time she could get, apparently," Clarke said, and sighed.  "It's fine."  But Lexa knew it wasn't.  She knew she was letting Clarke down... already.  </p>
<p>Raven honked her horn, glaring at them through the window.  Clarke flipped her off.  "I'll see you later," she said and let Lexa go.  She didn't even kiss her goodbye, and Lexa felt the absence of the warmth of her lips for a long time afterward.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It felt strange being in the apartment alone.  Even though she'd been living there for several weeks now, and there had been a few times when Clarke had gone out without her, Raven had always been around, even if she was locked in her room fiddling with various projects Lexa had quickly learned not to ask about unless she wanted to lose an hour of her life to technical jargon she only understood a fraction of.  </p>
<p>Lexa considered texting Luna, inviting her to come over, but she knew Luna was tired – just like she was tired, now that she allowed herself to think about and feel it – and it wouldn't be fair to drag her out of her bed (where she was almost certainly already curled up, laptop propped up on her desk, watching Netflix) just because Lexa couldn't handle having only herself for company.</p>
<p>But she didn't know how long Clarke was going to be gone – she assumed she would text if she was going to be home later than they usually went to bed – and it wasn't as if she had hobbies, or even friends to reach out to, really.  She contemplated the couch but ended up retreating to Clarke's – their – bedroom and building herself a nest of pillows and blankets, wrapping herself in the scent of Clarke in the absence of her arms.  She checked her social media, and then her email, and was surprised when a new message (that wasn't from a mailing list) popped up.  She didn't immediately recognize the email address, but she clicked on it anyway.</p>
<p>
  <i>Hi Lexa,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It's Aden.  I hope you don't mind me emailing you.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>How are you?  I'm pretty good.  School is okay but kind of boring.  I miss camp.  I'm taking dance and gymnastics to help keep up my skills but there's nowhere near me that does circus stuff really so that kind of sucks.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Is it okay if I say sucks?  It's not really a swear...</i>
</p>
<p><i>Anyway I hope you are good and having fun training with Cirque.  Mom says if she can get time off work we maybe can go to Montreal to see the show so we don't have to wait for the tour to come here which might take FOREVER.  I even got my passport!  (The picture isn't very good...</i> 😣<i>) I hope her boss doesn't say no.  I would really like to see you and to see your show.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>I guess that's all for now.  I hope you'll write back but if you're too busy that's okay.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Your friend,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Aden</i>
</p>
<p><i>P.S. Say hi to Luna for me!</i><br/><i>P.P.S. Please.</i><br/><i>P.P.P.S.  Camp won't be the same next year without you.</i> 😞</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time she got to the end of the message the words were starting to blur as her eyes filled with tears, and her cheeks ached from smiling so broadly.  She immediately clicked reply, knowing that if she waited it would likely get buried in her inbox and... not forgotten, but indefinitely put on hold.  </p>
<p>
  <i>Hi Aden!</i>
</p>
<p><i>I was so happy to see your email today.  I wasn't having the best day, but then I got your message and it made it a lot better.</i>  😊</p>
<p>
  <i>Cirque has been a lot of fun but also a lot of hard work.  I've been training on a new apparatus, which I know you know is always a challenge.  I was nervous at first, but it's made me really focus and remember why I love doing this, and I think by the time we're done it's going to be a pretty great act.  I promise I'll tell Luna you said hi.  Hopefully when the show opens you'll be able to tell her yourself, but if you and your mom can't make it, hopefully it won't take forever for the tour to come to your area.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I'm going to miss camp – and you! – next summer too.  It was part of my life for so long, it will be strange not being there.  But by then I'll be on a new adventure, and I know you and the other campers and the counselors will take good care of it for me.  Have you thought more about being a counselor-in-training?  I meant it when I said I would be honored to write you a letter of recommendation.  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I'm glad to hear you're keeping up your training as much as you can.  I didn't have access to circus stuff when I was at school either, but I would find ways to get creative so I wouldn't forget everything from one summer to the next.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It was great to hear from you.  You can email me any time, and I'll do my best to answer as quickly as I can.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Love,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Lexa</i>
</p>
<p><i>P.S.  I don't mind if you say sucks.</i>  😉</p>
<p>She clicked Send on the message, then quickly typed out one to his mom letting her know that if she and Aden were planning to come to the show to just let her know the dates and she would make sure there were tickets for them at Will Call.  She didn't know the specifics of their financial situation, but she did know that Aden's mom was raising him alone, and that he went to camp every year on a scholarship, so financing a trip to Montreal would probably put a dent in their budget.  If she could help ease that, even a little, she would.  Especially since she could almost certainly get them better seats than they would be able to afford otherwise.</p>
<p>When she ran out of sites and feeds to scroll through, and couldn't find anything that piqued her interest on the various streaming options she had available – or at least not anything that Clarke wouldn't want to watch with her – she gave up and decided to call it an early night.  </p>
<p>She'd just started to drift off when she heard the front door open, and the various thumps and curses that went along with two people trying to divest themselves of layers of winter clothing in a narrow entryway.  She started to get up, to go greet them and ask how the night had gone, but before she'd managed to disentangle herself from the blankets she'd cocooned herself in, the door opened, bringing with it a stab of light that made Lexa wince and squint.  </p>
<p>"Oh," Clarke said softly.  "I didn't mean to wake you."</p>
<p>"You didn't," Lexa said.  Not by opening the bedroom door, anyway.  </p>
<p>"Good."  And then Clarke was on top of her, clawing away the blankets and squirming underneath, her mouth and nose cold as they pressed against Lexa's, and her tongue tasted of wine when Lexa parted her lips to the insistent kiss.  She'd gone to bed in a t-shirt and oversized sweats, but Clarke had stripped her out of them almost before Lexa knew what was happening.  Bewildered by Clarke's sudden urgency, she almost stopped her, but then Clarke's knee was between her thighs, pressing them apart, and her fingers dipped into the wakening heat at her core, and Lexa sighed and surrendered.  </p>
<p>It didn't take long for Clarke to have her gasping and shaking, already on the edge.  Sometimes Clarke liked to tease her, to hold her there for as long as she could, until Lexa was begging for release (and sometimes she did the same to Clarke, so turnabout was fair play and revenge was more than sweet) but not tonight.  Tonight Clarke sent her crashing into climax almost before she was ready, and started the second one building before the first fully subsided.  Tears leaked from the corners of Lexa's eyes, soaking into the hair at her temples as she came, and came again, her back arching so hard her head came entirely off the pillow before she collapsed back, her nerves still on fire even as her body gave out.  When Clarke started pressing kisses to her thighs again, she groaned, shaking her head.  "I can't," she gasped.  "Clarke..."</p>
<p>Clarke slid up her body, twining tight around her, their legs interlocked and her weight half on top of Lexa as their mouths met, and Lexa could feel her rocking and rubbing, hot and slick against her thigh and hip, and Clarke shuddered as she found her own release with a soft groan.  </p>
<p>There was a final thump against the wall – they were going to hear about this in the morning, Lexa suspected – and then all was quiet and still, except the rasp of Clarke's breathing as she settled with her head on Lexa's chest.  </p>
<p>"She wants to meet you," Clarke said. </p>
<p>"I'd like to meet her, too," Lexa said, combing her fingers through Clarke's hair, letting the silken strands slip through over and over again, the tips of her fingers raking lightly across Clarke's scalp, which made her sigh and snuggle closer.  </p>
<p>"Tomorrow?" Clarke asked.  "She's not in town for long."</p>
<p>"Tomorrow's fine," Lexa said, and hoped it was.  She would have to remember to pack something nice to change into.  </p>
<p>"I want her to love you," Clarke mumbled, already drifting into sleep.  </p>
<p>"I'll do my best," Lexa said, pressing a kiss to Clarke's crown.  She hoped her best was good enough.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Anya looked Lexa up and down and whistled.  "Hot date?" she teased.  </p>
<p>Lexa rolled her eyes.  "Not exactly."  She checked herself in the locker room mirror, smoothing the front of her slacks and adjusting the lay of her sweater over her hips.  She wasn't <i>that</i> dressed up... but then she worried it might look too casual?  She'd met Costia's parents more than once before they started dating, so there hadn't been nearly as much pressure to impress when they'd told them they were a couple.  The stakes were also a lot lower then.  They'd just been two college kids, doing what college kids did with no real thought for the future, at least at first.  </p>
<p>Clarke... Clarke was different.  Clarke was the only thing she had ever wanted as much as she wanted to be part of Cirque.  They only person who had ever made her question whether her lifelong dream was the best, the only, path her life could take... and the only one to whole-heartedly support her pursuing it, even if it was at her own expense.  </p>
<p>Which meant she needed Clarke's mom to like her, to like <i>them</i>, together, to support them because Clarke was going to need someone to lean on when she wasn't around.  Someone who wouldn't tell her she was making a mistake and—</p>
<p>"You're going to be fine," Luna said, coming up behind her and propping her chin on Lexa's shoulder.  "Clarke loves you, so she'll love you."</p>
<p>"It's not that simple," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes.  "It could be," she said.  </p>
<p>"Just don't mention the fact that you kept her daughter up all night," Anya smirked, and Lexa ground her teeth.  Fucking Raven.  She should have known when she hadn't said anything to them that morning that she would find some other way to get her revenge for interrupting her beauty sleep.  She didn't bother to correct Anya on who had been keeping who awake, just glared at her through the mirror, which only made Anya laugh as she stripped down and ducked into one of the showers.</p>
<p>"Ignore her," Luna said quietly.  </p>
<p>"You really think it'll be okay?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"I really do," Luna said.  "Now go.  Clarke's waiting."</p>
<p>Clarke was, in fact, waiting.  Her face lit up when she saw Lexa, and she made her way across the lobby in a few quick strides to meet her, claiming a quick kiss right as one of the executives of the company strode past.  They really were going to have to go to Human Resources sooner rather than later...</p>
<p>"Come on," Clarke said.  "My mom is meeting us."</p>
<p>"Meeting us where?" Lexa asked.  She'd trusted Clarke to make the plans, since she would know what situation would be most comfortable for everyone involved.  At least Lexa hoped she would.  </p>
<p>"Three guesses and the first two don't count," Clarke said, smiling as she pulled on her gloves. </p>
<p>"Crepes?" Lexa asked, because it was the only thing she could think of that would have Clarke's eyes sparkling with amusement like that.  </p>
<p>"See?" Clarke said, holding out one hand to Lexa, tucking it into her pocket as soon as Lexa's fingers closed around hers.  "I knew you wouldn't need three guesses."  </p>
<p>The walk wasn't long, and when they arrived a woman stepped away from the side of the building.  She was shorter than Lexa had pictured her; she'd imagined that anyone capable of raising someone as amazing as Clarke had to be larger than life.  But her warm smile made up for it as she embraced first Clarke, then Lexa.  "It's so nice to meet you," she said as she released Lexa.  "I've heard so much about you."</p>
<p>"It's nice to meet you too, Dr. Griffin," Lexa said.  </p>
<p>She waved her hand dismissively.  "Abby, please," she said.  "I'm not on duty."  She smiled again and gestured toward the door, which Lexa quickly opened to allow Clarke and her mother to pass through, into the warmth and mouth-watering aromas of the creperie.</p>
<p>They were seated quickly by one of their favorite servers, who knew Clarke and Lexa by name at this point and handed them menus.  "If there's anything you need, please let me know," they said, their English slightly accented like so many people here who had grown up speaking French first.  </p>
<p>"Thank you," Abby said.  "So what do you two recommend?"</p>
<p>"Everything's good," Clarke said honestly.  "At least everything we've tried."</p>
<p>"Which is pretty much everything," Lexa admitted with a wry smile.  But they took a few minutes to look the menu over anyway, finally deciding on a few of their favorites to share, and put in their order.  </p>
<p>As soon as their server was gone again, Abby turned to Lexa.  "So," she said.  "Tell me how it is that you came to run away with the circus."</p>
<p>Lexa relaxed a little.  This was a story she knew how to tell.  She started with her childhood, with falling in love with circus arts and going to camp every summer, and finished with Luna's phone call and the unexpected email, and then everything that had happened since her arrival a few months ago.  She was careful not to share to many details about the show itself; Cirque was notoriously secretive and she didn't want to get on their bad side by accidentally leaking anything they didn't want known.  Which meant she had to gloss over the details of how her injury had occurred, because she was pretty sure the water element was one of the Big Reveals that would come with the opening of the show.  </p>
<p>"Did you ever consider doing anything else?" Abby asked when she finished.  </p>
<p>Lexa shook her head.  "Not really.  Not seriously.  I went to college, because I knew I would need something to fall back on, either if this didn't work out or when I retire from this... which is a lot younger than the usual retirement age.  But this was always the dream, and as far as I was concerned, failure was never an option."</p>
<p>Abby nodded.  "What do you think you'll do when you can't do this anymore?"</p>
<p>"I'd like to run a gym, or a camp or something," Lexa said.  "Share what I love with others, whether it's something they're considering doing professionally, or just something they want to try for fun."</p>
<p>"That sounds like an excellent plan," Abby said, and Lexa felt something inside her unknot.  It was the first time she'd shared her post-Cirque goals with an adult – not that she and Clarke and people their age weren't adults, but an adult with more than a few years of life experience – and having Abby immediately approve of them meant more than she'd imagined.  </p>
<p>Their food arrived, and they were quiet for a while as they ate, passing the plates around so everyone could get a taste, then ordering another round for dessert.  Lexa asked Abby about her work, and Abby told her a little, although Lexa got the feeling she didn't like talking about it much, or at least that she wasn't in the mood to talk about it right now.  </p>
<p>"You know," Abby said, looking from Clarke to Lexa and back again, "when I was in medical school and your father was in grad school, we were on complete opposite sides of the country."</p>
<p>Clarke looked up.  "Wait, what?  I thought you went to school together."</p>
<p>"We went to undergrad together," Abby said.  "That's where we met.  But when it came time to apply for graduate programs, we didn't really consult with each other, or try to plan anything out.  Maybe we should have, but I think we both decided that what would be would be, and if we tried to make plans we might end up disappointed, or resenting each other if one got what they really wanted and the other felt like they had to compromise.  As it turned out, I stayed on the east coast and he ended up on the west, and I won't lie to you and pretend it wasn't difficult.  It was.  There were plenty of times we questioned whether it made sense to stay together with so much distance between us, and so little opportunity to see each other.  This was, of course, before FaceTime and Skype and Zoom and everything else.  All we had was the phone and email.  But we made it work.  We talked as much as we could – even when the conversations were hard – and tried to make the time we did have together as special as possible.  It was a hard few years – probably the hardest of our time together – but in the end I think we came out stronger for it.  By the time we were back together, physically, we were absolutely sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  We were married within a month and had you eight months later."</p>
<p>"Nine," Clarke corrected.  Abby just raised an eyebrow, and Lexa nearly choked on her crepe as she watched Clarke do the mental calculation and arrive at the only possible conclusion.  She reached under the table to squeeze Clarke's knee, and Clarke looked at her with a grimace.  </p>
<p>Abby laughed.  "All of which is to say, if you want this to work, it'll work.  It won't be easy.  At times it might feel impossible.  But it's not.  And I will support you – both of you – in any way I can.  You need only ask."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Lexa choked around the sudden lump in her throat.  </p>
<p>"No," Abby said, laying her hand over Lexa's.  "Thank <i>you</i>."</p>
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